A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help dealing with my husband. I suspect that he is being verbally / emotionally abusive but I honestly don't know anymore. Maybe it really is my fault.We've been married for 9 years, have no kids and we both work all the time at fairly high powered, high stress jobs. Most of our marriage has been happy and we have gotten along really well, which is also why this is so frustrating. Lately, as of maybe 4 months ago, my husband has become unbearably mean and abusive(going from a soft spoken, calm, friendly, generally nice man). He seems to still be all those things around others but he is a complete jerk around me. Small normal boring everyday issues become huge fights where he screams and yells at me and then tells me that it's all my fault and he would never behave like this if I didn't make him do this by saying/doing all these awful things that I apparently do. I try really hard during these arguments to remain calm, not yell, not call him names and generally just be agreeable no matter what I really think, so that he will stop. I never know what will set him off. I am always defending my position and it seems that what I say and what he hears are completely different things. I don't know anymore if it's actually me or if there is really something going on with him. I feel like I am the same person I have always been and yet I just cannot seem to say anything right. It's making me crazy. I am questioning my sanity, my self esteem is gone. It's exhausting to be walking on eggshells constantly. I guess I am just trying to understand why this may be happening, and what I can do to make it stop. And how I can tell that it's not something I am doing. I love my husband very much but I don't know how much more of this I can stand. Please help.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (19 August 2011):
I agree with the previous posters. You should remove yourself from this situation to regain some perspective. When you're constantly around someone who regularly engages in 'crazy making' your ability to see things clearly is hindered and you come to believe what they are saying to you.
it sounds like he didn't undergo a complete personality change when he's around others, but only when around you. So this is a sign that it's not you, it's him. he's in full control of himself, he's just CHOOSING to be verbally and emotionally abusive towards you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Oh my, this sounds so much like the situation I had with my ex-partner. I'm afraid, as the word 'ex' in that sentence suggests, it did not have a happy resolution. Like you, I tried absolutely EVERYTHING to communicate with him - from begging and pleading, to crying, to anger, to calm rational discussion, to quiet placidity, to writing emails, phone calls, letters, to trying to be an informal counsellor. Nothing worked, because in his head, he had crossed a line - he had decided that it was OK to behave like a toddler having a tantrum because things were tough at work, or because something minor hadn't gone his way, or simply because he felt like exercising some power at home.
Some things I realized from being in your shoes:
1. He's not just being emotionally abusive, he's being emotionally manipulative. EVERYONE has a responsibility to be in control of their own behaviour towards others - whatever the circumstances, hitting and abuse are NOT ON! Nothing you could possibly do would justify such behaviour. By placing the blame on you, he's trying to manipulate you into behaving in the way he wants. It's bullying, plain and simple.
2. People generally don't change suddenly into this pattern of behaviour. Look back and think carefully about the way he acts. My bet is that when you really consider the issue, he's always been a bit forceful, a bit controlling with his opinions, and maybe even prides himself on standing up to others... and that the current behaviour is just a more extreme version of something that's always been there. People who behave this way are often very insecure about something - so it might be a weakness rather than a strength that you're looking for.
3. However, clearly something has triggered his descent into this screaming, yelling bully. Perhaps your partner has clinical depression (this is what happened to mine) or some other mental illness. However, while that is a mitigating circumstance, it does not excuse his treating you this way. He needs medication, therapy, and possibly anger management help too. If he refuses to get those things, saying that it's 'all your fault' then I'm afraid he's not willing to change yet. He needs to realize and acknowledge the effect his behaviour is having on your relationship before he can change.
4. Boundaries are important. Shore up yours - emotionally, physically, and behaviourally. By remaining calm and rational, you are actually tolerating his behaviour. I'm not suggesting you yell back at him or stand up to him (in fact I'd say that would be entirely pointless), but you DO need to be prepared to draw some very sharp lines here. Next time he yells at you, tell him 'I'm not tolerating this behaviour, I am going to spend the night elsewhere' and LEAVE THE HOUSE! Apart from keeping you safe (emotionally and physically), this will provide you both with valuable perspective. You need to go talk to other people to realize how outrageous his behaviour is, because while you're trapped in this dysfunctional household situation with him, part of you will always wonder 'is it me?' It's only by leaving the house that you'll realize 'no it isn't! It can't be!'. Also, he needs to come to the awareness that you simply won't tolerate being treated this way and that he risks losing you if he continues. Tough love!
5. Get outside help. Have an arrangement in place with family or friends so that you have a safe haven to go to. Don't be embarrassed to tell them about the problem! I didn't tell any family or friends about the situation I was in, and my dignified silence achieved nothing - in fact it actually created a space for my ex to spread all kinds of lies about me to my family (who believed him, not me). Also, it is of paramount importance that people know this is happening, because emotional violence can easily descend into physical violence (unfortunately, this happened to me and it was terrifying not to have anyone to go to).
6. Start to do something independently of him. Take up a hobby that allows you to work on yourself - it might be night classes, it might be exercise, it might be a hobby that you've always wanted to pursue. I know it probably feels like an exhausting investment that you just can't make right now, but that's because this experience at home has decimated your sense of self-worth, and you need to put your self-esteem in intensive care right now to nurse it back to health! Meeting other people will also give you valuable time out of the situation, which is clearly too claustrophobic! Remember, in the worst case scenario, that if you have to leave, money and possessions are things that can you can get for yourself, but only when you have self-reliance and self-respect!
7. Start to entertain the idea that this might not be the right relationship for you to be in. I'm not saying that you have to make a final decision on that - but start to ask some deep questions about what you want. The very act of questioning will tell you what your anxieties are, and what you might need to happen to get to a better place, either with this guy or without him.
8. You don't even realize how bad your relationship is right now, because you're slap bang in the middle of the confrontation on a daily basis. You're either dealing with a tantrum, or waiting on eggshells for the next tantrum to hit. Not all relationships have to be this way - and such lack of control is in no way a sign of care or passion (quite the reverse in fact). There are other ways of doing this that might make you happy! (My current partner is an absolutely gorgeous, wonderful guy who never, ever yells, is kind and considerate in every way).
I hope this helps. I have been in your shoes, and it's hell. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): so you been married 9 years and only starting 4 months ago he's started screaming and yelling and blaming and accusing and all that whereas up til then all was happy and peaceful?? HE has changed. Drastic personality changes like that are a red flag.maybe he has a mental illness that needs to be diagnosed - has he suffered head injuries for example?maybe your marriage was peaceful on the surface all this time but not happy and he was secretly harboring huge resentments and anger towards you and now can no longer hold it in. If so, it is still his fault for not "taking care" of his issues sooner by bringing it up before it reached boiling point in his mind. another possibility is that he is cheating on you because when people cheat on their spouses the guilt they feel and the stress of keeping secrets and living a double life makes them act out especially to villify their spouses so they can justify to themselves their cheating.either way it's not you, it's him.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 August 2011):
 Since this has occurred somewhat recently, I suspect there is more to the story than what you are telling us.You don't tell us what your husband complains about, but from the few hints you did leave in your question, my guess is that things aren't going as well as they should be at work and he is taking out his frustrations on you at home.If this is the case, I think for the sake of your marriage, one of you (or both) will have to determine if your jobs are worth the sacrifices you are putting into them. Maybe it is time to find something new or take a step back from the "high-powered jobs". Also, he may be feeling neglected if you are spending too much time in your "high-stress" job as well. At the end of the day, you've got to ask yourself "is this really worth it".Secondly, sometimes guys can get "verbally abusive" when they feel they aren't being heard. Be sure that you recognize your husbands concerns and communicate in a calm way. Thirdly, maybe it is time for a brief vacation -- even for a weekend to a new tourist-trap city. Leave the pagers / cell phones at home and just work on reconnecting with one another. During that time you can talk to him about what is going on in his life and express that you see him as being very stressed and you are worried about him.Lastly, you may want to consider writing him a letter -- not an email, not a voice message -- a letter. Explain to him that you are concerned, you love him, and that you'll do whatever it takes to make him happy. Also explain to him how hurt you feel when he gets angry at you and that you want the man you used to know back. Keep it short, non-accusatory, and let him find it and be able to read it by himself.Hopefully you'll take one of these suggestions and hopefully you'll get to the bottom of what is really going on here.Good luck.
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