A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Going through the site, I see people talking about sex, relationships like it's some kind of everyday thing. It's pretty difficult not to cry trying to write this out, how is it just happening for everyone else, but for me, I've never dated, had a g/f. But I've tried, I either talk to a girl who responds with the classic line and oh, um, let's just be friend" or they think up some random excuse off the top of their head like "I'm busy working 40 hours a week, I go to school 18 credit hours" well if that's true I understand, but why is she so happy to ask my advice a week after I was saving up money getting sports tickets to surprise her on a date to try and ask me advice about a guy from the graduating class who just happened to ask her out? I thought she said she's too busy with school,work? Obviously not if she needs my advice about someone I haven't talked to in 10 years! I told her "I don't know" but I'm not about to help another guy after I save up for tickets, after I get lied too. How is everything just so common for everyone else, but for me it's like navigating through a labyrinth blindfolded, while the room keeps getting shaken like a snow globe, and I'm left without a compass? It's just so everyday life for people to have their experiences, pretty soon I'm going to be too old, no girl will want me, etc... Didn't think the nice guys would finish last while girls were away making up things as they went along. Ins ad all the time being lied to when deep down I know I'm trying, I know I'm trying to be genuine. The entire time I just can't help but feel like I'm being used
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 January 2014):
 Sounds like a whole range of things have been building up and finally the "straw that broke the camel's back" has really got you down.
It is not always about you. There are many reasons why a girl may say no and she has a right to say no.
Your own self esteem is your greatest asset. If your self esteem is in the doldrums then getting a girl, any girl, is going to be an uphill battle.
Valuing you and being kind to you is going to help you a whole lot more in every avenue of your life.
Girls are attracted to genuine confidence.
Girls don't owe you anything and neither do you owe a girl anything.
First and foremost you have to choose things you enjoy and reach out to do nice things for you every day. That is not selfish. It is about survival.
in fact in the 1930s (around then) a man wrote a book called "The art of selfishness" and pointed out that it is very important to put you as Number one in your life.
Other people do not make your life better,
Your own decisions that nurture and support you best are what make you and your life better.
So you want to go to a Game? You don't need a girl there you can go to the game and get enjoyment from the entertainment that day.
So you would like to be fitter? You can start walking in the park daily and you will start to feel better about that brisk walk every day.
You need to tidy up an area that looks messy? You can start that today and get a sense of achievement from doing it.
You want to have more people in your life? Then don't specifically go looking for people. Instead join a class to learn a new skill. Put your energy and passion into that. That attitude helps you attract people.
Feeling down and sad yourself? then join a group helping the community. Commit to helping out with volunteering. The effort to do this will bring you into contact with positive people and help you improve your own ways of interacting with people.
your confidence will grow.
And that will make it easier to attract others to you, including girls.
A positive outlook makes all the difference to happiness.
And if you find it difficult to be positive and you find live is making you feel ground down? Then seek out some counselling.
or contact a free line like 1-800-273-8255 – talk
And if you ever feel utterly bereft of support then this is a great help line to read: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/original.htm
The greatest things you can focus on is being positive about the little things. That may not resonate when you are feeling down, hence the suggestion to get some help to help you to focus more on the positive.
Here is a quote that I thought might be relevant:
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through" by Nicholas Sparks
and last but not least here is an article on being positive:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
Because it is never too late.
My grandfather married at 42 and went on to have a family of 5
My great grandfather married at 40 and had many children
My great great grandfather married at 37 and also went on to have many children.
So I have never seen anything untoward for men to wait until their life is settled and as they want it before they settle down to have a family.
a lot of guys do wait until they are late 20s before they are ready to settle down.
Try not to dwell on what you have NOT achieved so far and instead value your strengths and look at the things you do do well.
And if a girl rejects you?
Celebrate that you did not waste your time with her. Because clearly she failed to recognise all your good talents and all the things you are good at. That she cannot see your good points is her failure. She is not worthy of you if all she can do is give you a weak no and back away.
Keep on looking for ways to enjoy your life and enhance your life experiences. That way you are more likely to eventually find a girl who values you for who you are.
Good Luck in the future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy can't I tell a girl I've never had a g/f?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 January 2014):
It sounds to me like your strategy is "befriend a girl so she can see what a nice guy I am, then she'll surely want to date me."
Befriend a girl who you want to be friends with. Ask a girl out who you want to date. If a friendship turns into something more that's fine, but don't let dating be the prime objective.
Frustration is normal when you spend your prime dating years alone, but if you let it affect you then you're almost guaranteed to be single.
As wiseowl said you should probably figure out what else you could improve on. Maybe it's your sense of style or your haircut. Maybe you need to be a little more assertive. Who knows. It's also likely that the girls you're interested in are out of your league. I seem to here a lot of people (especially women) complain that the guys they like never like them, and the guys that like them are a bunch of nerds.... Well, time to take a hint.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): You're totally pissed off and summed-up your entire love-life around a few unfortunate incidents with a couple of inconsiderate, if not stupid, females.
I'm not inclined to fault the women. Your whole post is a dead giveaway, that it's mainly you!
Dating is hit or miss, dude. Some guys just dust themselves off, and climb back on. They don't go all cynical and bitter; and give up in total defeat.
They don't withdraw into themselves; and skulk around in total geekiness. Tone it down, you're coming off a trite too cocky. Save it to add it to your sex-appeal. That's where it counts.
You don't let a few misses stop you from swinging the bat in the next inning. Sometimes you just have to absorb rejection or failure; and continue until you find your own success.
Review your behavior around women from start to finish, to determine what is consistent; and causes you to repeatedly get the same unsatisfactory results. You rewind and replay your actions in order to analyze your old strategy. Then tweak it.
If it's tough for you; blame a lot of it on your defeatist attitude. Woe is you!!!
Desperation and neediness reflects through your facial expressions, body-language, and how you interact with people. People avoid bad vibes and snippy personalities.
You give off a negative vibe that turns women off when you approach them; expecting in advance to be rejected or mistreated. Holding on to old-baggage that you should have dumped, with the last girl you claim "friend-zoned" you.
You are self-doubting, lack confidence, and have a very poor attitude. That will also show through your general disposition and demeanor.I pick it up in the tone behind your post.
You exude sarcasm, you're moody, and prone to temper tantrums like a spoiled little boy.
Yes, I can pick all that up in how you express yourself in your writing. Don't be surprised! Read it yourself.
You piss on your own self-esteem by labeling yourself a failure, as compared to everyone else.
Forget about everybody else; and concentrate on yourself and what YOU DO. How you approach people,the message you project when in a group of folks. How you verbally participate within a group situation.
That says a lot about you as a guy, and how your personality translates when you're down to one on one.
If you don't shy from groups,you don't shy from individuals.
If you're sniveling and pitiful, while trying to make girls like you for acting like a sad and rejected little boy; that's how you'll be treated.
If you try to be a girl's problem-solver, she'll hire you for the position; because that's the position you applied for.
They also pick up on your hostility and misogynistic
air; when you awkwardly try to pick them up with your lame-game. Angry at them, because you don't know what to say; or know how to hold a girl's attention. You pause speechless,and run out of conversation. So they roll their eyes. Yet another lame and creepy dude.
Try being relaxed, friendly, confident, and funny. Use your best features to your advantage. Be it good hair, a great smile, or a hard body. If you have a good sense of humor, let it out. If you're flabby and soft. Tone your body. It's a competitive dating-world. Slobs don't get picked!
Like yourself first. Then girls will like you too!
If other guys don't make you a part of their pack, it's because they sense you'll repel women. Yes dude, that's why they avoid you. Not because you're weird. Every pack needs a smart nerd! Girls love them! You still have to update your appearance, stand up straight,and have a modern haircut(even if you're balding or receding). You might be a little older than the other students. College women will dig the maturity.
You work hard, and you earn a living. Big plus in your favor, when it comes to dating. Hopefully, you have your own place and transportation. You're gaining points!
You build confidence when you adopt a positive approach and realize that you still have to complete the course; even if you made one or two failing grades. It means you up your game, study harder, and be more prepared.
Since you're so busy assessing the success of other people in finding companionship. Observe how other ordinary guys approach the ladies; and notice their body-language. The tone in their speech, and the expression on their faces.
Take notes. Go to the local pubs near school where the campus crowd hangs out. Watch the interaction between the sexes. When a guy hits on a girl. Note his technique.
Notice how the girl he's after responds. That's the key.
You smile. Keep the smile as you close in. You say something funny, and offer a light compliment. Then you act like you noticed her, but aren't really that interested.
If she opens up and doesn't immediately brush you off,
ask her something about herself, her major and how school's going. Say something funny about class or something you saw on campus, and get her laughing. This is how you practice creating charm.
Don't stare, lock eye-contact, or say anything that makes you sound desperately looking for a girlfriend. That's creepy!
If you would lighten up, be more carefree, or easy-going; not just girls, but people in general will warm up to you.
You have to join up and travel with a group of guys that are good-natured, average to good-looking; who easily grab female attention. You have to be the tag-a-long. You have to start from an apprenticeship; because you have no game.
It rubs off, and girls check out the whole group. They figure if one is cool, it follows for the rest.
NEVER EVER TELL A WOMAN YOU NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND!!!
They will recoil, lift their hoop-skirts, and run like those cartoon women who've seen a mouse or spider!
If you're an isolated loner on campus; you look like a potential stalker, or a serial-killer. You have to be friendly and outgoing. I keep referring to campus; because you'll find women in large and diverse groups. They are also more exposed to guys who may lean toward being a nerd.
Nothing wrong with that. Own it. At your age, and you never had a girlfriend? You're a nerd. Take it as a compliment.
You'll know you're making a good impression when people invite you out with them, and extend you party invitations.
So open up and join a study-group, attend guest-lectures,
be active on campus. Get a cute puppy. Jog, ride a bike.
Join the human race, don't hate!
If you sulk and walk with your eyes too the floor; don't expect to make friends; and least of all, attract women!
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 January 2014):
 I'm sorry to hear you're feeling sad but it's definitely not "too late" for you to meet someone amazing.
If you are not having much luck with the girls in your current social circle, perhaps it's time to mix things up a bit. Join a club or meetup group for something you enjoy or take a class at a recreation center. Volunteer with a social program you support, or join a book club (or religious study group if you are a believer.) Any of these things have the potential to bring you into contact with nice girls who share an interest you are passionate about. They in turn will see you in your element because you're doing something you enjoy.
You might also consider approaching a girl you wouldn't normally try to get a date with. Maybe she's shy, or not quite your usual "type" physically. I don't want to assume anything about you but some of the posters who write here about dating troubles are very self-limiting in terms of the girls they pursue. If you're ONLY willing to hit on, say, skinny naturally blonde girls no taller than 5'6 with breasts at least a C cup or larger (just throwing this out as an example) then yes, you're making your dating life a lot harder than it could be. Only a handful of the girls you meet will fit a standard that specific (whatever it might be) and of those, not all will be interested in YOU as a potential partner. I'm not saying this is your problem by any means, as you didn't provide that kind of detail, but I just wanted to bring it up as something to consider in case it applies to you even slightly. Not saying you shouldn't have or aren't entitled to physical standards, just suggesting that the broader you can make them, the more potential dates you will meet.
Can you provide any more detail on where and how you have been meeting girls, how you approach them, and some things that are non-negotiable for you in terms of potential partners' appearance and personality? This would allow more specific suggestions.
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