A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I went on a first date last night.Met online and exchanged a few messages over about a week. Went to two different bars, had some good conversation and laughs. He walked me home and then leant in for a kiss. We kissed passionately for 45 mins despite it being a freezing night here in the UK! He made references about coming inside the house, and I deflected the hints by making excuses, eg saying it was very messy. Then he asked again saying he is good at tidying up. I said, 'you seem li I e a nice guy, and it's been a lovely night, but I'm not going to invite you in because you're a stranger I don't know you!' He said he knew that was the reason, and was just pushing to see how far he could get. Anyway after another kiss and him saying he was finding it hard to let me go, and asking if we were going to see each other soon, I said yes and then said goodbye and went in the house. This morning I'm here thinking it all through. Maybe you cupids can help me! Do you think it's too much to kiss on the first date? Is it a sign he likes you, or just a sign he's getting what he can? Could it just be alcohol fuelled? I think for me, although it was a great kiss, it would not have happened without the pint of beer and two glasses of wine. If we meet again, will he expect more kissing? I have not dated for ages and last relationship was with abusive stalker so please understand I am totally out of the loop with what is normal pace and behaviour for relationships. Many thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): Hang on, you had what seemed like a relatively normal and pretty enjoyable date to you feeling "worse and worse"?
Why do you feel like an idiot?
I'm lost OP. He couldn't have been that ugly if you enjoyed your evening enough, kissed him and let's not forget he had a few drinks too and maybe only got caught up in the passion of the moment.
Okay fair enough, if you think he's so ugly it makes you sick then let him go, but you said you had some laughs and a passionate kiss at the end of the night which isn't exactly a bad thing OP.
Op is it possible you've over-thought what happened so much you've turned it into an embarrassing and shameful night in your head? Nothing at all bad happened. You had a fun night, a nice kiss that you enjoyed and a guy who seems pleasant and while he did try it on was respectful and not in anyway forceful about the issue?
Well shit OP, if you're this defeatist then maybe you're not ready for dating. Or maybe you're letting nerves and being out of the loop so long put too much pressure and expectation on yourself.
OP there's nothing disrespectful about not taking the first no for an answer and being gently persistent. Hell 90% of the women I've slept with/dated needed more convincing than that, and I don't mean that in some kind of creepy way. Most women do the bashful, hard to get thing. Even when they want to have a shag because they want to feel you want them enough to work for it and so they don't feel cheap and easy.
You were just after having a passionate 45 minute make out session in the freezing cold and you're seemingly taken aback he wanted to take it further? Okay he wasn't exactly smooth when he said he wanted to see how far he could get but at least he was honest and that's something worth respecting.
OP you're not some tart for getting a bit tipsy and kissing a guy on the first date. This isn't the 1920's and you weren't courting. He stopped the moment you showed you were feeling uncomfortable with his advances, the fact he was persistent was probably a mixture of alcohol, the kissing and he perhaps likes you.
OP there is a misconception about guys and online dating. It's the same as regular dating only it allows people to prejudge who they arrange a date with in terms of mutual interests and stuff.
He could only be interested in sex or he could be a genuine guy you can have some fun with. Personally I see no reason other than your own fear to not see him again and find out. Unless he is of course just too ugly.
OP dating is about fun and you had fun. There's only one way to find out whether you can have fun with this guy again. You really don't mention any cast iron deal breakers and you know more than most with your experience with your abusive stalker that those type of guys are the nicest gentlemen on the planet at the start before you realize it was all fake and he had a darker side underneath, so you can never judge a guy on first impressions.
I say take a chance, meet up again and confirm your suspicions or maybe even be pleasantly surprised. Dating about taking a chance while mitigating risks. Meet again for dinner, have less or no alcohol and go home alone in a taxi or something.
You can be ruthless or you can have a practice run with this guy before you move on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 I think with online dating you get ALL kinds.
I think if there is a high level of attraction physically and emotionally kissing on the first date is fine. Sometimes it's a good way to weed out guys who aren't for you. Like the date you had. The fact that he kept hinting and pushing for more, is not a good sign (IMHO) I means that he is looking for sex more then relationship.
One thing I think you need to be more careful about it 1. drinking on the date, a glass of wine is fine but watch out getting buzzed and 2. letting them see/know where you live. If he is a total creep you don't want him to know your address, right?
What was the reason you kissed him back if you felt no real attraction? Because he kissed YOU?
Toss this one back, try again.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 November 2013):
I don't think kissing is too much. But it's a good thing you didn't invite him in, that would have led to too much.
Kissing could be a sign of anything. A kiss is a kiss...even if it was good, it doesn't "mean" anything really.
Keep in mind, some guys use online dating just as a way to get laid. I've known guys that use it for that purpose...which makes no sense to me because they could easily find some drunk chick at the bar willing to put out. But whatever, to each their own. I'd move VERY slowly with this guy, if you ever go out with him again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): Yeah as the day's worn on I feel worse and worse. Ugh. Don't think I'm cut out for this online dating. I mean, this guy I wouldn't have even looked twice at in a bar but now I end up spending all evening with him.
Thank god I wasn't drunk enough to let him in the house. Still feel like a total idiot though.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 November 2013):
Dear OP,
The are plenty more fish in the sea of online dating. Throw this one back to the ocean, it doesn't matter whether deep down he could still be a good person. You already had a bad experience, you want to stay on the safe side from now. Don't think too much about a guys inner reasons. Just judge the actions. He kissed you on the first date and pushed to come inside your house for sex. He backed off, okay, but only after being told several times. That's enough to know about him, it doesn't matter whether he has other good qualities. Possibly dangerous? Let's never find out if he really is, let's just move on.
My advice: Stay sober during the next date. Maybe one glass of wine, but if you drink too much, you tell things you otherwise wouldn't, or you end up kissing when you're not ready.. happened to me, can't recommend it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): "He said he knew that was the reason, and was just pushing to see how far he could get"
Forget whether or not kissing is appropriate for the first date. Your intuition is telling you that you guys probably kissed for all of those reasons. That quote up there? That is him stating just what kind of person he is. Do you want to be with someone who pushes to see how far they can get? (I would hope not, he sounds like he is a boundary pusher. Boundary pusher = not good.) Sorry, but I wouldn't want you to waste your time with someone who tries to change your mind when you say no. he doesn't respect you.
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