A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello my favourite advice group. I used to write here in the past , and even was a moderator but it’s been a long time and I’ve forgotten my username. Anyway , I am writing about this guy i met online about a month ago. We started texting and talking on the phone , the chemistry was absolutely amazing, we had so much to talk about and after 3 days we decided to meet for a coffee and a walk ( damn covid!) So we met and walked for many hours but the lockdown was starting at 9 pm and we didn’t wanna say goodbye. He kissed me first by the way :) and it was lovely. Under normal circumstances , we would just continue our outing but due to covid the only way to continue our date was to go to his house. So we went to his house, he cooked for me ( he is a professional chef), we kept laughing and hugging each other and then put on a movie to watch until we got very sleepy. He suggested that we sleep in his room, I was way too cosy on his couch so I denied. I said “ you go sleep in your room, I’ll stay here” ( I couldn’t leave his house until 5 am due to lockdown restrictions) . He said I’m his guest so I can take his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch. I refused that so we both slept on the couch lol. The next day , he had to attend a family cookout at which he invited me but I politely refused. He also gave me a ride to my friend’s house which I considered it to be very polite , especially since he had to get ready for the cookout and my friend lived like 20 mins away. The following day after our first date I asked him what his thoughts were on us ( I don’t usually do that but it’s how the convo went on) and he said “ not very encouraging” . I was shocked as in my mind nothing had gone wrong. He said we have many things separating us ( we have opposing views on religion - I’m Christian he’s an atheist- but nothing else really) I said we already knew that but it didn’t stop us from meeting? He asked me is I was completely relaxed at his house, I explained I wouldn’t have gone to his house in the first place hadn’t it been for covid and yes, in my mind , I was relaxed. He didn’t text me for like 5 days and one night I drank a bit so I texted him that I missed him. We had a conversation and at 5.30 am he was at my house which is like 40 mins from his. ( he would have come Earlier but we had to wait until 5 am due to covid restrictions) . I was so happy when I saw him! We cuddled and slept until 12 pm.... we woke up and he gave me oral sex , it was great. We spent the day together until 8 pm when he had to leave cause he had to be home until 9 pm ( covid) . The following week he kept in touch with me but wasn’t flirting with me a lot because he was repairing some tablets to give away. He’s a very nice person , having cooked for refugees before and is willing to help people who are in need. I told him I’m leaving the city soon because I’ll be going to my parents town for Christmas and I don’t know when I’ll be back cause I’ll be working remotely until schools reopen( I’m a teacher) . Before I leave , I requested that he cook for me streak and American cheesecake .. on Wednesday he texted me a picture of the steak. on Saturday he came to my house , brought me very good quality steak and asparagus, and he taught me how to help him bake the cheesecake. We also went for a walk on the beach and started talking and making out on benches ( while being self - sarcastic saying we are acting like 15 year olds) , the sex was amazing.... he said it’s not easy at all for him to ejaculate and he rarely does so but with me it happened . When he did , I hugged him instinctively ( I don’t usually do that unlessI’m In a relationship ... usually I have sex without feelings and I’m okay with it so I am distant with the guys)..... but with him ... I couldn’t stop holding him and neither could he. He spent the night at my place and I couldn’t be happier . In the morning , he knew I had to go over to my friend’s house as it was her name day , and he also went to his friends for a bbq. He was polite asking me if I want him to wait for me so we can leave the house together. I really liked that as it showed me he wasn’t in a rush to leave although he hadThings to do and that he’s really respectful . The last week before I left the city I moved into my friend’s house which was much much closer to his house. We said we would meet before I left for my hometown .... on Tuesday , however, I spilled coffee on my laptop and it broke down! I told him as I knew he fixes laptops and tablets ( it’s his second job) so he volunteered to come over to my friends house and take my laptop with him to see if he can repair it. That’s why exactly what happened . When he came , he also talked about meeting the next day , but he said he has a family event to attend but we could meet after that and I could sleep at his house. I said we will talk ( my friend was present during that conversation). So he got my laptop and left... A few hours later my friend had this idea , for me to call him and say “ how’s my baby doing” obviously referring to the laptop but we wanted to see if he was going to think I was actually referring to him . He’s smart so he realised I was talking about the laptop , lol . We were having a nice conversation until somehow his mood changed and he started talking about how he’s not having a good time and that I’m always feisty and we always clash . I was like whaaaaa ? Last Saturday we hadAn amazing time , what are you talking about ? He also said he wants something superficial with me and thats why he avoids deep convos with me ( that’s BS cause he had said I was very smart and in the first 3 days we talked for like 20 hours about deep topics too ). I was like okay , if you want something superficial why don’t you just flirt with me ? Why are we having issues for no reason since you want us to be superficial ? He couldn’t justify his words so he said let’s talk tomorrow. He also added we aren’t friends on social media , he just blurted this out of the blue ... I responded “ well ok if you wanna add me just do it ?” And then I told him “get your rest and do something fun... “ cause the conversation really had a negative tone and that’s not what I had aimedFor when I called him. - at this point when I discussed with my friends , they said that he’s really stressed about myLeaving and he’s expressing it with anger because he can’t just reveal his emotions- ( he has told me he only has defenses and also a fear of commitment) the next day he texted me to talk about my laptop and how the motherboard is dead and that we can order a new one and he can fix it.... I said ok so he ordered a motherboard and when I offered to give him the money he said I can giveIt when we receive the motherboard and the laptop gets fixed , not sooner... and that he can send it to my hometown. He also said that he shouldn’t have been so harsh with me on the phone but sometimes he feelsUncomfortable with me. I was like how can you feel uncomfortable with meWhen we’re having such a goodTimeTogether ? He said people are complicated and that he doesn’t wanna talk about it today , we can talk about itTomorrow. That happened Wednesday. So last Saturday I left for my hometown and he didn’t text me at all . Not to ask if I left , not to talk about his feelings , nothing. Today I couldn’t do it anymore , so I texted him with a “‘knock knock” joke lol and said to him I want us to talk on the phone or on cam . He said he’s chilling at home so we can talk on cam ....he also said we left our last convo On a bad note and that he didn’t wanna text me to say something silly / pointless and that he was gonna contact me about the laptop. ( I applaud myselfFor having the courage to actually ask this lol and not play it cool ) So we talked on cam and he wasSmiling the entire time... at this point I forgot to say that when he wasAt myHouse he kept smiling like a fool and hugging me all the time , even when we were cooking. We also laughed a lot - he also apologised during sex for not being thick enough so I could feel it better lol ... he apologised for his lack of stamina too lol... never has a man apologised to me about those things before. Anyway , I asked him why he said he feels uncomfortable around me and he couldn’t give a concrete answer ... I said I don’t want any negative interaction between us ... we talked for about 1.30 hours on cam ( it reallyFelt like 15 mins though ????h) and I told him I was going to add him on Instagram. I also asked him why he had said that about social media last week , he said “ well because when two people have something , they usually have each other on social media” ( lmao like he couldn’t have added me himself)... I am writing this because obviously I want your two cents. I do like the guy a lot, but I do understand he has certain insecurities. I am also a bit upset because I feel like I’m doing all the chasing now as opposed to a month ago . I hope since now we are friends on instagram he will be looking at my posts and that the latter will pique his interest. I don’t know exactly when I’ll be going back to his city which may be a factor for him not wanting to reveal his feelings . He’s such a deep person and I feel he has been severely hurt in the past. I know we will talk again, at least about the laptop My questions for you : 1) what do you think he truly feels about me ??2) what’s up with the mood swings ? 3) how to get him to interact with me more ? I don’t wanna be the only one initiating conversation .... ( hopefully Instagram will help with that) 4) I feel that by talking to him tonight and video calling for the first time with himWas actually a good step , I was very relaxed even when I asked him to tellMe why he felt uncomfortable with me , and I made some jokes in between so that the convo didn’t feel heavy. An ironic thing he said today by the way was that he can’t always be in the mood to flirt with me to which i said “ but you said you want something superficial , and flirting is exactly that” to which he responded. “ yes but I can’t be automatic with that , sometimes flirting can be achieved through conversation” ... it’s ironic because last week he said he doesn’t wanna have deep convos with me because we disagree on someImportant matters. Today , however , on cam, we talked about mental capacity and the complexity of human beings , so I don’t know what he’s on about.... Anyways guys , I know I wrote too much but I wanted you to have the best picture possible. I obviously talk to other guys as well because we aren’t exclusive and I don’t wanna obsess over him but he’s the only I like the most because he pleases me on so many levels .... engaging conversations , he knows how to cook, great chemistry in bed .... we also suffer from the same disease! So please do give your two cents! Thanks yall
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atheist, christian, christmas, ejaculate, flirt, in the mood, met online, money, moved in, oral sex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2020): He is atheist and you are christian. Do you think you will encourage him to believe in Christ? Especially if you are sleeping with him? Probably not. I think you need to examine your spirituality and figure out what that means to you. I know that sounds judgemental, but many claim to be christian and what do they do with that? What is a Christian?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 December 2020):
 By the way, I don't think he is "some freak" but I do think he has issues that are in the way of him having a healthy relationship with someone. In most respects he sounds like a great person. He just isn't at his best mentally.
While he is with you he is engaging, living IN the moment which is great, but FOR HIM ( I think) not sustainable when you are apart. He might be over thinking things, he might also be keenly aware that he isn't GOOD at relationships or despite his good traits feels YOU deserve more or better than him. It's really hard to guess.
Which is why I'd let HIM reach out, let him MISS you. Hopefully he will realize that he DOES want you in his life.
You can't MAKE someone WANT to be with you. No matter the chemistry, the great food and conversations.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2020): I’m sorry OP but I have a different view to everyone else!!I don’t think he wants a relationship with you at all but is using you out of convenience/boredom. He wants the girlfriend experience without actually having to commit. Meaning he can still seek other partners. He knows what he is doing is wrong hence him telling you he doesn’t want anything serious with you. But he knows you like him so when boredom strikes/ he feels lonely or needs an ego boost, he goes running back to you telling you everything you want to hear. He is playing games with you and stringing you along. I think that when you really like someone and want to be with them then nothing will stop you. You will be scared that someone else will snap them up. The fact that he isn’t doing this to me seems like he wouldn’t care if that happened. Or if he did care it would be because he has lost his sexual partner. Just because he cuddles you/talks to you all the time does not mean much to me if he’s still saying he doesn’t want anything serious. To me if someone says that to you - you should believe them. He probably doesn’t want to come across as a d**k either so he tries to be honest with you - but when you press it further he retreats (he doesn’t want to upset you). He also still wants you around for when he wants sex or companionship. I think he’s tried to be honest with you several times but you are refusing to hear it. Reading into things that aren’t there, believing what you want to believe. In his eyes he has been honest with you so if you continue with him then that’s on you not him. If I were you I would tell him you want more from him then this weird ‘friendship’ thing you’ve got going on. If he says he isn’t interested then cut of all contact. If he truly wanted to be with you he will commit to you after that - if he doesn’t you have your answer. Although to me if he hasn’t done that already he isn’t going to. Never entertain a guy who plays hot and cold on you. It usually means they don’t want you but haven’t got anyone else. If he’s stopped chasing you then he isn’t interested and is just being polite. His mood swings are because he only wants to talk to you when he wants sex and is bored. He probably gets irritated when you message him when he isn’t bored and can’t be bothered with you. He’s also probably irritated that you have ignored the fact he doesn’t want a relationship with you but you are still acting like you are. You feel you made a step forward by talking him on video calling but that doesn’t mean he feels the same way unfortunately. I would back off from him. He may feel like you are pushing him into a relationship he doesn’t want and he will end up cutting you out. Sorry Op that’s just what I think
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): Op here. Thanks for taking the time to read my long post. He has seen a therapist before - he has battled many psychological issues. He’s a really nice guy though - has won cooking competitions , has hosted dinners on Airbnb , has helped out refugees. It’s not like he’s some freak. He suffered from diabetes type 1 ( like me ) and also multiple sclerosis. He also thinks he has some type of erectile dysfunction. What pisses me off is that when we are together live he has an amazing time with me and acts so cute and tender - I know how to have casual relationships with guys and trustMe he doesn’t act casual at all . He really takes care of me in every way - it’s when we apart that it all goes to hell and his issues resurface. Obviously I’m going to pay him for his work and the motherboard as well . Perhaps he’s afraid of investing in me now because I’m at my parents town and I told him that I don’t know if : when I’ll be going back to his city. It’s just ironic to me how on one hand he talks about us being casual , then he treats me the opposite. It’s usually the other way around : guys say big words but their actions are zero . His actions are great but his words say the opposite...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2020):
Yikes, OP
I can see WHY you are confused. There is way to much pull and push with this guy. Maybe because he really doesn't know what he wants.
So my advice would be to GIVE him space. Once he fixes your laptop and you PAY him for the job, you let him know that you don't want to push for something he isn't sure he wants. AND then you STOP reaching out. STOP chasing.
If someone says, I don't want anything deep or serious or I just want something superficial/casual - it's most likely the truth. Perhaps all he CAN handle is something casual. Right now.
I think if you back off and let him be... He might realize that HE does want more WITH you. He might not. BUT if you keep pushing (and you ARE pushy) you will either back him into a corner or he will shut down.
I also have to question how healthy he is, mentally. He seems all over the place.
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A
male
reader, Mancroft  +, writes (17 December 2020):
 Whilst reading this I really felt for you, as you appeared to be doing all the right things but the wheel kept coming off, without going all the way around the houses, I’ll go down the alleyway. On one side of his brain I think this guy has fallen for you, but the other side of his brain keeps whispering to him telling him something different. The clue is in his remark that he wanted something superficial, but then all of a sudden he’s found himself letting go and enjoying your company, then when he’s offline with you the mischievous imp on his shoulder starts the whispering again. The truth maybe, is that he’s scared about what has happened to him in finding these feelings for you, much to the annoyance of the shoulder imp who keeps telling him ‘look what happened last time’....On the other hand I am maybe being to kind to him, and he has a deep seated problem that will never go away. Either way, a good test will be play hard to get, and see what happens?
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