A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would be grateful for some ideas and practical solutions from people who understand what I’m talking about or experience it themselves. Before I start: I know the kids of the partner by ex come first, that’s a given.The problem is this: My boyfriend and I don’t live together and see each other at the weekend only, but not every weekend. When we want to get together it is always me who ends up waiting to see what is going to happen. He can’t tell me in advance what his work schedule is, and if he will be seeing clients late or finishing early, also he has to wait to hear about having the kids, and whether they will come with him to stay with me or stay at home with their mom. Sometimes I only know whether he is coming and/or bringing kids the day before they arrive. This is frustrating because I like to have things ready, have the house clean and buy the extra food and so on. I don’t like rushing around at the last minute getting ready, and equally I have to keep friends/family waiting for my answer if they have extended an invitation to me to do something. I feel as if I am not participating or being considered in the decisions, just waiting to be told the outcome when it’s decided or finalised. If I’ve turned down invitations I can’t go back to those people and say ok boyfriend’s not going to be here so I will accept your invitation after all – that’s like so rude. I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done to change this.I don’t mean I need to know a month in advance, but is a week’s notice unreasonable?(I know – get a boyfriend without kids and a 9 to 5 job – but any ideas otherwise?) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 No, you are not unreasonable. The kids should be on a set schedule anyway! It is better for them and does not run everyone else ragged.
It is all about balance. You are not saying you do not want to be around his kids-you are saying you want to be better prepared. You should also be given the option to "opt out" or expect to have a couple only time once in a while.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2011):
 The best things for the kids is to have a set schedule. Every other weekend or whatever the parents choose the kids KNOW they will be with daddy. Kids thrive on structure.
Is there a reason that his visitation with his kids is so flexible?
as for work, well he has a job.. be grateful and work with that the best you can...
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 It is NOT too much to ask.
I am a single mother, and I recognize the value of a partner who is respectful of what MUST obviously be a priority in my life. I presume your boyfriend does as well.
His work and children create disorganization in his life which does not have to also be your disorganization. In relationships of all kinds (friendships, colleagues, etc…) we must 'begin the way we wish to continue', and for you, that means dealing with this issue before it becomes too routine (and therefore harder to ‘nip in the bud’) and a source of resentment.
First you must acknowledge that you only have control over yourself and your actions. You have no control over what arrangements he makes with his ex, or what obligations he makes with his clients. He doesn’t appear to think he has much control over this, but I suspect he has more than he realizes… Since you are always available to his last-minute whims, he has no incentive to make any changes.
Set the deadline yourself. Tell him that you enjoy his company and that of his children however; it is unfair for your life to be on hold until he decides that he is available and who he is bringing to be a weekend guest in your home. You need to know what is going on by “x-date”, or can not guarantee your availability. You need to prepare your home for additional guests.
Resist the temptation to avoid accepting alternate plans; leaving your schedule clear for him. If you do not hear from him in time, do not remind him, simply book your weekend.
Be prepared that sometimes you will be pre-booked and it will turn out that he was available to visit you. There may be some missed visits. That is good. He will learn that he has to respect your schedule, or he will miss out on the chance to see you.
It will be short-term sacrifice with long-term pay offs.
This doesn’t mean being ‘inflexible’, but flexibility should be the EXCEPTION to the rule, not the rule. It is not too much to ask.
Good luck.
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