A
male
age
30-35,
*nonymous818
writes:Hello, I have been in the same relationship for almost two years. Both me girlfriend and I are 19 and in college full time. We are both in love and devoted to each other. Our problem is that we argue a lot. Typically, an arguments results in her being stressed out or taking out some sort of anger on me. I have always known she has an explosive personality and she is easily angered, yet she is easily calmed. So when ever she throws her fits or tantrums I do my best to calm her down. But lately, I feel as if I am dealing with a child. As if I am always on a fine line and worried of angering her and getting into a pointless argument. These arguments can last a few minutes to a few hours at most but they are always a distraction and waste of time. I have noticed that when she's stressed, we argue, especially when either she or I have an important exam coming up and it hinders our ability to study. If she does poorly on an exam she will call me after it yelling, and sometimes if I can't answer she won't stop until I do, and she will yell about how she did so bad and she seems to always look for me to calm her down. To what limit am I able to be pushed? I'm only human and I have stress of my own, she always expects me to be calm and approach her calmly when sometimes its outside of my ability to.Also, she has lately complained about how our relationship isn't how it once was "like a fantasy" and I explain to her that we don't live in a fantasy, our love is our reality and we must learn to work together to get through each day. We used to spend a lot of time together but it was because I had saved up from my job and we both were freshmen with easy classes. As our classes get harder we will have to spend less time together because we have to focus on studying I explain to her but we will spend the free time we have together. This is not enough for her. She seems to want to spend too much time with me because that's how it used to be. I always explain to her that I want to have a balance between her, school, my family, and my friends. This always leads to an argument about how everything is "about me". Am I being selfish? Am I really not putting enough effort into our relationship? I do love her and I don't want to lose her even though sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to date a more understanding and independent girl.Is it possible to have a serious relationship like this in college? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 It's possible to have a serious relationship in college, but not like that. She can't have a serious relationship because she's the selfish one. She cries and yells to get what she wants. She only calms down because she got what she wanted, which is your attention. Like a kid acting out because he's not able to do what he wants to, or complaining about bodyaches and stuff, offer him icecream and he would shut up immediately. So what can you do with a child like that besides time out? Ask her "what do you want?" Then tell her whether you can do that, or not, and stop at that.
It's true people grow up, become more understanding but her behavior is disturbing and manipulative. Dating a more understanding and independent girl feels very peaceful and happy. My boyfriend tells me that when he hears a girl yelling, nagging or complaining, he loses his erection. The definition of a serious relationship is when two people care about not only about each other's feelings, about also lives outside of themselves, health, career, family members. It doesn't mean the intensity of emotions (in your case, negative emotions) involved. I can understand girls being needy at the beginning of the relationship (I've been one). But yelling, that's something else.
A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (14 October 2010):
Your girlfriend sort of sounds like me. And the answer is that you're not being selfish or not putting enough effort it. In fact, you're probably being too nice and coddling her too much. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around her and spend your time calming her down. Sometimes she needs to deal with things herself. Try to talk to her about it and set down some rules. That she can't just vent all her anger on you.
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A
female
reader, JavaJade22 +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Yes, it is. Just because you have a bad egg don't lose all hope.
Let me explain why she might be feeling this way. College is a huge adjustment period especially for females who tend to be more attached to familiar surroundings. If you two attend two separate colleges it would be considered a long distance relationship which is 10x's harder. I'm assuming since you guys have been dating for 2 years, you attended the same high school. If my assumptions are correct, than that could also be a reason for her being so much like a leech. Shes used to seeing you all-day every day and now its once a week not to mention you are surrounded by females.
Arguments are healthy in moderation, too much arguing can make a relationship seem more work than their worth. I have seen many relationships fall to pieces because all they did was argue. If you two can't go a day without arguing, you have to think to yourself if it's really worth it. Its added stress and anxiety and since you are a freshman in college, you have enough to worry about other than relationship issues. You are in no way wrong for wanting to spread yourself evenly between her,family, school and friends. Either she has to accept it, or she hits the road.
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