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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My husband doesn't value me and doesn't believe me, I feel like I have to "prove" things to him. I've been married for 9 years, my husband and I get along well and are good friends. If we could afford to live separately, our marriage would probably be better. 90% of our marriage is happy, we're good friends.I've told him I've been unhappy for years, if I go to leave he'll beg me to stay and pretend to read therapy books, etc. He went to therapy for a year pre-covid, it didn't help. He had a narcissistic mother, he's 38 and I'm 33. They have no relationship and have been no contact for 6 years. 90% of the time, he's great to me. He makes me coffee every morning. He's never raised his voice to me. He's never threatened me, he's never left me. He doesn't look at other women, he cooks and cleans the house without being asked. He works very hard and would take a physical bullet for me. He's brilliant, he has a PhD in engineering and makes great money. We've shared money with no issues our entire marriage. I don't feel heard, I don't feel nurtured, I don't feel cared about. I never have, through the years I made excuses and thought he'd "learn" my love language. He only values what he thinks is important in a marriage, he doesn't acknowledge my unhappiness as an issue. He says he thinks I'm being emotional and irrational and just "lets me go". I sent him a song last year about our marriage dying and I found weeks later that he didn't listen to it. He didn't see a consequence to ignoring it, so he did. What do I do? If we divorce, my financial quality of life will change and I'll be a lot lonelier. We moved out together when I as 21 years old, he's been the witness to every intimate moment I've had in my adult life. I'm not in love with him and haven't been for at least a year. I was holding on for a thread for years before that. We don't have sex anymore, I'm just not in a mental place to sleep with him. I know I can leave and I have the life experience to know I'll get through it and in a year, things will be/look different for me. I understand that will be difficult and I'm ready to do that if that's the best decision for me. I feel like a deflated balloon, I really and truly loved this man. I would've volunteered to be nailed to a cross and crucified for him. Is it time to leave, or should I take a solo vacation, cry it out, and come back and live with a guarded heart so I can stay financially comfortable? Also, if someone could send me a virtual hug, I'd really appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2024): Hugs! Lots of hugs to you, OP! This post could have been written by me, because in a different corner of the world, I am facing the exact same thing. I'm sitting in my mother's house and typing this, thinking of how similar our lives are. The only difference is, I have a 7 year old daughter, who is extremely intelligent and sensitive and is the collateral damage of an emotionally absent father.
My husband is all the things you've said about yours. I rationalise my situation (most of the time) by just telling myself that he's a good person and won't hurt me or my daughter.
In a way it's almost ridiculous how we have come to justify men's actions over the years saying that "oh he is a good man, just let it go". We can be everything and do everything and not put a foot wrong and yet all the man has to do is the bare minimum and we should be thankful that he's not cheating or beating us up. What a world we've become!
A vacation isn't going to change anything because you will come back home to the same person. The only thing that can change your situation is if your husband really decides to put in more of an effort and makes the effort to be more available to you. Only he can do that. Can you try showing him the post that you've written here? Maybe he hasn't realised the extent of the damage that's been caused?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2024): On paper your husband is doing the right things but he's not meeting your emotional needs. It's hard to leave someone and a struggle not to have much money, but you aren't happy and don't feel cared for. His love language is giving materially and yours is different. If you tell him you want to leave he might take you more seriously. As it is, he probably doesn't realise how badly it's affecting you, because you haven't taken any action.
A solo vacation might help a little, or a trial separation and see how things stand.
You don't say what else you have in your life in terms of social contact, friendships and hobbies or interests. You'll need those things so you're not left too alone.
There's a book you might like, 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus'.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 May 2024):
 What is your goal?
To be financially secure or to have a happy marriage?
It seems you can't "quite" have both with this guy. At least not the latter.
The thing is OP, your partner doesn't KNOW how to fulfill your needs. He was probably NEVER taught and it's not easy for some people to learn. They kind of have to "fake it." You have BEEN with his for 9 years, so you KNOW what kind of person he is. I think you are expecting him to change "for you" and be someone he is NOT. And that is unfair.
You say 90% of your marriage is great. I say, that sounds pretty darn good! To most people.
You have to accept that this is who he is. If that doesn't really work for you, maybe it's time to walk away and stand on your own two feet.
It sounds like you settled for this guy and that isn't fair to him. And it sounds like you are with him for his money, which isn't fair either.
You can't CHANGE another person.
A solo vacation isn't going to set you right either.
Counseling/Therapy is NOT going to change who he is. It might give him more insight to who he is and why he is that way, but fundamentally, THIS is who he is.
I actually feel sorry for him.
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