A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We are married 5 years, together for 9 with an 8momth old baby. No affection -kissing, touching or verbal, no dates, no sex, no vacations, no celebration of anniversaries, we talk about work 90% of the time. I feel lonely.Is my relationship over? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (9 January 2022):
It seems to me that these are things you should work on with him. Tell him how you feel, and what you'd like to do about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2022): I meant to say:
"If you've never solved your outstanding relationship issues; a baby is just a temporary fix, or distraction; and even [becomes] a pending complication.
"Oh, and here's the popular [cop-out] everyone likes to use..."let's agree to disagree."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2022): Sometimes people grow distant because they were never a good match. Sometimes they grow so familiar to each-other, they become like roommates or siblings, rather than lovers. Sometimes we get caught-up in our dreams and careers, and they become our obsessions. Making money becomes all we live for, neglecting those who need us in the process. That's greed and selfishness.
People sometimes get pregnant with the intent to cure the failing marriage, or relationship, with parenthood. If you've never solved your outstanding relationship issues; a baby is just a temporary fix, or distraction; and even become a pending complication. A child is an innocent-bystander, just waiting for the relationship to come apart. Dissention and dysfunction is collateral damage to their development; and they may suffer in the fallout of your warfare. They become pawns in disagreements, and are sometimes treated like property to be fought-over in a custody battle.
A lot of people write to DC looking for some kind of magical one-size-fits-all solution; but the best solution to any problem in a relationship starts with communication. You need tact and diplomacy. We have to be open-minded and patient with each-other. If there is no communication within a relationship, there is no connection. We are taught from children to use our words. Express yourself clearly.
If someone absolutely refuses to listen, or cooperate in any way; that is an indication that they have given-up, and don't wish to find any solution. If you cannot penetrate their wall of obstinance; they want to end it. You may as well concede. If you've tried over and over, but continue to fail. Stop!
That doesn't mean talking will suddenly heal all that ails the relationship; but you've got to ask questions to get answers, and you have to explain your most complicated feelings in order to be fully understood.
Before you decide to call it quits, you should seek some marriage-counseling to open-up some dialogue; because I doubt you've approached your spouse to tell him what you've told us. Maybe you always try, and he refuses to listen. It's no time to be shy when you're in pain. It's unbelievable how people sit quietly stewing in their pain; but can only talk when they're provoked to angry. When you're exchanging words in anger, you're not necessarily informing the person of how they've hurt you; you want to use your words to lash out and hurt them back.
In anger, words become a weapon; and when that happens, people stop listening to each-other. Yet the ears of our subconscious-mind are always open; and all it will pickup on are those things that are said to be hurtful, abusive, and insulting. Thus, absolutely nothing has been resolved or accomplished. Instead, you'll form a truce; and everyone retreats to their corner of the ring. Beat-up and bloody. Resentful, and still hurt. We have to behave calmly like adults. We have to get to the point, and speak our truths; while we try to control the anger that throws us off-track, or off on a tangent. Let me tell you, this requires constant practice, refining, and development; and it is a self-improvement project that takes a lifetime to maintain in a relationship. Trust me, I ain't making this up! It helps when you've built a relationship on trust and compatibility. Otherwise, life is a challenge, or a complete failure.
You will lose all interest or attention when you're whiny, overly-emotional, dance around the point; and/or have a history of using tears, and being a victim, as a way to manipulate others. They'll see through it, and will block you out.
Some people are just stubborn and strong-willed. Always right, my-way or the highway! Oh, and here's the popular cope-out everyone likes to use..."let's agree to disagree." Yeah, that means you're at an impasse; and the problem sits over in a smelly steaming pile with all your other unresolved relationship issues. Decaying and stinking to high-heaven over time; until it explodes into WWIII!!! Spontaneous combustion results when toxic/combustible gases accumulate, become pressurized, and are exposed to heat or a spark. Just like when you sit on problems you never discuss and resolve.
We sometimes make a false-peace by sweeping things under the rug, and pretending it doesn't exist. Some people make an unrealistic pact to never argue. Doing this over time is how you build-up walls, you'll internalize, and become closed-off to each-other. Live a life in a world of passive-aggression. You'll just learn to tolerate his presence; while he just learns to tolerate yours. Pretending to have a perfect relationship (for the sake of appearances); because you never fuss or fight...nor do you ever talk to each-other about your problems. You'll forget or ignore each-other's needs and desires. Your relationship stagnates, and you get bored having each-other. This state of complacency kills your passion, and your intimacy grows cold. This is when people are apt to cheat on each-other.
God forbid, it could also mean an undiscovered affair is in progress, and you're in denial of all the evidence; or, you've got a clever spouse. Able to cover his tracks with great expertise. You have to ask the question, if he is in an affair? It is a legitimate question, which deserves an answer. How else do you explain all you've mentioned in your post???
If you don't know how to communicate your feelings without becoming emotional and losing-it; marriage-counseling will provide a referee, and intermediary, that can allow you both to speak your feelings to each-other. If it doesn't really save the marriage, it gets things off your chest; that might bring you closure before you make a final-decision. If your partner absolutely refuses to seek counseling; and claims things are fine, while you know they aren't. The decision to remain in a stagnant marriage becomes your choice to make alone.
If you've tried and failed with counseling, maybe divorce is the only option. Beating a dead horse yields no results. It's still dead, and you're wasting your precious time and energy.
You can't make people love you, if they don't. You can't change people. You can't create in a relationship what was never really there to start with. You don't marry someone you haven't emotionally connected to, fully trust, and was completely on the same-page about marriage; when you both agreed to tie the knot. If coercion or emotional/psychological blackmail is used to keep someone in a relationship, through all sorts of tricks, traps, and manipulations; an unhappy marriage, or relationship, is what you have reaped and sown.
Give it all you've got to save it, but if he's not on-board, and working in collaboration; then you will have to make a life-changing decision you know is best for you and your child. You deserve everything you've listed, but you're not getting in your marriage. It's what marriage is for.
God bless you, and may He show you the way to find your peace, and to save your marriage. If it can't be saved, may He watch over you and your child; and provide all that you need.
...............................
|
