A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:MOD NOTE Two questions from same asker combined.Q: 1Can someone say that they have grown and matured after they have cheated on someone, if they plan to never tell their partner they cheated on them? Can someone actually feel that they will never "do it again" and have grown from the experience and the guilt, if they are capable of lying to their partner every day and never confess what they have done or confess that they have betrayed their partner? Doesn't lying lack maturity, and isn't lying (big lies) a true sign of lack of respect toward the person being lied to and a way of controling that person?Q: 2Is it selfish, cruel, and disrespectful to accept a marriage proposal when your boyfriend doesn't know that you have cheated on him once in the past? Is it best to tell and be honest, even if the relationship is now in a great place and we are both ready to be married to one another? The cheating is in the past, but I do feel that it is "our" past, and it's a piece that he doesn't know about. Is it fair to him to marry him, when I am keeping a part of our history a secret? Will this in some way affect our relationship in the future? I am now OK with it, and accept that it was a mistake and have done a lot of work for myself to understand why I did what I did, and have no desire whatsoever to EVER do it again. I have grown closer and more in love to my boyfriend, and I don't want a secret to affect us badly in the future. I'm not worried about my guilt, but obviously cannot foresee how this could affect us in marriage. Want to hear from married folks, what they think, and if keeping a secret is EVER a good idea...a secret of this magnitude. I don't want to be selfish anymore in my relationship and I want to do what is best by my boyfriend....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): Can someone say that they have grown and matured after they have cheated on someone, if they plan to never tell their partner they cheated on them? YES.Can someone actually feel that they will never "do it again" and have grown from the experience and the guilt, if they are capable of lying to their partner every day and never confess what they have done or confess that they have betrayed their partner? YESDoesn't lying lack maturity, and isn't lying (big lies) a true sign of lack of respect toward the person being lied to and a way of controling that person? YESIs it selfish, cruel, and disrespectful to accept a marriage proposal when your boyfriend doesn't know that you have cheated on him once in the past? YESIs it best to tell and be honest, even if the relationship is now in a great place and we are both ready to be married to one another? YESThe cheating is in the past, but I do feel that it is "our" past, and it's a piece that he doesn't know about. REALLY, HE IS THE ONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON? WHO ARE YOU TO MAKE THAT DECISION FOR HIM. Is it fair to him to marry him, when I am keeping a part of our history a secret? NOWill this in some way affect our relationship in the future? YES, IT WILL ALWAYS AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS YOU WILL HAVE TO LIE TO HIM CONTINUALLY OR EPISODICALLY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES TOGETHER.I am now OK with it, and accept that it was a mistake and have done a lot of work for myself to understand why I did what I did, and have no desire whatsoever to EVER do it again. SO, ARE YOU READY TO ALLOW YOUR BOYFRIEND THE RESPECT OF MAKING HIS OWN DECISIONS ON THIS?I have grown closer and more in love to my boyfriend, and I don't want a secret to affect us badly in the future. IT WILL AFFECT YOU, SOONER, LATER, IT ALREADY AFFECTS YOU, AND HIM AS WELL AS THERE IS A REDUCTION IN THE LEVEL OF INTIMACY ALREADY.I'm not worried about my guilt, but obviously cannot foresee how this could affect us in marriage. REALLY? YOUR GUILT CAN EAT YOU ALIVE. YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT IT. IF YOU DON'T FEEL ANY GUILT THEN THAT IS ANOTHER MATTER AND YOUR BOYFRIEND IS IN FOR A LOT MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU KNOW.Want to hear from married folks, what they think, and if keeping a secret is EVER a good idea...a secret of this magnitude. I don't want to be selfish anymore in my relationship and I want to do what is best by my boyfriend....Here is a real life example. My wife had an affair, it happened during a time of emotional crisis and was related to many issues that I was unaware of and that had been hidden from me our entire marriage, I suspected at the time, but only suspected near the end when she was trying to end it without me finding out. He went away, and didn't contact her any longer. To cover this up she had to do a lot of lying. She swore to herself that she would never, ever, ever, tell me or let me find out, even if she had to leave to keep it covered. It caused her immense mental anguish over time as friends and family members had affairs and divorces and marital issues that we "never had" or "never had done that". Except, it was all lies to cover earlier lies, to cover earlier lies. Every single time she lied to cover it up it ate at her. She went to counselors and lied to them because of fear, she lied to friends, she lied to family, she had to lie to everyone to keep this down. She knew she could not be forgiven, knew that I would leave, knew that I'd take the children, knew I'd do "whatever". Because of this, and the lying, she couldn't get the support she needed from me about other issues, couldn't deal with the underlying issues in her life (from before me) that she needed to deal with, and couldn't explain why she would go through "moods" around certain times and issues and events. After well over 10 years of marriage, I was thinking about leaving her because of marital problems. I spent months pushing her to talk, as a last ditch effort, and finally she talked. Our marriage improved immediately. Yes, I could have left, I could still leave, but that is the way it always is. At least now I would be making my own decision based off the truth, rather than making my own decision based off bad and false information.Yes, he may leave you, but better now than later, better now than with kids to deal with.Remember, this is not a true secret, and you are not the only person who can blow the secret, who do you want him to find it out from? That was a real fear for my wife, and a real fear from you if you are thinking clearly.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Q1) It is disrespectful. You have not matured out of anything you feel the need to hide. If anything, by refusing to disclose the information, you are showing that you wish to avoid any possible consequences for your past behavior. It's childish and wrong.
Q2) It is extremely disrespectful. It's basically fraud. The guy is offering to be your lover, protector, provider, and companion all through life until you die. He deserves to know exactly what he's signing on for. Again, failing to own up to something is childish - people lie that theyb don't want to ruin something special, or hurt their partner - well, if they believed that, they would not have cheated. Cheating takes a few minutes, at least, so there's time to realize what's going on. People keep it secret solely to avoid the consequences, because they care more about themselves than their partners.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): 1) cant you see how worried cheating has made you. if you tell the truth then you no longer have anything to worry about and if your partner truly loves you then they will understand.
2) Its not wrong aslong as your never cheat again but i would advise you to find the courage to tell the truth
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A
female
reader, j44 +, writes (25 October 2010):
No lying is never good bc it hurts everyone involved, esp u right now bc it sounds like its eating at you. The honest truth is if u go into the marriage in a lie its just going to carry on. For your own piece of mind i'd tell him but you also have to be ready for the response he is going to give; he could leave but its better to do it now before u have a legal document binding you. You not telling him is being selfish. He deserves to know and he deserves to do what he feels but atleast you told the truth and believe me after you go through whatever consequence you will start to be more honest and avoid the situations in the future. Rip it like a bandaid. Im sorry i know its tough. Its hard either way it goes but just take the lessons learned from it and count your gains as with anything in life.
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