A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! I'm in limbo with a man I have been seeing for the last 2 months. Everything between us has been going great, we enjoy each other's company and are very attracted to one another. He, however, is going through a lot of tough times, which he has been very open about with me. We had not made a formal commitment to one another just yet, but neither of us is seeing anybody else, and the times when we are together, alone or in public, we may aswell be called boyfriend and girlfriend. We hold hands, cuddle, stay the night at each other's places, and even have a toothbrush at each other's. We see each other 1-2 a week, which feels about right at this stage.The last time we met, just over a week ago, I expressed a niggling insecurity of mine to him. I said because of all the difficulties he has in his life and he doesn't know what he is doing from one day to the next, I said it sometimes worries me incase he just suddenly has a change of heart about us. (This happened with a guy I saw before - but didn't get round to telling him that bit). He said he might, then he said I might, anybody might, nobody knows! We chatted about his problems and it got late so we fell asleep.It wasn't as cuddly as normal, but I didn't think anything of that. But the next morning when the alarm went off for him to go to work, at 6am, he turned to face me and told me he can't be in a relationship right now. He has all this stuff going on in his life, and he has to put his children first, and he can't spread himself too thinly. He said he knows I don't want anything casual, and neither does he, he doesn't do casual, we discussed this right at the beginning. He said he has only so much emotional energy (or something like that), which I understand. I was completely taken aback, and I had just woken up, so my mind froze, I didn't know what to say. I knew he had to go to work, so we couldn't really have much of a discussion. As he was by the door, I asked would I see him again, and he said "yes, just give me some time, I'll text you". He put his arms out for a hug, kissed my head, then left.I'm left feeling confused. Was this him breaking up with me? Was it him saying he needs to think about what he wants? Or does he just want to be friends? Or doesn't he even know himself?Ps we live next door to each other, and he knows I don't hold a grudge, I never do, I just think it robs you of happiness.I sent him a text at the weekend, a sort of inside joke, just to break the ice and to sort of sfay "no hard feelings" and he did reply in the same joke like manner. I replied back, but nothing. Then last night I sent a message asking how is it going? No reply.I have seen him as I was in my car yesterday and he gave me a smile.But it hurts that he has not acknowledged my messages. I just feel things have been left up in the air, and I don't know where we stand. I am happy to take things slow, but I have not even had the chance to speak with him properly about it. I always appreciate some sort of closure as it helps me to move on properly. If he can only be friends I would be ok with it, but I would just like to be able to talk with him again.Do you think it sounds like he has broken up with me or he has asked for time to think about it? What would you do in my situation? I don't want to wait too long, because I have done that for a guy before and it gave me so much heartache, and when I got closure I felt a huge sense of relief. I just need to know where I stand with him.Thank you for reading, I look forward to reading any responses :)
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female
reader, princessparkles +, writes (14 May 2016):
 well why dont you just ask him if he is breaking up with you and if he says yes then hes not good enough for you and you should find someone different
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 May 2016):
 I think it is clear that he does not want to be with you, he told you straight out he did not want a relationship. I think you sounded a bit to clingy to him, he may have felt you where falling for him so he got out now before you got hurt. You may not have had sex yet, but that does not mean that he did not use you for company and someone to talk to, not all men just want sex from a woman. Your best bet is to forget about him, he has told you he does not want a relationship, that should be enough closure for you to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): When people say they don't do casual it usually means they don't do one night stands or FWB situations. It doesn't mean they don't mess people around which seems to be what this guys doing. By the sound of it you've been fun to be with, available for him and a great shoulder to cry on. However the moment you ask about some level of security he ran for the hills. I don't want a relationship right now means I don't want a relationship with you. Seeing someone 1-2 times a week isn't that emotionally draining given that you've been supporting him not suffocating him. His "tough times" haven't killed his libido, have they?I'm going to say this purely because you live next door to him. Try not to pine for him and assume he'll come running back to you. You may find in a couple of months he's got another woman coming around a lot who he decides he does want a relationship with.You sound like a lovely woman who could do a lot better than this guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): As a guy I am going to be blunt. Your coming off as clingy. I'm sorry if it hurts hearing that but its the truth. If a guy says HE will text you. That means YOU let him text you. I don't want to rip into you too hard so I will give you some pointers. You need to let him miss you and think about you. The only way he can develop feelings for you is if he is wondering about, but if your always texting him or too available then he cant miss you. Remember the heart grows founder with absences. The only time you need to clear the air is when you feel you may have caused confusion with something you said. Right now its him that needs to work himself out. So don't send any more text asking about where you stand. He wants space just give him space. Don't text him, call him, go to his place without him initiating. If you see him say hi casually not with too much excitement, just casually like you would with a friend. I have ignored girls text messages before to get a reaction out of them and the girls who attracted me the most were the girls who when I saw them in person said hi but with the most casual attitude. This turned me on so much because by doing this you are letting the guy know he's not such a big deal and that you are a content women and don't "need" a man. You need to say with your action "hey its you, I just realized you haven't been around. If you want to stick around then lets have some fun" by doing this it shows your are a free person and that having a guy you like around is nice but if he's not around then that fine as well. Remember when you pull people pull away harder, but if you're at ease then people will not feel the need to pull away from you. They often come to you wondering why you are not pulling at them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): Hi, it's he OP here.
Thank you for your answer, but we did not have sex yet. It was him who said he wanted to wait a bit, which was fine with me.
He also told a lot of his friends about me, so as I said before it was not casual. I have had casual before and I know the difference. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): I can't be sure that all he wanted was casual sex from the start. He may have thought otherwise, but the moment he was faced with the reality he pulled out.Don't wait. My aunt told me when I was very young and what she said stuck with me and proved to be true.When somebody wants you, he wants you, period. Meaning that if the emotion is real he will find a way to make you a part of his life and deal with problems.I was with a guy for a year and he has been giving me all sorts of excuses without saying what the real problem was he simply didn't like me enough to commit. He had no real problems to deal with. He was not married, or had children, or anything else. He was just not into me.On the other hand, I met my second husband when we were both married. On top of everything we had a business relationship and he himself had kids and was coming from a very religious family (he is agnostic, but respects his family's tradition). It took us a couple of months to figure things out. We never cheated on our spouses, but at some point we started expressing and discussing our feelings. Anyway, he got divorced, I got divorced... But my point is, he wanted me. He found a way to make me a part of his life on all levels. And if somebody had problems to deal with, believe me he did. His mother couldn't believe that we "hadn't sinned" and he had to find a way to inspire her to give me a chance. Not to mention everything else.So, don't wait. Don't give him time. Don't text him. If he wants you, he'll be back with you being dead silent. If he doesn't, well you texting him or calling him will only make him nervous and he'll feel like as if you were obsessed by him. When it's hard just repeat to yourself that what you had was nice but that both of you have made different choices. You want different things in life and in a long-term partner.On the other hand, is he's really overwhelmed, he's doing you a favor. If he's not ready, he'd be just pretending and teh break up would only be delayed.Count yourself lucky.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): What happened to you happens to us men alot to, he used you, when he thought you were falling for him he ran, do yourself a big favor, do not have anything to do with him, don't even wave or say hello, he doesn't care about your feelings, I know it hurts it's been five months for me, I did everything right, they can just switch the lights off , which means their feelings, which they never had in the first place for us, it's funny why didn't we have our eyes wide open, what am talking about the red flags were always their, but our emotions took over, you see they new they hurt us they just didn't care, I tell you something, some woman is going to hurt him one day, it's just to bad you won't see it, I hope the pain fades away soon
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 May 2016):
 No one just go into dating knowingly, saying they are looking for long term, then say they can't be in a relationship right now. He's old enough to know what he wants or doesn't want. I suspect all he wanted all along is some no strings attached sex. If he said that at the beginning then no woman would contact him again.
Just consider he never wanted a relationship so it can't be called a break up. This has nothing to do with you, or your qualities to keep a man but everything to do with the fact that mid aged men do not desire relationships anymore. They have their hands full and all they can handle is a surprise intimacy session in the odd times, just someone who can alleviate their sense of loneliness temporarily. There is really no reason to be insecure. When you have love in yourself you don't need to depend on a man for approval.
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