A
female
age
51-59,
*rench fancy
writes:I am divorced and living in a foreign country. I have been seeing a man for a while who I love but he does not love me back. How long should I wait? should I force the issue?Some of my friends think that he using me. He stays with me and hardly ever contributes to food etc. He does sometimes help out with odd jobs but never helps with any household chores, doesn't clear away the table or pick up his laundry etc. I do wonder if he is with my while he is waiting to find someone else and because I make his life easier with all the things I do for him.He hardly shows me any affection, we never make love and hardly ever have and I ache to be kissed and loved sometimes.My head is telling me to find someone that will love me back and not leave me feeling so desperate that I don't know which way to turn but my heart wants him to suddenly realise that he loves me and give me all the attention I crave.I get very lonely and I do wonder whether I can't finish things with him because I can't face being alone again. and it's fair to say that it's not easy to find a partner when you live as an ethnic minority in a foreign country. If that is the case then perhaps I am no better than him
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, french fancy +, writes (25 June 2010):
french fancy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. To Lolal I will answer some of your questions. Yes I moved here with my husband and he decided to go back to our country of origin. I have stayed and I do have many friends and have tried to integrate by joining groups. I have just managed to find work and am working only amongst french people. I am trying to make a life for myself as an individual and perhaps it is for this reason that I am soul searching right now.You seem to have guessed that my self esteem is very low and this is due in part to things my ex said to me and now I find myself wondering how much of what I feel comes from the seed that was sown in me. My boyfriend has said that i am hyper sensitive because of the emotional scars that my divorce left me with and that there is nothing wrong with the way things are between us. But is this just his way of escaping blame??All your advice sounds so sensible and I hope I can find the strength to stand on my own and make myself a life and not feel the need to be part of a couple.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Many of us are afraid of being alone at some point, whether we are in a foreign country with few we feel we can relate to due to cultural/language barriers or not. Fortunately, many of us step off the platform of “being with a partner” (term used lightly) and find we are NOT actually alone just because we are single.
By allowing someone to mistreat us; make us feel small and unlovable, we do ourselves a great disservice. We are allowing them to disrespect us and we stand idly by hoping they will change, but they won’t. As other aunts have said, only we can change.
You’ve asked if he is using you, waiting until something better comes along. What I want to know is what are YOU waiting for? You have said you can’t rely on him and I submit to you that it is YOU that you haven’t been able to rely on; it is YOU letting yourself down; it is YOU standing in the way of your happiness. Allowing him to use you is just a symptom of something deeper.
Why are you still in this foreign country? Did you move there as a wife and then get divorced there? Have you thought of moving to where your friends and family are? Have you gotten involved in activities both in and outside of your cultural community? Do you pursue your hobbies or get involved in charity work? What attempts have you made to belong in your new country?
Life doesn’t come to us and “save us” from our own loneliness and misery… it is up to us to grab on to it, and reign it in to fit our needs and to carve a place for ourselves within it. Without doing so, we condemn ourselves to simple ‘existence’.
Start feeding your soul; start respecting and loving yourself. Be kind to yourself! Live the life you have always wanted… it’s out there – waiting for you. The world NEEDS you. Until you can love and respect yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to.
You have some self-exploring to do. Good luck and enjoy!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): If you're waiting for him to "realize he loves you," it's not going to happen. Especially since things are going really well and easy for him. And you're the one making it easy for him. I mean he doesn't have to do anything, he gets taken care of, gets fed, AND he doesn't have to fake any sort of committment or love for you. And all because you've been accepting and allowing it. As hard as it is, you need to kick him out. This is not going to end well, trust me. Just get him out of your life and stop all contact with him to make sure you don't waver or fall back in with him. And if you're worried about being alone, I bet you'll feel better alone with the HOPE you'll find someone much better for you than being with this guy and wanting something that will never ever happen... And think about it, all the while you are allowing this guy to use you, you're also letting him waste your time when you could be available for someone else....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): I was always wondering why being along worse than being w/someone who doesn't love you.
Being along is not that bad in a first place, you get to do what you want, spend time with who you want, go wherever you want. These days so many women are along and doing great. But to be with someone who you actually need to feed, and clean after, and never have sex???
Of-course he staying with you only because its convinient for him. Drop him.
...............................
|
