A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I've been dating this guy for over a year. We've talked about getting married this summer and having children. Then, this happens...He recently cheated on me and I found out about it. Since then, our relationship has been strained to say the least. Initially and for the previous week, I told him I was willing to give him another chance and to try again. He admited what he did was wrong and realized much of it was a fear of commitment - although both of us realize there is no excuse for what he did. He moved out last weekend and we decided to take a break from each other. He feels extremely guilty and is sad.I am sad too, but I've found myself having more mood swings. Right now, I'm pretty happy. I'm still sad this happened and our relationship isn't going to be able to move forward like we planned. I'm also angry, frustrated, and disappointed that he lied to me. Even after I found out about his affair, he continued to lie to me about some of the details about it such as the length.Last night I received a text message from him that he wants to see me and move back home. If he would have sent me the message 24 hours earlier, I would have probably jumped all over it. Now, I'm not so sure. Should I meet him this weekend just to talk or should I have another week of separation? I don't want to take a step backwards with my moving forward, but at the same time I realize I need to begin getting some closure so I can move on either with or without him.Thanks in advance for your advice.
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a break, affair, cheated on me, fiance, move on, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): I think your relationship status of being fiances, should be cooled off. You have not really been together that long, you say just over a year or so. I think you should consider this as a warning sign about him.I have been in a similar situation, husband cheated etc. I have struggled alot with the giving another chance, once a cheater always a cheater stance, and I can honestly say it gets confusing. Your able to take as much time as you need. If you can move forward and want to give it another chance, only you can decide. He will lie about what he has done, they all seem to! But I think you should focus on what you know, about him, whether you think he is truly sorry and get's it, now. My husband cheated on past girlfriends, does love me, and still cheated on me. I know this now, I know he is not the perfect soul I thought he was, but then what do you do? You can only find a place which works for you, you state of mind and your feelings and emotions. I think many times when this type of thing happens, most of the innocent parties focus is on the partner who betrayed you. You do move into a new place where you start to be your focus.Advice. Decide if you want to give it another shot? Call off, at this stage any marriage plans. See him for who he is and not what you want or wanted him to be. He is as one, kind aunt advised me about my man, and inperfect soul.But you know that now. It is over to him to show you it was something which he regrets and understands is wrong. You cannot make him do that but only tell him how badly he has hurt you and how confused you now are. Take your time, stay dating and rebuild your friendship. It may not work out, but I suggest if you will always wonder, then do what you want to do with him now, but a much more switched on and aware women, who will not be treated like this again, he needs to really have that drilled into him brain.They say that at times, cheating can be an act of immaturity, which some people never progress from. This may well be him, taking him back needs to be on your terms.All the best and take your time. It is a big decision!!!Much love xxx
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Hi,
From a guy's perspective that is a pretty lame excuse. Which to me suggests he is still not being honest with you.
He may very believe in himself that it was a one off ( I assume it only happened one time ) but will you constantly be worried that he will stray again? What about if you do get married then have a couple of kids, you are at home up to your eyeballs in nappies will he be the pillar of strength you need in your life?
These are tough questions you need to get answers from him, but unless he is honest with you then you sound way to sensible to get mixed up in this type of relationship.
I wouldn't let him do all the deciding when to meet up anyway, if you want to give him another chance tell him that you will let him know when you are ready to start communicating again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Dont feel pressured into meeting him. Take as much time as you need. Time is everything. Put it this way if you left it for say two more weeks and he met someone else within that time you should not feel bad for having had taken the time out. That would show you for instance that he just was not for you. Dont feel obloged to give him a time for when you will meet him. If you feel tommorrow that you want to meet him then you should meet him. It is hard yo make decisions as we dont want to fail at anything and want to do everything the right way but the fact is you cant. You have to go with the moment and see where that leads you, there are no hard and fast rules. We are all individuals and what works for one may not work for another. However, I would recommend taking time out. Make him miss you and realise what he may have lost. He need to understand that you are special and important not just a doormat. Tine will show you the way. He cheated on you, you dont have to offer him anything (your time) unti, you feel ready to/ He should be trying harder to show you that he messed up.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Once a cheater...ALWAYS A CHEATER. I know it hurts like hell, but fear of committment is a lame excuse that says "I need to get laid". He will continue to do this.I've said it before and I'll say iy again. Cheaters are the scum of the earth. I value Loyalty above all else.Best to realize this guy is not worth your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): I know how it hurts, but he is still lying. If he is afraid of commitment perhaps you need to ask yourself whether he is marriage material. Do you know whether he has been unfaithful before, either to you or anyone else? If it's a one-off you might want to give him a second chance but if he's lying even now, you might never get to the bottom of it or be able to trust him.If you are uncertain, give yourself some more space... and make him sweat, even if you want him back!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Its a hard one to know what to say for the best - leave it another week and you might find it harder to talk to him, meet him this w/end your feelings are still raw over what happened... My ex fiance cheated on me with my best friend who was also going to be a bridesmaid at our wedding. I found out and after a while decided to give him another chance!! How silly of me cos a few months later I found out they were still with each other and he BLAMED me for it all cos I was working in a hotel reception and had to work late shifts - well til 11pm and also w/ends but that was no reason to go and shag my best friend?? I dumped him, moved on and am happier now than I have been in all the time I was with him!!! He got his 2nd chance and he blew that so there was nothing else to do in my mind except move on.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 If you have any second thoughts of going back with him, then I suggest that you move on.
He had no reason to cheat on you, so why the hell should you give this cheating toerag another chance? He has shattered all your dreams of marriage and children, who's to say he won't do it again.
Sorry to be harsh,but a real man would have been 100% loyal in my book he is not a man. Dusky xxx.
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