A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with someone 3 years older than me for 2 and a half years and he is great, we both share the same sense of humour and he is my best friend. We live together but recently my mind has been in such a muddle and I really need your opinion.I've been working in my office for almost 2 years and I get along really well with everyone, particularly one slightly older guy. I recently had an intimate dream about him which made me feel uncomfortable and changed my perspective on things. I know he kind of likes me but I don't think I'd be interested in being with him, but I am slightly attracted to him physically. I feel like I need to talk to my boyfriend because I feel like something is missing as far as we are concerned. Even though we live together he never really is bothered about spending time with me any more and never communicates with me unless I am home. I miss someone wanting to spend time with me and asking how my day has been. I know it's not that bad because my boyfriend is not a cheater or anything and he occasionally spoils me but I feel like something has made the problem get a bit more serious, mainly because it made me feel lonely and I think that maybe I'm noticing the attention elsewhere because of this.I have never cheated before and I am confident that I wouldn't actually go anywhere near this guy unless I was single. I told him on a drunk night out about the dream and I have to spend about 75% of my working day with him so I'm not overly worried about it being awkward, but is being attracted to other people fairly normal in an Long Term Relationship? I don't know if I should talk to my boyfriend about what's missing in our relationship or just try and keep improving it on my own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): Yours is an excellent question. It will give me a chance to share the benefit of my experience; and help you and other readers.
You're very young, and have been in a serious relationship with the same guy for some time now. You do (and will) get pretty used to each other. Normal-relationships have peaks, valleys, and plateaus. There are ups and downs; and unexpected complications that challenge your romantic-connection, and commitment to each other. One or the other of you; will slack-off, and become less attentive to the needs of your partner. Happens to ALL couples; whether they admit it or not. No matter how happy you are. I know, because I've been there and done that.
Staying faithful and monogamous is the hardest and most challenging of anything you face within a long-term relationship. Temptation comes your way constantly. You will be tempted and attracted by other people. That's normal. Commitment means you've mutually made an emotional-contract, to stay true to each other; and to give-up or forsake other people. That you will keep sex and intimacy, strictly between you and your mate. It doesn't mean you go numb, blind, and asexual toward everybody outside the relationship.
Refraining from venturing outside the relationship; is to honor your partner's feelings, and maintain your bond of trust. Being loyal and faithful to your mate, gives your love meaning. It does get hard to do sometimes. You don't live isolated in your own little bubble. You still live in a world outside your relationship. That world is populated with handsome, sexy, and attractive-people. You're still human, and you have feelings and urges.
Your young-mind requires stimulation and activity to keep you keen, happy, and entertained. Living like a couple of married-people can feel complacent, domesticated, and maybe a little boring. When we have everyday access to a person's presence or company; it isn't the same as when you live apart. Then you can look forward to your quality-time together; after living separate-lives. Right now, all you have to do is rollover; and he's snoring in your face.
You're missing that exciting feeling of anticipation you both felt after missing each other for a spell. You are also very young, and you get antsy when you're held-down too long. It's not a bad thing. It's how we're all wired in our youth; and it takes maturity and experience for such feelings to taper-off. You slow-down. That's the period most people settle-down. "After sowing some wild oats!" Enjoying a series of romances and dating the opposite-sex, or same-sex; depending on your sexual-orientation.
In your early teens, part of your emotional and psychological-development comes from interaction with a wide-variety of people, of both genders. Going through puberty, you are establishing a sexual-identity. Shortly after puberty, you became somebody's steady girlfriend. So you bypassed that period just after puberty; where you date and get to mingle with different guys, and introduce yourself to various male personality-types.
All you know is one guy in particular. Before that, you were too young to care one way or the other. You were just a kid. "Personalities" were not that distinguishable. You were either a girl or a boy. You just made friends, and had crushes that changed by the hour.
So now you're picking up on the novelty of knowing someone different in many ways from your boyfriend. Things about him, you probably haven't noticed about guys before. You've been with the same older-boy you've known since your adolescence began. In all honesty, you missed the trial-relationship stage of your adolescence. Having short-relationships that normally lasts a few weeks or months; just to learn and practice having, or establishing, longer and more meaningful relationships.
Learning to adapt to varying personality-types, ethnic-groups, and human-quirks. Necessary in forming your own criteria; and deciding what attributes you feel most comfortable with. Setting your own standards of what you consider your preferred match. Now someone different comes along, and he fascinates you. His age, his demeanor, and how he looks. He stirs-up your young hormones with his pheromones. Stay focused and professional. We're talking about where you work!
I was in a relationship for nearly 30 years. My partner passed away with cancer. From the time we first made a commitment to the time of his passing; the challenge of staying true and faithful always popped-up. Your love will create a barrier you dare not cross. Trust of your partner is highly valued; and your strong sense of self-respect gives you the self-control necessary to maintain your partner's trust. You may fail. It all depends.
Warning: There will be times of extreme-weakness and vulnerability. You will reach the brink. That is your cross-roads. Being so young, it would be more of a challenge for you, than for me. In all honesty, you should have allowed yourself to see more guys and dated more; before becoming a "wifey."
Definition of the American slang-term wifey: The often stay-at-home, domesticated girlfriend; who never took any vows, has no marital-rights, no paper-contract; but lives with one guy like she has. Most times under the hopes he'll marry her someday. Often times he doesn't.
I don't think it was a good idea; nor appropriate to share your sex-dream with your co-worker. Regardless of his reaction to it. He kept cool about it; because of your age and inexperience. You opened a door, either intentionally or subconsciously; to see if he'd walk through. Hopefully, he won't. The wrong-guy would see it as a blatant pass, or an invitation. You didn't at all mean it that way! Did you?
If you feel your relationship has lost it's spark. Talk to your boyfriend about it. If it doesn't seem to make any difference to him; then do what is best for you. Even if that should come to ending it. Not in order to pursue the guy at work; but because your LTR may have run its course. A good talk might be all you need to find out what he needs, and let him know what you want from him to meet yours. It goes both ways. If you miss something you need from him, you have to let him know. He can't read your mind.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you; just because you have to remind him sometimes.
Loved the topic and your question! Hope I've helped you and others!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): Being married/ in a relationship doesn't make you blind to the attractiveness of other people.
So,yes, being attracted to others is normal.
However,I'm a bit concerned that you immediately jumped to defend yourself when no one has accused you of anything("I'd never cheat etc. etc.") + your line of thought disturbs me (i.e."I'm sure that if everything was ok in my relationship,I'd not be attracted to other people").
Believe it or not, that's an excuse that I heard, word for word, from somebody who cheated on me ("If everything was good in our relationship,I wouldn't have been attracted to her and wouldn't have cheated.")
Mmmm,no. If something is wrong/you think is wrong-you end it with that person.
You don't find ways to rationalise it to yourself to make yourself feel better.
I'm not saying that you are there yet, but really after reading this,I'd say you're on a dangerous path. Really,so many of your thoughts, the way you phrased things, I've heard before...
Look, the thing is- you can try and improve/work on things or you can try and do a bit of rummaging in your head and see if you are still in love with your bf? It's ok- we fall in and out of love with people.
Even if there is no reason,even if you've simply fallen out of love-that's ok. But do let him know and see if it is fixable or not.
Then if it's not-feel free to do whatever you like. End things and start anew, IF you feel inclined to do that.
My only recommendation, if you decide to do so- don't do it with that guy from work. Imagine if things go sour and you still have to spend 75% of your time with him?? How would that make you feel?
Honestly, why people have so many office romances/dalliances is completely incomprehensible to me. I mean you're kinda forced to spend your day with those people. You didn't choose them. Your employer did.
You just happen to be confined with them for a far bigger part of your day, than you spend with your friends/loved ones. And they never see the non-polished version of you, the tired and exhausted one.
They only get to see the face you show them-cheery, helpful and all smiley. But even that is a façade.
Think of how many times you have had to be helpful and nice at work, even though you maybe wanted to scream inside? So none of your co-workers even get to see or know the real you. They only see the "work" you.
Same with that guy at work. So you want hanky panky with someone else?
Great, if that really is the case: break it off with the bf and do the dirty with someone who isn't a colleague.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 That's what happens a lot when people live together and they stop making the effort. Maybe you can suggest that you both take turns thinking of something to do because you miss quality time with him.
When you love someone you won't think about being with another person, but we still find people attractive. You don't have to tell your boyfriend about the coworker and the dream. Just kindly express how you feel and nudge him about keeping the passion alive. He may not have a clue what you need or what he has to do. Men look at relationship stages as finite and some don't understand that courtship is a long term thing. It doesn't stop when you live together. Men may be naturally inclined to court new women each time and have no incentive to do it with the ones they have. Let him know that the incentive is love, and your happiness.
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