A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years. I guess some part of me thought that when I found THE one, when we kissed it would be like electricity coursing through my body. I asked him if he experience that, and he told me he did. I feel awful, because lately I have been thinking about other men. My boyfriend treats me like a queen, and I know I am lucky to have him. He really is an amazing person, and I truly believe he is my soulmate. Is it possible to love your soulmate, but not be "in love"? I am a very sexual person, and the sex is great, but not fantastic, and I find it to be a very important part of a relationship. He always tries to please me, but he has never been able to make me orgasm. To make matters worse, when we kiss I do not feel anything. I guess kissing and because I’ve been flirted with recently are why I have been thinking about having sex with other men, and if I would finally have an orgasm.. He is my first, so my curiosity and sexual frustration have been growing. One guy is a co-worker who has blatantly flirted with me and told me he thinks I'm beautiful, so I've had straying thoughts about him, and another is one of my professors, though I cannot really tell if he is constantly commenting on my body to help me (it is a fitness class) or if he is being helpful. What should I do? Should I be open and honest with my boyfriend and say that I've had thoughts about other men, though I feel that he is my soulmate? I do love him, and I can't imagine not having him in my life, but I wonder if my own problems prevent me from truly loving him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): I agree with a lot of what Mr P has said, I also think that you are too young to be tied down just yet, and I don't believe in soul mates....I believe in respect, friendship, emotional connection, trust and passion. I believe love is not a feeling, not of electricity when he kisses you, and not the big O, all though all of that is very nice when it happens.
I believe and know for a fact that love is a concsious decision to be a loving partner to another. It is a choice that we knowingly make and "commit" to, without that you do not have true love, and the other person of course being loved makes us feel the way we want to feel, but is not ultimately responsible for any of it, we are responsible, we make the choice for ourselves and we have to commit to "being" a loving person in order to have love.
This is not a linear concept and I think if you think about this for awhile, you will grasp it and realize that going out searching for electric sex and orgasms is not the way to go about finding love, because it is inside you first and foremost.
That said, it may not be the right time of your life to just be dating one person. You may not know yourself well enough, or know what you want or need in a partner for you to make that "concsious decision" to love.
There are many many "soul mates" or soul connections out there in the world for you. When people say they cannot imagine their life without someone, that to me is only talking about dependence, which is not the same thing as love, really.
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (2 March 2007):
 I don't believe in "soulmates" but I do believe it is possible to love someone and not be "in love" with them.
You are 21 or under and have been tied to a relationship for 2 1/2 years so you may be feeling some wonder lust. Personally, I think you're too young to be tied down, and you must be feeling the same way. I think you have 3 choices:
A) Tell him how you feel
B) Subdue your inner feelings and don't tell him how you feel.
C) Cheat on him
Of the 3, I think you need to go with A, tell him how you feel. The other 2 wouldn't be fair to you or him. Whatever happens after you tell him is up to the 2 of you to decide. You may decide you want to date other people and remain friends or you still may decide to date each other exclusively, but that's why you need to talk about it.
Good luck!
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