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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hello agony aunts. I'm in my first serious relationship with a man. I've only dated a few guys before but it wasn't that serious and more like short term relationships. Since I'm taking things serious with this man and planning to get engaged, whenever we have a heated argument or when we discuss things we disagree on, I would ask my mom about her opinion, tell her what she thinks I should do. I know some people would think that it's childish to do that, but sometimes I feel that I should open up after a very stressful argument with my boyfriend. After I ask my mom for an advice and act on it, my boyfriend would be very angry and start telling me that I'm immature for telling my mom about our arguments because that can make my mom have a negative impression of him, but I'm honestly that type of person who can't keep something inside and I have to talk about it to someone I trust just to let everything out. Is my boyfriend right about me not having to tell my mom about our arguments and fights? Although my mom taught me from a young age that whenever I feel stressed in a relationship, I should tell her about it so a man wouldn't take and advantage of my vulnerability. Is it wrong to ask my mom for an advice on how I should react?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2019): Why would you tell your boyfriend that you've discussed your fights and arguments with your mother??? Now stop and think on that question for a few...then read on.
You can seek any source of advice you like; but you also have to be careful what intimate matters you air to others. Seeking motherly-advice is fine; but consider what details of your private-life you are disclosing to her. Meanwhile, she is forming biased or negative-opinions of her potential son-in-law; which may be so negative, they will never change! She's hearing one-sided stories; and you want her to be on your side, even when you are dead-wrong! She will not blame you, because she loves you; but she doesn't really know him. She may even block the truth in-denial in your favor! She learns about him through you! If all you tell her about him are the bad-things, what's a mother to think?
You have to use your own commonsense and discretion. Try harder to be an adult, and solve your own problems. If things are so bad you have to keep running home to mama, then when will you figure it out?
You can't envision the serious probability of marriage; when you're too immature to handle your own relationship, without running to tell mama. She is a good resource for support and homespun-advice; but then going back to tell your boyfriend what she told you? Girlfriend, seriously?!!!
I will not discourage you from consulting with, and seeking comfort from your mother. If you have a close-relationship; I encourage that to continue. Just be selective in what you discuss with friends and family. Don't disclose all the details, or always portray him in a bad light. If he's really a terrible boyfriend, why are you still with him?
If you're trying to figure-out how to whip, remake, and mold him into something he's not; no amount of advice from your mother or DC, and anything short of an act of God can do that, sweetheart!
You and your mate have to maintain your privacy, and trust each other. If things rise to the level of violence or abuse; then others should be told, with the full-intention to remove yourself from that situation. Don't alarm everybody, and stay with an abuser like a fool! Love is pointless and wasted on people who will hit you and verbally-abuse you!
I know some things are far beyond your experience; which should tell you that marriage should be something you postpone for a few years. Until you have confidence in your own strength, ability to make decisions, and the experience to handle complicated matters pertaining to your relationship.
Some things you'll learn as you go. Becoming self-reliant, independent, and exercising your rights, as well as standing-up for your values; these are all skills and qualities you must develop to show maturity, and exhibit true wisdom. You don't become a wife or mother before you have them! You can't substitute your mother's mind for your own. Time to grow-up!
If you have frequent and intense arguments with your boyfriend; so strong that they move you to run for help. That's a sign of incompatibility, and a bad-match!!! If he gets so furious that he scares you, that's a red-flag! If you have to tell your mother; because he is so inflexible, and refuses to ever compromise. Then you have the wrong-guy for a boyfriend! Mama can't fix that! It's not her job to correct your mistakes and bad-choices!
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (23 November 2019):
 When in a relationship, it's always smart to be careful who you vent to. I often advise people to choose one person to vent to. Preferably not a parent... Because... A parent never forgets how their child was treated. For instance, even if things were to all of a sudden be peachy between you and him, mom would still give him the side eye for having said/done certain things to her daughter even long after you've chosen to forget those wrongs. Understand? This is not to say that you shouldn't talk these things over with someone because you definitely should. Being selective in this type of a situation is tricky though because that person whom you can confide in and trust just so happens to be the person that birthed you so I don't know it's a tricky situation that you're in. I wouldn't say that you're being immature by leaning on your mom because that isn't the case. Perhaps you DO overshare in certain situations but its unfair for him to label you as immature. You should always pick one person that you trust to talk to about these situations. Only one. Preferably someone open minded and willing to forgive whenever you are without bringing things up from the past should you want to move forward after an occurrence. Should that person be your mother? In normal circumstances I'd say no. However, knowing the type of relationship that the two of you have, I don't know who else you'd feel as comfortable taking this sort of stuff to but bear in mind that you probably are changing your mother's view of who he is to a very negative one. That is, what happens most of the time unfortunately. Whether we want that to be the case or not.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (23 November 2019):
 OP asks, "Is my boyfriend right about me not having to tell my mom about our arguments and fights?"
my answer is Yes and no. In a relationship of equals, where you are not worried about a more powerful partner taking advantage of you, Then you would resolve arguments together without involving family, friends, and your 'support team'. You would not need a support team, because your partner would be your team. In THAT relationship you should not go to your mother at every argument or disagreement. That would be a relationship that was ready to think about engagement and marriage.
In a relationship full of fear, and lacking trust, where you are often unsure, and afraid of being taken advantage of, then you should go to your mother, your friends, your lawyer, your support team to help you in these difficulties. This would not be a relationship that is moving towards engagement and long term commitment.
Some additional advice: if your Boyfriend is smart he is using this to evaluate if you are ready for full partnership. Your response could guide his decisions on that. On the other hand you should act in the way that is appropriate to your confidence. if you don't feel equal and if you do feel afraid, then you should continue to lean on your mothers advice. If he does not accept that it doesn't mean he rejects you it means either:
-he is trying to take advantage of a low power partner. or
-he is ready for full partnership and unwilling to wait for you to be ready.
This is something you need to carefully evaluate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2019):
 I think, honestly, it's pretty normal for young people to ASK a person they know (like your mom) to listen and give advice. I don't think that makes you immature. I'm 50 and if my mom were still alive, I'd probably STILL run things by her too.
But I can also see his point of view, because she WILL look at him in a more negative view if she hears negative things about him.
I think it's all up to you whom you feel you can TRUST to give you good advice or input. Not him. It doesn't mean your mom will always be "right" but she can give you some food for thought from a perspective of someone with more life-experience than you.
I think you two can STILL work on better communication and problem solving as well.
Lastly, I wouldn't tell him you talked it over with your mom. And ask your mom to keep it between the two of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2019): I think it's fine to talk to your Mom. I mean you need to talk to someone. You shouldn't have to bottle things up just so your bf's ego is unbruised. But maybe just stop telling him you told your mom. He doesn't need to know that.
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