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female
,
anonymous
writes: My fiance seems to have lost interest in me sexually, and it's breaking my heart. We have been together a year and a half, and for the first year our sex life was absolutely amazing. We both have high sex drives, we were having sex 2-3 times a week, and it was the best ever for both of us. About six months ago he moved in with me just when my career went into a downward spiral that left me depressed and insecure of my self-worth. Our wonderful sex life fizzled at that point too, which made my insecurity even worse. Add all that to the normal stress of moving in together (especially when he hasn't lived with anyone romantically in 20 years), and we were bound to hit some bumps in the road.However, he has gone from not being able to keep his hands off of me to never touching me that way at all. When I try to initiate a sexual encounter, he rebuffs me, or takes me up on it but I end up feeling like he's having sex just to placate me. (This is about once every 3 weeks now.) He says that my self-esteem troubles have made him feel that there's a desperation to my flirting now, that sex is about way more than just having fun and enjoying each other, and that makes him nervous. He tells me to just leave it alone and that it will all come back eventually, but I'm terrified that it won't. How long do I have to go without coming on to him until it's magically all better for him? And how awful does it feel to have to keep myself reined in like this, when I'm so attracted to him and love him so much?In addition, I know that he views internet porn almost every day. (He works part-time from home, so while I'm working full-time and commuting, which makes for 12 hour days, he's free to do what he wants at home. And that's commuting to a wonderful new job, btw, so my job-related insecurity is completely gone now and I tell him regularly how happy and confident I am in that area of my life now.) He tells me the porn viewing has no bearing on our sexual relationship, that he was doing that the entire time our sex life was so good before he moved in, but I can't help but feel like he now prefers porn to me. He tells me that he does it because he has such a high libido -- but that just hurts my feelings to be told that he "thinks about sex all the time" when his actions are telling me that he's no longer interested in sex with me.Other aspects of our life together are great: he's my best friend, we have many common interests, we spend almost all of our free time together talking and laughing, and he's very loving and affectionate. I keep trying to tell myself that sex isn't as important as all that, but I'm finding myself feeling as low and unworthy as I did when I was with my emotionally abusive ex-husband who NEVER wanted to have sex with me and had anger issues and told me I was fat. I've lost 40 lbs. and everyone tells me I look amazing, but now I can't see it because all I can think about is that my fiance was more interested in sex with me about 10-15 lbs. ago than he is now, even though he still tells me I'm pretty and sexy. Now I catch myself thinking things like, "If only I could lose 20 more lbs., maybe...."I always figured that this was one area we would never, ever have problems with, and it made me so happy to be able to come back to life sexually after my disastrous marriage. I absolutely can't believe this has happened in our relationship, when it used to be the best sexual relationship I've ever had. It's like waking up and realizing a nightmare is happening in real life to be back here feeling unwanted sexually all over again. I'm just so, so sad about this, and I would really appreciate some advice.
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best friend, depressed, emotionally abusive, fiance, flirt, insecure, libido, moved in, porn, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): If he's into porn, then he too has low esteem. Maybe it's him and not you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2006): Hi although the p[oster below gave good advice please be aware that porn can and does cause men to lose interest in real life women. especially when they are using it every day. I know first hand that this is true. My h did exactly the same thing and in counselling it has come out that he 'cant help but compare my body to the porn stars and be disappointed. Let me tell you Im a healthy fit desirable woman but NO woman can live up to the endless stream of porn stars. Our counsellor told us she is seeing more and more of this problem and that women who kid themselves that porn has no effect on their partners view of them are making a big mistake...My advice...seek help, even if you go to counseliing alone it may help you.....it only gets worse with guys who use porn especially as you age and have kids..best wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2006): OH MY GOD!, I'm sure this is the letter I typed a few months ago!.
Ok, its not really as bad as you think it is, trust me I have been in your shoes and trousers and top and all the rest of it!.
I had exactly the same complaint not that long ago, and we have managed to sort our problems out. I can give you advice but you need to do what you think is best for you guys, ok.
I had the realisation as you did, when we moved in together our sex life just seemed to disappear, it was the strangest thing.
I got upset and we argued and argued,but arguing got us no where.
Dont make the same mistake that I made and let it go, not doing anything about it makes the problem worse.
You need to have a heart to heart with him, tell him that the original feelings of depression were because you lost your job and felt helpless and all of the other feelings that go hand in hand with feeling depressed.
But you should stress to him that your not flirting desperately to get some gratification!, you want to experience the closeness and warmth and love that you feel when you have sex with him.
its not about keeping the feelings of depression at bay anymore, your over that now you just want to feel loved and close again.
He also needs to know that if he keeps holding out on you hes just fueling the feelings of worthlessness and depression. Its a vicious circle, as long as hes holding out on you your not going to feel like yourself until everything is back to normal.
And if the lack of sex has made his labido drop, then the only way to bring it up again is to actually have sex more often.
When you hold out on sex, after a while your labido starts to drop, by having sex more often your body remembers how good sex feels and the labido starts to increase again.
Ok about the porn thing, most men will look at porn even if they are going out with Pamela Lee or whoever it is that they consider sexy!.
so dont stress about that, it hasnt caused him to find you less attractive, or unsexy, (even though you may feel like that,oh well done on the weight loss by the way!!).
Trust me on this one, hes probably as confused as you are!. men dont have a clue about reading womens emotions they just dont get it, you have to spell it out to them.
right I hope I have been of some help to you, just remember to tell him how you REALLY feel dont leave anything out, he needs to know the full extent of how your feeling to fully understand that hes just adding fuel to the flames!.
Ok I know this was a bit of a novel!, but if there is anything else I can help you with just contact me, I'm happy to help.
GOOD LUCK sweety.
xx
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