A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello I am really confused and I hope I can get some perspective from you. I've got back with my boyfriend 9months ago after a tumultuous 4 years before that on and off. SInce we got back we decided to get a place together. All good just that it seemed like I had more enthusiasm than him. That came through in our discussions about getting a place in planing looking around and in him delaying at the last moment viewings. And ... the fights the frustrations because of that... MAny times I asked him if he doens;t feel ready to jump in with me , to let me know. BUt no everything was cool on his side just that he needed to tidy up some loose ends with money etc. We agreed in october to talk seriously about moving in in JAnuary 2008. WHich came and went. BEcause when it came to discussing it, he said he needs until march to sort out his 'situation'. Fair enough. MArch comes and goes and during this month too we have had lots of fights with me feeling driven to exhasperation at his lack of doing anything constructive and productive regarding moving in. It has been straining.Nevertheless, eventually, at the end of march, we came up with an agreement on paper, a plan with our strategy, money we put in, etc. Luckily (or not..), we've managed to find the perfect renting place at the perfect price ( with a bit of haggering) in our favourite area, close to work, close to where he lives big spacious place, nice area, very, very exciting. As i am working during the day he has been good enough to go to see the place for me, talk to the agents, suggest a lower price. He has also been kind enough to go on his own during my work hours to see other places so we candraw a value comparison. This has susprised me very pleasantly as usually i do all the runnng around. Yesterday it was the big day: we went in to put down the deposit and get a lower price. I am not good at negociating so i was very nervous. And 20mins late, as i couldnt leave work earlier. Our way to the agent has been hell. To cut it short, he accused me of me cheating on him, of many things that shocked me and caught me unawares given that it wasnt the time and place to get into a fight about past etc, we were meant to see the agents in 15mins. I got very very upset and so angry with him as i felt he wanted to pull out to not come to the agent, and to find an excuse as he usually does that i am not being reasonable. We went in put down the deposit got a good price. Went out, on our way home he dumped me for good. He accused me of a lot of horrible things that shocked me and caught me unawares and toldme he is f_d up etc and he needs time alone. I am in so much shock and so angry, as he tried to make it sound that he has broken up with me because of how unreasonable i have been yesterday and in the past. We spent 5 hours going arund in circles last night. He dumped me said I caused all the trouble, and as a concequence he'll deal with his suffering by having some drugs tonihgt. I was and still am in shock. I think it is that he never really had his heart in moving in with me and chickened out at thelast moment. I am so distraught and shocked and angry. How can I deal with this? Does anyone there honestly believe that because of a fight this great opportunity of getitng a good place together got lost? Or are you more towards ( like my best friend thinks) that he messed me about since we got together and was never really up to jump in with me and he is using excuses because he can't cut the mustard? ANy feedback is so appreciated. Thanks for readign all this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello thought I'd give an update.. my vision for living in this place has been a hell tenancy. Reason for that being not the life together ( which is almost nonexistent, because we work almost opposed shifts), but his vagueness and unwillingess to be honest about stuff in his life and his real plans. he has been stringing me along and realises that i will be staying there with him and many many times threatened to dump me. it has been a very distructive relationship in which he feeds me 'crumbs of loving' ( like macy gray sings), everytime he sees i wanna pull out. advice... if you see a guy behaves weirdly.. run as fast as you can.. unless he really proves himself threefold and bends backwards for you zillions of times.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh. the drugs bit, he just chucked that in for drama purposes. I so want that flat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday he's been apologising hardcore. He admits to all he's done last night and played the 'I'm so horrible poor me' game. He called and begged and asked again for me to fax those references. He suggested he pays in cash all the months in advance rent and other moving in expenses. I beieve that as he's always paid his way in the past even when we disagreed about things I've never had problems with him paying his share. I start to see he twisted me on his little finger last night because he knew he could and today his plan was to move in with me anyway. He's been apologetic and ashamed and says will do everything I ask him too because he hurt me so much blah blah.
This flat is such a good opportunity such a beautiful place great great location and the timing with these fights has made it so difficult for me to judge property. I think he's incapable of dealing with things being open and honest and I know I'm better off without him now although it will be hard at the beginning. He's had some troubles as a child and never dealt with them and I feel placed at the receiving end of this.
But the sweet temptation the vision i have had for that place to be ours is too much. I agreed to fax the references because today its the deadline and that flat is absolutely gorgeous, stupid old fool that I am. With some conditions: I am out of there as soon as i legally can ( after 6months) if things go even worse and he has to get some counselling (or show me proves that he is trying to) within the next 2months. I appreciate moving in is a big step and we are all human and express our anxiety in different ways.
Well this would be my learning curve then.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Oh Man..this guy is a f*cking whacko!!!! Seriuously, leave him PLEASE. He is crazy and he's a liar and he is a coward. And to use drugs, what a loser!! He can't deal with anything. You need to tell him "you know you're right. I am all of those things you said I was. And I think you can do better than me. Therefore I am going to let you move on with your life. Bye Bye". DON'T LOOK BACK!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): LEAVE HIM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh this is driving me mad. today he called me suggesting i quickly organise the references for the flat as today is the deadline for submitting htem. he didnt appologise for yesterday and talks down on me. what is going on? please help
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