A
male
age
30-35,
*odyjs
writes:Hello, My name is Cody and this is my fist time on dearcupid. I'm a college student, English major, and I have been seeing another English major from my class. We seem to have a lot in common, we can talk openly, she is the kind of woman I go for. We both have little relationship experience, we both care about our families, we have similar interests like hiking and music, we're both liberal/left wing/democrat. There is one major concern, though. I am a strong atheist/skeptic and she is a spiritualist/part of a less mainstream religion that believes in God as a force. Is it a good idea for me to continue to pursue this relationship? For those who have been here before, will the doubts continue to linger?I have told her that i don't believe in god and that her faith is understandable (me justifying the core beliefs with logic, feels condescending) and it doesn't seem to be a big problem for her. However, when I'm not around her, I start to think that her faith is a problem for me. It is a pretty big part of her life, and certain parts of her life are guided by it. She avoids horror movies because they can affect the spirit negatively, same with drinking. Negativity of most kinds seems to be avoided, though she does play violent video games. Her not watching horror movies and not drinking is not the problem for me. The problem is that it feels like she isn't thinking for herself in those situations. I am open to my emotions, the whole spectrum of em. I feel that expressing anger is healthy. I enjoy listening/writing music with angry sentiments. There are so many things I like about her, but part of me is still hoping that she will change from her faith. I feel guilty for feeling that way, and I don't think of myself as the type to tell people how to live their lives.Any advice/empathetic anecdotes would be much appreciated.
View related questions:
atheist, video games, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (27 January 2013):
 She does sound a bit too religious, avoiding horror films and alcohol is quite extreme. If I was in your situation I would probably end up in lots of arguments with her over this as it can be frustrating when people believe in things that have no evidence. I suppose it depends how extreme she is? Does she agree with evolution? Is she homophobic? Dies she believe in no sex before marriage. If she's extreme then run away, if she just likes to go to church on Sunday then you can probably live with that.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 January 2013):
 How do you know that she's avoiding anger? Choosing a path that doesn't embrace anger or finds ways to tap into a more serene outlook on life isn't the same as avoiding it. Many people who don't believe in God choose a spiritual centrist philosophy that believes in finding and achieving inner peace.
You are a believer in logic and scientific method? Wouldn't logic dictate that different people adapt differently to their environments? She may not like negativity like some people don't care for flowery curtains. It simply might not be part of her personality.
The way you deal with things isn't the way other people do, and to assume they should is like taking off your prescription contacts and assuming that they should work on everyone since they're the right strength for you.
As a side note, I applaud your pragmatic view on spirituality. Every belief or non-belief or creed we own should be able to stand up to questioning, testing, criticism, and logic. It's amazing what people accept from birth or allow emotions to shape things that could lead us down a myopic path in life. Too many problems in this world are caused by zeal and blind idealism without study, logic, and patience. In fact, idealism is one of the traits people have used to manipulate masses for selfish gain or purposes.
Good luck with that English major...and that woman.
...............................
A
male
reader, codyjs +, writes (27 January 2013):
codyjs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should point out that I'm not angry with her religion. That isn't why I brought up anger. I brought it up because her religion seems to avoid anger and I don't think it should be avoided. I'm not angry that she avoids anger, I'm concerned that it's unhealthy to avoid anger. I'm not an angry person and I'm certainly not violent or argumentative. I'm not angry that she's religious. I was hoping that someone who has been in my position and shared similar concerns could tell me how things worked out for them. Can a healthy relationship come out of a situation like this.
As for why I'm an atheist. I believe in logic and the scientific method, testing and objective thought, reason and evidence. I only use the term atheist to mean "without a belief in god." I don't consider myself a part of a group, though I would easily fit into the category. Who can really say that they aren't under the effects of interpellation to one degree or another. I'm as affected as the next person.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2013):
Interesting. It's fine to be an atheist, and if she believes in God and accepts you as you are without judgment, what more could you want? But you feel yourself getting angry that she believes in God and you wish she'd turn her back on her religion as you have yours.
You're a strong Atheist? Why? What does it matter what anyone else believes? The only strong atheists I've met are those who were traumatized, hurt, or angered by religion and those closest revealing their human hypocrisy, so you need to separate your atheism from your feelings of anger. If you can't do that, you won't make peace being with someone who is religious, because the practice of their religion and their love and devotion to it will frustrate you to the point of trying to proselytize them as fervently as a Fundie passing out pamphlets at the State Capital while a barefoot guy with a guitar sings Jesus Loves the Little Children off-key.
I love a good debate as much as anyone, and I am also a skeptic of not only religious debate, but political debate. You'll find that politics, be it right-wing, left-wing deserve the same cutting skeptical glare of reality as anything else, which is why people advise against talking about both politics AND religion in the workforce.
If you can't be with her without hoping she'll change, then you are incompatible, and the frustration level will rise in either you or her, because you won't be able to stop yourself from subtle digs or the occasional heated religious argument.
Some people can do it though -- either in politics or religion, be fundamentally opposed, yet so tolerant and the discussions so fruitful that you two actually make yourselves better through the spirited debate. Trust me, she could make you a better atheist, and you could make her a more grounded believer, and the fusion would actually work if you separate your anger from your belief system.
...............................
|
