A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am lost. What makes a man claim to be happily married when his internet browsing history says otherwise? Our laptop was on his profile tonight as it sometimes is and I get on facebook and other various sites from his profile from time to time. I am 5.5 months pregnant and had looked up a couple of sites about nutritional needs from his profile a few days ago. I went to the history to find said sites and try to remember what I had read since I failed to bookmark them, when I found lots of craigslist personals searches... like more than a curious man would make. Then, because for some reason it comes so naturally to us as humans to begin doubting everything that we thought we knew, i decide I now have to check his emails. This is where I find some speed dating site that my husband has his profile on with extremely limited information. No picture. But the birthdate is in there thus providing an age and sign. I am really talking myself into believing that that particular profile that was only just created in early March of this year simply has to be a facebook pop up that got his info from there. I am totally freakin out. I suck at confrontation. How on earth am I going to bring this up? What does a mellow mild tempered person do when confronted with the evidence that her husband is thinking about doing another woman?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): I wonder if it's a "ego" thing, not that it makes it right. I feel like this is almost worse than watching porn...you know why? Because with porn, they are just videos of people who go to great lengths to do the shock value stuff, the over-dramatic, etc. but they are still just visuals, they aren't actually having contact with these whores. Whereas going on the dating sites they are actually making contact and interacting with these women, seeking out what they are interested in. It's disrepectful, makes us feel like we are not good enough, and these guys can't seem to realize this before they make that decision to be curious and look or follow through? Why don't they understand that this hurts us and how would they feel if we did it to them? Hey, guys are never going to stop looking, and some can do it without causing and harm or fowl and they treat their women with respect and will not stray, but others just can't see what this does to us and how it creates doubt in the relationship.I don't think you are overreacting because you are pregnant. You are vulnerable right now, and stumbling on something like this, does NOT help. Hopefully you expressed to your husband that is hurt you to think he was seeking someone else out, even just to look and you need to know that you are loved and desired by him.... see how it goes and if he pays more attention :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): This is the person who asked the question. I really like all these answers. I did ask him and he didnt get upset that I asked. He just simply told me that he has looked at those sites a few times but that there is no way in hell he would ever do anything like that. He also told that I am more than enough for him and that I am all he needs. This leads me to think that maybe just like porn, looking at these sites is some sort of arousing thing for him. I can't understand it but I can accept that part if that is all it is. It just really makes me uncomfortable because I am so very pregnant and no one really wants me. I just always thought that once I found the man for me and we decided to have children that I would be the center of his world, sexually and otherwise. I had no idea that I would feel like only a vessel. Does this get easier with years? Do I need a hobby so I won't think about how much he doesn't want me anymore? Or am I just really over reacting because I'm pregnant? Thank you all so much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I am so with you on this one. I am going through the same thing and can't seem to find the right words to just ask, because it's so confusing and conflicting to the way he treats me and acts towards me, plus, I think I am scared to face the reality that this guy is not what he says he is.We are together every day, we now live together and are engaged to be married, yet, the social network sites are getting more and more frequent...myspace, my yearbook, a while back zoosk, and just recently stumbled on a link he was searching for women with pictures, specific ages and within zip code. There is just no denying what that was about. Facebook is stale and I am thinking it's because we are both on it and I would see what he was doing, I don't know. It makes me sad, because I really thought I found the one, our chemistry is so strong, he is so loving and affectionate towards me, tells me all day that he loves me, we have sex every single night..the only time we are apart, apart is when he is at work, and when he is done early, he comes right home. I just don't get it...the behavior shows no signs of cheating, yet I can't really say where he is during the day because that's the only time he could be doing anything if he is.To me, when you really love someone, you no longer have that desire to seek anyone else out, the curiousity to see what else is out there should simply be of no importance. By the way, we are in our 40's.I wish I had an answer for you and a nice scripted conversation to make it easier, but it just isn't easy...when someone brings concrete doubt into a relationship, it's just that much harder. (((hugs)))
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): Well I can say this. This sounds like the sign of a problem and perhaps you should discuss this. However, if you really want to get somewhere with him you need to establish rapport with him. In other words, make him as comfortable as possible. To do this, you can't be uptight, upset, or pissed off. You need to make him feel comfortable enough to talk to you. You need to act like you already know what is really going on and tell him that "we" need to get to the bottom of the problem. Tell him that the internet stuff doesn't matter, its what made him do that. This is the problem. Do you see my approach here?
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 April 2011):
 What does a mellow mild tempered person do when confronted with the evidence that her husband is thinking about doing another woman?
Good place to start would be to just ask him. Show him the browsing history and ask him calmly for an explanation.
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