A
female
age
26-29,
*abrielle96
writes:I would like some advice please. I have been dating a guy since June. At first I found out he hadn’t been in a relationship for 6 years since his ex (first relationship) she cheated on him with his best friend... I then find out he is still in contact with them both mainly her on a regular basis. I found this very uncomfortable and told him I wasn’t happy about this so told him I would prefer it if they stopped talking... as I find it disrespectful etc. If it was only a rare occasion that would be fair enough but regularly like everyday or multiple times a day I found strange anyway. He didn’t really want to and I told my friend about it and told her I was thinking of ending things with him she told me he seems nice and I shouldn’t do that and give him a chance. Either way he tells me later on that time that he understands how I feel and he doesn’t understand why he kept in contact with her... But when he told her that he didn’t want to talk to her she got all mad and peaked off and he seemed upset that she was angry with him and he was really bothered about it all... So anyway I put that to one side and forget about that.. then we get together officially in August, it took him ages to ask me out which makes me feel like he isn’t over his ex or something or isn’t sure about me. I thought it was just me being anxious and went ahead and until recently I thought we was okay. Until I went on his snapchat with him messing around taking filter photos to find a saved chat of his ex in sexy lingerie from a year ago. They haven’t been together for 5 years at that point and she is in a relationship with his ex best friend... when he saw it on the screen he told me he didn’t know they were there, he said it was a mistake and that he is stupid and cried. Now I feel there is something going on especially if that’s happening. Am I being made an idiot out of ? He claims he loves me but I really don’t feel like it at the moment. Am I overreacting/overthinking ? What should I do ? One of my friends says give him the benefit of the doubt another of my friends is saying dump him. What do I do ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2020): I've been here at DC for a long time, and anyone who reads my posts knows how I feel about too much interaction with "exes" who compete for time and attention. Last thing I'd ever want to do is interfere with an ongoing-relationship between my current love-interest and somebody who's now their ex. Of course, I'd quietly observe their behavior and the frequency of their communications.
It's only fair. If it seems they're too cozy together; then I'll back-out and leave them alone.
In a new relationship, your mate is still under evaluation, and in a probationary-period. The jury is still out on whether the commitment is solid and durable enough to last. Never jump feet-first into anything with anybody; until you know for certain where you stand in relation to friends and lovers in their past. Their friends and exes must respect your presence and your relationship; and carefully observe the boundaries. You must be flexible, reasonable, and open-minded. Don't be selfish or possessive. You're an adult; so use discernment, logic, and good-judgement. Learn to trust only those who earn it; and do your very best to make their efforts worth it.
If an ex spends more time chatting and hanging-out with my mate than I do...I'm out! I'm not insecure, I am drama-intolerant! I don't pick your friends; but they don't get to pluck my nerves either! I like it in peaceville! If I see oncoming crap-traffic, I'll change course. In your case, you're standing in the middle of the street...it's coming at you, girlfriend!
People who share kids have no choice, but to deal with their exes; but the minute there is baby-mama or baby-daddy drama, that's my cue to exit. I do not play second-fiddle or third-wheel. I don't do threesomes, I don't compete with exes; and if you aren't over your ex...I am thoroughly over YOU!!!
Your girlfriend's flimsy-advice is an indication she must have a penchant for drama; to advise her best-friend to give a guy a chance, who can't let-go of the woman who cheated on him! With his best-friend!!! Who would want to keep in-touch with somebody like that? Why?
Maybe he's waiting for them to break-up; and hopes they'll be together again someday? I truly believe in forgiveness and moving-on. That means moving in opposite-directions; and I'll always be cordial when our paths cross. His backstabbing-bff and cheating-gf are both still together? Is this guy a glutton for punishment, or what???
If he can't figure-out how to tone-down the contact between him and his ex; then it's left up to you to decide if it is worth driving yourself nuts over. Jealousy is one thing, that shouldn't be the motive behind anything you do. That's insecurity, when you just can't deal with him around other females. This one used to sleep with him, she then slept with his best-friend. Now she's angry, because he wants to move on and be with his new girlfriend? Why does she have any say about it? Why is he placing himself in the middle like he can't handle it?
Well, I guess this depends on how badly you need this guy to be your boyfriend; and how much you're willing to put-up with to make it so. If you like drama, you have all the best ingredients.
I highly advise you not to invest your feelings into this guy to deeply, or too quickly. His feelings for her seem to be pretty strong. If he has trouble putting distance between them for your sake; then you have to put distance between him and you.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 October 2020):
 Personally I think that he has got to much going on here with his ex.
It sounds like she has still got some sort of emotional hold over him. She get's upset and peaks off, and he seemed upset that she was angry with him, and he was really bothered about it.
OP he is not over her, and is certainly not ready to be embarking on another relationship with you, or anyone for that matter.
Do yourself a favour and finish this relationship with him, Its only been four months. Save yourself all the pain and heartache and find someone without all the baggage, and an ex lingering behind the scenes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 October 2020):
 Aww, I'd wish him well and end it before you get in to deep.
No, he isn't over her. She is enjoying having him as a back up and for him to worship him when she needs the ego boost.
Also, FWIW I don't think it's your job to tell him who he can be friends with. Ge should have understood a LONG time ago that it isn't HEALTHY for him to keep her in his life, yet HE CHOOSES to keep her around.
I wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. What's the point? If there is an ex in that background manipulating him as EASY as she does, well, then you know she is higher in his priorities than you.
For me, that is just too much baggage I don't want to deal with. (and yes, I have been in a relationship where the ex definitely tried to create drama, it's toxic and NOT worth it.
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