A
female
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anonymous
writes:Is it appropiate for a guy who has a girlfriend to tell other girls he thinks they are cute and so on?It really hurts my feelings when my bf does this. I know it doesnt mean he is necessarily cheating on me, and in fact i dont think he is at all, but it still hurts because I see that as a sign of affection that it should be saved for 'special people', such as your gf. Sometimes I feel like im not that special to my bf because he treats most other girls like he does me. He says they are cute and compliments them alot, he hugs them and kisses them on the cheek, he talks to them late at night for hours on end, he tells them all his deepest thoughts and they tell him their's. It makes me think, well if hes doing all those things with those girls, how am i any different? Only real difference is that i get the 'title' of gf and he kisses me on the lips.To add to all of this, these girls seem like they really like him!!! And part of me cant help but feel he is enjoying all the attention he gets from these girls, as it boosts his ego, at the expense of my feelings. I havent told him how i feel about all this because I dont think he would understand or agree. These girls come to him and tell them about all their problems, even problems with their bf's- so they talk to him when they are sooo vunerable, and i know of a few times where they have gotten VERY close to him, and started to touch his leg and so on. It didnt go any further, but still, that hurts. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with this. I honestly feel like I am about to break down. I am crying so much lately and I am having trouble breathing, sometimes my vision goes blurry and I feel like I'm about to faint and I start shaking badly. This all happens when I start thinking about all of this which has been happening. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe my bf is feeling guilty for his behaviour. Because just then I sent a message to him saying "let me know when your not busy because i need to ask you about something" and he replied saying "what did i do? is everything ok between us?".
I wasnt even planning on talking to him about his flirting then though, it was about something else- something not even serious.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and I somehow forgot to mention, my bf talks about his ex a fair bit. More then any other guy ive dated, so I think its weird. Before me and my bf were dating, he would talk about her alot too, and he even said that if it wasnt for her moving far away they would probably see together. He said they are still REALLY GOOD friends and talk alot about everything. On a few occasions hes told me how perfect their relationship was because of this and that reason etc...
But he hasnt mentioned her in a whole 4 days I think...
Thanks for all the great advice! Each of you have helped me so much. I honetly thought i would get told to get over it and accept it because its ok as long as he doeesnt cheat- thats what alot of people tell me.
I am starting to feel that hes really just a insecure person, who feels he needs his ego boosted by all these different girls, and the way he does that is by flirting with them, so they flirt back.
I dont think i want to be with someone like that. I mean sure i think i can be very insecure at times, but i woudlnt go searching for security through someone other than my bf.
Having said all that, i will tell him how it makes me feel, see what his reaction is like, and depending on that, i may or may not stay with him. I think the last poster was right though, saying that it takes a LONG time for a flirt to change. Even if they promise to change...its part of who they are and if their flirting is the symptom of insecurity, its such a big issue that will make it even longer to deal with.
Oh and I thought about doing what some of you guys suggested- flirting with other guys etc, to see if he likes it or not. Well the thing is, i dont flirt with guys, but he does seem to get a bit jealous sometimes, over nothing. Like once i told him i was having a frined over to watch movies one night and he said 'i hope its not a guy friend is it?!' and i said no. But I bet you if it was, he would of been so hurt...but its ok for him to go out drinking with a bunch of girls. And he laps up all the attention from everyone while they think hes some casanova.
Im starting to just feel so hurt. Its like the reality is finally sinking in. For so long I thought he was the one for me, he seemed so right for me...and now im starting to realise that when he told me he had similar values and ideals about life, that they were just words coming from his mouth, they had no meaning. I thought he was different to all the other guys who fooled me...but i dont think he really is now.
Thanks once again for all the advice!
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reader, SDJ  +, writes (15 December 2008):
 Personally, I don't think it's appropriate, I wouldn't like my boyfriend saying that to other girls unless they were related. I think it sends the wrong message especially when he has a girlfriend.
I understand how you're feeling, I think I'd feel the same way if I was in your position. You could look on the brighter side of things though: at least you have him and they don't, he obviously likes you a lot more if he's with you babe. I don't mind my boyfriend hugging other girls when they greet each other because it's what I do with boys to say hello and what-not, but if he's kissing other girls on the cheek and calling them cute etc. it's not right. It's kind of like sex, it's supposed to be intimate and to show affection or how much you love someone, any normal person wouldn't have sex with someone else in front of you, your boyfriend I mean.
I had an ex boyfriend who used to do that, he used to talk to his ex girlfriend on the phone really intensely for hours, even when I had been sat next to him. I know it does hurt your feelings, it makes you wonder why they're talking to them about his problems and why he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about them. I used to wonder if they'd talk about me on the phone when I wasn't there. If you're feeling insecure about this then I think it's best to cut him loose and wait for someone to dedicate all his affection, intimacy and a lot of his time on you and not other girls as well.
These other girls will seem to really like him because he's been flirting with them whether he sees it that way or not. I think a lot of boys enjoy attention from girls, infact I think they all do so that isn't anything unusual. I don't think he's considering your feelings much, especially if he hasn't asked how you feel about this? Your relationship doesn't seem very stable. I would talk to him about this and tell him how you feel, if he cares about you and your relationship then he'll understand and agree to stop or at least cut it down to spare your feelings. If not, I wouldn't stay with him.
Im thinking if these other girls talk to him about their problems with their boyfriends then maybe they're just really good friends who confide in each other for advice, surely if they like each other that much they'd be together by now. As I said, talk to him and tell him how you feel.
Don't let this upset you because your letting him have the satisfaction of having yet another girl fighting for him. When you start thinking about this and it starts to worry you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, it should help calm you.
But again, talk to him about all of this and what you've posted on here, if you don't this will only get worse.
I hope this helps, sorry if it hasn't.
x
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (15 December 2008):
 He is obviously young and acting immature as he doesnt take your feelings in to account. Sounds like he likes the attention these girls are giving him. I wonder what he would be like if it were the boys acting that way with you. If you are meant to be together you will have to let him know you don't like it and he will have to behave. If he can't and he knows you are getting hurt by this then you must re think about the kind of guy you would like to be with who doesnt treat you this way. I'm not saying he shouldnt be allowed to have 'friends' of either sex. He sounds like he is enjoying flirting and getting attention of many girls, he must make up his mind where his committment really is and take care of your feelings. He may be putting on a big act to stir your jealousy up because he likes to play with your emotions.
When I was a bit younger I would beat them at their own game and do the same back to see how they liked it, but youre not me and I know it must be difficult for you. Hope this helps.
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