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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi all, I could really use some help and opinions on my situation. My boyfriend who I've been with for about 4 months now is still friends with his ex-girlfriend who he was with for about 2 years. They broke up about a year ago.She cheated on him and eventually left him for one of the guys she cheated with. The whole last 3 or 4 months or so of their relationship was horrible and she continued to lie and hurt him etc. (this is what he told me)I may have come at him wrong which I really didn't mean to, I sat him down and told him I really just wanted to talk and clear some things up about the whole ex situation. He got upset and said I didn't trust him and I shouldn't be upset about it. He said he's still really upset with his ex for hurting him and that he doesn't care about her or trust her etc.I guess I'm just sad about how the whole thing went down because I didn't mean to make him upset. And even though he now knows it upsets me, I think he still continues to talk to his ex, he says he's not just going to ignore her.I mean she has moved on a while ago with the guy she's with, is it that he's still not ready to move on from her?Is it normal for him to be friends with someone who hurt him like that? I've only been in 2 relationships in my life including the one I'm in now, so I don't really have much experience with certain things.My boyfriend was in a very serious relationship for 3 years with a girl who cheated on him and eventually left him for one of the guys she cheated with (his ex and the guy are still together now) There are some things I find weird about the whole situation like he's friends with the guy she's dating and cheated with, he's still friends and talks regularly with mutual friends of theirs.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 I personally don't think it's a good idea to be FRIENDS with an ex. but define FRIENDS.... do they text and talk on the phone regularly? Do they get together and do things together? If so yes that's friends.
If he's polite to her when he sees her while with mutual friends and he does not badmouth her but does not attempt to have social interaction with her otherwise, (responding to texts is probably in this area while Initiating texts would be friends) then he's CIVIL and FRIENDLY (but not friends)
Civil yes.
Friendly yes (this means when you see each other at events you can sit and talk and appear to get along it does not mean FRIENDS)
The only time a person NEEDS to have a relationship with an ex is if they have children together. then you need to get along and have regular contact while the kids are little.
FRIENDS: NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME.
I don't find his behavior acceptable in my world and I would tell him so.
I would NOT make him choose. That never works.
Rather you need to take care of yourself and do what's best for you. IF they are FRIENDS (not FRIENDLY but full blown friends):
My advice is to tell him "Bobby I know you and Sally are still friends and that's YOUR CHOICE and I respect that. However, I cannot continue to have a romantic relationship with you as long as you and her are still friends. And since that's what I want with you, it will be too painful for me to have ANY contact with you so I'm sorry we have to end this relationship and part ways."
but do not tell him to end it with her to keep you.
let him figure that out on his own.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 October 2013):
 To me, at least, if a person continue to talk to a person whom they don't HAVE to talk to and who hurt them a lot, they are not over the hurt and that person.
I can see no other reason to stay friends with a ex who betrayed you. None. Nor with the person (who was a friend too?) whom she cheated on him with.
With that said though, I DO NOT believe that anyone should try and dictate whom their partner can talk to. If you trust him, you ought to trust him enough to be able to talk to people (of any gender) without crossing lines.
Instead of asking about the relationship I would ask him WHY he still feel a need to talk to her and the dude. Seems like they run in the same circle of friends so that could be one reason. Maybe either of them wanted to give up their mutual friends.
Now if you can't handle that he has a past and he still talk to that past, then maybe he isn't for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): It's illogical to say the least.There are always exceptions in every situation. I've been around for a while, and unless there are children involved; there isn't much reason for two exes to be getting along like nothing ever happened to break them up. Especially, when one supposedly hurt the other. Unless he's a glutton for punishment, I can't see much reason it's so important to keep her in his life.It's tough enough dealing with the usual unforeseen obstacles that present themselves. Why make your current love-interest uneasy about a illogical relationship going on in the background with an ex? If your actions contradict your words, you're insulting their intelligence. You're adding stress to your relationship.What further complicates the matter is why he should get angry; if you are insecure about the meaning of it? It makes it even worse; when it consumes as much of his emotion as your active and immediate relationship. If he's being a good boyfriend; he'd have little time to spare on a woman who already has a man.Your needs and concerns come first.Exes transformed into friends, is usually a cover for something else. That most often being unresolved issues between a couple who broke up. An ex is an unnecessary distraction, and a wedge between a new couple. In your case, the sword cuts both ways.Why should he be upset with you? You should be upset with him.You have no right to tell your boyfriend what to do. You do have a right to walk away when you've had enough of trying to make sense of it. He's trying too hard to let the other guy know he's still around and an active part of her life. His ego hasn't allowed him to just move on; and face the fact she left him for another man. It doesn't help that he happens to know the guy. Some guys obsess over that. They can't live with the thought of their ex being intimate with other people they know.The point is, to show she still has some feelings for him;and the other guy shouldn't feel too secure being with her.Her rejection scarred your boyfriend. Keeping a friendship makes it more tolerable.He's keeping his shadow ever present over their ongoing relationship. Forgetting it's affecting his own. That's where the blade cuts on the other side.
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