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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Is it true that appearance doesn't matter? I am a plus sized black woman and I feel like men judge me by these factors. I got bullied often because of my race and for being big in high school and no men ever really showed interest in me. I am not really happy with how I look. My family says my looks don't matter and that it's what's on the inside that will find a good man one day. However I've asked people my age and they say looks are important and attraction has to be there for someone to want to be with you. So how do you guys feel about my situation?
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female
reader, Queenie2015  +, writes (22 September 2015):
 Hello,First of all looks are important to attraction - however there is not one fixed look that everybody likes. Everyone is different, some people are tall, short, thin, fat. Who cares what other people think? Everyone is different - it's what makes us all unique. I can bet there are plenty of people who will find you and your body attractive. But before you can find someone who will love you, you need to learn to love yourself. You are unique! No one else in the world will ever be exactly like you, your personality, your looks, everything that you are. Be happy with yourself, there are plenty of people who would love to have curves. One day you will find the man (or woman) who will love you for who you are, including your waist size! There is not one form of beauty and you need to remember that.Love your body - it's the only one you have and it does so much for you. DO NOT let other people tell you what is attractive and what is not.
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (19 September 2015):
 Your situation is what you make of it. Everyone to some degree has been discriminated on some bases and everyone has some handicap at beauty.
Take Oprah: she is fat and black, I'm sure discriminated on by someone, but she took her talents and made a fortune. Or take Cee Lo Green: he is fat and midgety-looking type but the dude can sing! Despite their looks, these people radiate positivity about them.
So do looks matter? Yes on the social scheme of things because it is a quick bait to attract others but those who can attract people quickly often squander, misjudge or are skeptical of what these new people intend so as a result good looking ones don't develop very deep bonds.
On the other hand, if you worked hard to attract people, you will value them more and them you, and you will be more sensitive and likely won't misjudge their intent.
So as others have said below, don't have a distorted view of your self and build up your spirit. Whatever you believe you are, you also project that onto others. As my soccer coach in college said: it's all about what you believe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): Size does matter. It matters to you. You're obviously unhappy with it so I suggest doing something about it. People you meet will love or not love you regardless of how you look but they can't love you while you don't love yourself.
I was overweight my whole llife and hated how it made people treat me. I'm 25 now and finally losing weight. Wish I had done it sooner rather than wasting so much time hating myself. If u need to lose weight to love yourself then do it and do it safely and healthily.
Don't aspire to be too thin or unrealistic if you're naturally a bigger person.
Also don't ever question the colour of your skin. You can do nothing about it. Embrace it because it's part of your heritage. You would be beautiful with any skin tone, and this will not bother anyone who is worth your time.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): looks vary but tbe person you are is the spirit you carry inside of the body you wear.There's a million things you can dress your spirit in like honesty ,fidelity, peace, good karma, kindness,love and respect for others, compassion, dignity, warmth to those who need a helping hand, loyalty to friends but you dont have to be a plus size saint to get through life you just have to figure out whats important to you in others and then you will know how to pick your friends.But supposing thats all said and done and you want to be a combination of wicked and wild...well you can do that too but you must be able to pick up the consequences afterwards a d some of those can be fatal. You can operate in the body you have and do the things that make you happy.If size is such a big issue that its a health problem then you must tackle this slowly as the body doesnt take kindly to sudden changes.So you can for example cut out sugar which is a fake nutrient and holds no vitamins.The fast way to do this is to try to change your taste buds over by sucking on a ripe cut piece of lime or lemon...if it makes you feel like you want to shiver it is doing the trick. Then after that you take half the regular amount of sugar inyour tea and it still tastes sweet and after a few weeks you will notice a difference. But its your life, your choices and your future. The true value of a person remains in their spirit,not in their body.And it is a good idea to assess others that way as all that glitters is not gold and many times ive looked at a good looking murderer and thought that you would never know from their demeanour just what they were capable of...on tv of course.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015): Your family is right. Your distorted opinions of yourself are yours alone. You are prejudiced against heavy people, and you don't like dark skin. Traits you describe and have
yourself. So if you don't like yourself, your attitude will project onto others. They will not like you, or will distance themselves; because they sense your negative-vibe.
If you set value on beauty and thinness, don't blame that on others. You don't like yourself, and that is what your post is about. No one can talk you into doing that. If your family can't, who can? If a great guy comes along, you will shoo him away; or never believe him when he tells you why he cares for you. This is all bad practice. You are poisoning yourself, and you're just a young lady. So much to learn.
You will sabotage relationships before they ever begin; because you can't come to grips that anyone would love you for just who you are. Dark-skin, curves, imperfections, and all.
You are very young. You are going from adolescence into womanhood. You got bullied, and people said a lot of bad things to you. If you were skinny as a rail, and had looks to shame a beauty queen; bullies find a way to hurt your feelings and destroy your self-esteem. The problem is, you hated who you are before the bullies got to you. They only reinforced what you already felt about yourself.
No one is immune to mean people. Pretty slim white girls get just as bullied as anybody else. Hated for their looks, and shunned by jealous vicious kids who feel her looks will give her unfair advantages. Everyone gets picked on; but those that let it get to them usually have the lowest self-esteem to begin with.
Time or therapy may help. You can lose weight, but you were born with dark-skin; and you'll wear it for the rest of your life. Hating it will not do you any good. So accept it. If you can't, get some help and find out why. Abuse and bullying has traumatized you, and people made you hate yourself...more than you already do. It's not unusual for young ladies your age to go through your awkward growing stages;look in the mirror, and see things that aren't really there. Dark skin is a reality. Learn to accept it.
People don't hate you for your skin or weight. You don't like it, and let bad people get to you through it. What you're saying to us, is your personality is totally overlooked by every human being you've ever met. You're such a monster, all people see is your skin and the size of your body?
Not really. You've closed-down all your inner-beauty, snuffed out the light in your soul, and shut people out because you've been traumatized.
You're still but a child, sweetheart. Things change as you grow, once you discover your hidden beauty and talents. Your journey toward womanhood will give you tools to survive, no matter what other people think. You'll grow stronger. Nothing changes until you love yourself first. No amount of kind words or years of therapy can do that for you. Hating your skin and weight doesn't make life better, it makes it worse. Go through a burn ward in a children's hospital, or cancer treatment center. Then thank God for life, health, and your youth child!
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