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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: So my husband has a lot of friends that he hangs out with regularly. Nice guys, really. But a few weeks ago a new guy joined the group and something very strange has happened. This guy is the "cool" or "bad boy" type of guy. We'll call him James. I mean, he's just a guy who smokes cigarettes, may possibly be an alcoholic, and is disrespectful to women, especially his girlfriend. And for some reason he has my husband's full attention. My husband and his friends hang out and also play Xbox live together, like shooter games or whatever. Not a big deal, never has been. It's his hobby and never bothered me. Well if they are not hanging out as a group they are playing, but now my husband has made James his number one right hand man. Also when they aren't hanging out or playing Xbox live they are chatting on skype IM. I would say they Skype together for at least 6-7 hours a day if they aren't hanging out. In fact, they skype while playing Xbox and talk to each other privately so that their friends can't hear. But they aren't sneaky about it, I hear my husband say "James, check your skype." Well, the other thing is if I walk into the room he gets very protective of his skype. He accuses me of trying to look at the screen and read his conversations. He has never acted that way before, never. So I tease him, "Oh are you talking to a girl?" And he's like "Yeah, James is a girl, whatever." It is actually a huge concern to me.The other thing is that now when his friends are going out and invite him he says, "Is James going?" And if they say no he says, "I don't want to go. I'll just stay home." And he stays home to skype with James. This has happened enough times that his friends are noticing it. They are making comments like, "Oh, going to sleep with your boyfriend." Or "Oh, sexting with your boyfriend." I can tell that they are annoyed with it, too.Also, it has been six weeks since James came along, and in that time my husband has stopped initiating sex. He was also pretty aggressive in the bed. Also if I send him a sexy text message he changes the subject. I'm losing my mind. I feel like he's cheating on me. I have never felt threatened like this by another man. My husband isn't gay, I know that. He's not bi either. But I just feel like I'm losing my husband to another man! But if I bring it up he just tells me I'm being stupid and completely disregards me. I'm falling into depression and I have been having hysterical fits of crying. I have no concentration, no energy, I try to distract myself with things I normally like doing but I just get irritated. I've been having panic attacks and hyperventalating....I don't know what to do. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): I am sorry but I hate when husbands find a new singles friends and they act like them....My hb did the same thing and I realized that he prefers his friends than me...so I decide to ended the marriage...he seems happy to be "single" again...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Sometimes married guys get a little envious of single guys (James may have a girlfriend, but he "acts" single--so he might as well "be" single")--sometimes married men get envious of the "freedom" of their male single friends. Sadly, some men lose their wives because of it.
A wise woman once told me a story of her husband during their early years of marriage: they got married young and most of his friends were not married. He began treating her like she was a burden and wanted to spend all of his free time "with the boys". She dealt with it for a while and finally told him, "You know what all your single friends are looking for when they go out to bars and clubs? They are looking for what you already have: a woman that loves them and wants to spend her life with them. By the time they all find theirs, you'll have lost yours". Thankfully, he was a wise man and he "heard" what she was saying... they are still married 27 years later.
You need to talk to your husband about his priorities and be clear that you are willing to accept his male friends and the occasional "boys night out", but, you are not going to stand by and watch him live out his fantasy of "being single again" forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. No he wasn't like that until he met James. Until six weeks ago we had an amazing relationship. Always loving and supporting of each other and always able to share our feelings and concerns together. I was really feeling we were having the greatest time in our relationship ever. We have been together for a long time, but we were closer than ever. Then one day he met James and it was like a big giant wall fell between us. It was sudden cut off. I seriously feel like we went from being best friends and lovers to room mates in the matter of one day.I worry about the girl thing because they have been meeting girl gamers online. I don't mind if he has girl gamer friends as long as they are not flirting, but one recently made him a signature for his forum that was really amazing. He posted on twitter how amazing it was of her. But he quickly revealed that she makes them for everyone. But, with all this going on I was instantly jealous. I didn't say anything because I don't want to give him another reason to shut me out....
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 "Get the f* away from him"? WOW. I'm sorry for you. That's awful.
People can sense how you are feeling, even if you don't advertize it, so my advice stands.
I wonder why, in six weeks, your husband suddenly turned into a jerk... or was he always a bit insensitive and immature? Is this just the latest (if also the worst) in a string of incidents?
You deserve to be happy, so go make it happen while keeping a silent eye on this scenario. If your husband really is flirting with other girls, (which I doubt or he would go out with James instead of refusing other invitations in favour of skyping and x-box with James), then you'll get red flags and can act on them at that time.
Get the "f" away, huh? Unbelievable. Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. Despite how low you may be allowing yourself to feel right now, you deserve better.
In the meantime, you say you know he is not bisexual and if he is skyping and playing video games with James at home, he is not out meeting other women. Besides, women are not turned on by boys who are married and prefer video games over sex. ;-)
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should also add that I don't cry in front of him or anything. He has no idea I"m going through this. I have these fits of crying in the car or in the bathroom when he's asleep. I burry my face so he doesn't hear. I always just give him smiles and go about my day. But on the inisde I'm having a nervous breakdown.
I've never said anything bad about his new friend. I just sit there and then when he's gone is when I'm a mess. The only time I asked him one question about it he told me I was being "retarded and get the f* away from him" so I didn't ask him about it since.
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female
reader, oliviababy  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 well i'm really really sorry, but i think your husband and "James" may be in love with eachother, you need to talk to him, no matter what he does, also when hes out sometime look at his skype messages, just make sure he doesn't find out! Otherwise they might just be very good friends, so comeing back to your main question "Ist it possible for a man to have an emotional affair with a male friend?" Yes it is, so you need to discover what hes doing and saying to James, and perhap you should try and organise more dates with eachother just the two of you, perhaps, no offence, its your fault for not spending time with him? I don't know, i hope thinks work out ok! xx
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (6 September 2011):
It is impossible to know what is going on... it could be, as stated already, a "shiny, new bro-mance"... or it could be that James and his lifestyle have tapped into an aspect of your husband's mind-set that his previous friendships did not encourage him to express. In both scenarios, the novelty may wear off in time…
You are fairly young, so I will presume your husband is too (that and a favourite hobby is playing video games). I don't mean you are a child, but you are under 30 (according to the information listed beside your question). Perhaps there is an allure to the bachelor-esque-lifestyle James represents. It’s possible that your husband misses his single-days. That doesn’t mean he would trade in what he has for those days… but he might miss them. His new-found friendship may remind him of those days.
If this is just a phase your husband will outgrow, the more attention you pay to it, the longer it will take for him to do so. If he feels he has to defend this to you, he is more likely to run to James than to move closer to you... your behaviour can, in fact, inspire the things you fear the most.
Regardless of which of the above two issues is the cause (assuming he really is not gay, and he probably isn’t), appearing to be a self-fulfilled and confident woman is the best way to encourage his interest to return to you. Crying fits and a loss of self-esteem will not draw him in, confidence will. You may need to fake it for a little while, but if you remain focused on keeping yourself happy, you won’t have to keep faking it.
This is an unfair situation, but you have within you the capacity to overcome this.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately his girlfriend doesn't talk to anyone. I've never even met her and she never goes anywhere with them, is never invited (neither am I, though... but I've never been invited to go with "the guys,") and isn't interested in being friends. The only reason I even know he has a girlfriend is because he talks about wanting to sleep around on her and that she's a "nag" and him and her mother don't get along. I know he's not bi because of his past behavior. I mean if he's a really good actor and deep in the closet then he would have had to be acting since we're teenagers. And one thing my husband doesn't do is pretend to be things he's not. He's as blunt as the day is long, doesn't care what others think of him, etc. So, that would be an utter shocker. I don't think anything sexual is going on between them, but I do fear they are at least flirting with other women....
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 September 2011):
 impossible to know whats going on here.
could be a case of new friend comes into his life and its like being a kid again. the novelty might wear off, james might move onto someone else and they see less of each other.
maybe there is a woman involved somewhere, if james is disrespectful to women they might have been hitting bars and both hooking up with women, and this is why your husband has lost his interest in sex and sexting with you.
you say he is not bi? how can you know?
like i say, i cannot tell what is happening, the fact that their other friends are calling them gay is a worry but this could just be a bit of jealousy coz your husband and james get on so well and they feel a bit pushed out. can you speak to james' girlfriend? maybe she can offer some insight from her side of things
x
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