A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,am getting married soon and my mother in law had a child last year who is 1 now and she is pregnant again. she is in her mid 40's i get it its her choice and the second time i think it was a mistake.I feel like not having kids at the moment because of that my other half is ready to have kids but i feel less ready , or its just me being weird? my fiancé loves his baby sister a lot, he spoils her to the core and sometimes it feels as if am being left out and am not important to him, as they say blood is thicker than water but am i really water if i am gna bear his children? after we are married am really going to be family or blood is still his priority?I feel like we going to be taking care of his younger siblings the 1 year old and the unborn baby after we get married even though they still have their parents fit and still able to support them. my mum was saying it will be my responsibility since its their son am marrying and wont that be a burden on me since we are only going to be newly married and want to enjoy our new family? am just worried about it ...since he is the only eldest child as well, wnt that be difficult if i wanted to have my own kids? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): OP you say in your follow up that your bf gets jealous if you give your little brother attention. That is not healthy behaviour. You say you can't really complain about it because he treats you nicely but I think you should be worried about that. I wouldn't tolerate that sort of behaviour.
Also, you say that you sometimes feel uncomfortable because your family don't go on about how you love your brother. This is probably precisely because, as you tell us, you prefer to give your attention to your bf because of his jealous behaviour. Your family have probably noticed this and that is why they don't see that you do particularly love your brother. They probably see that your bf is the priority.
You need to balance everything out. Do you WANT to give more attention to your bro but are stopped from doing so by your bf's behaviour?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 you are just being paranoid...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys, but its not like i am jealous even though it may sound like it, i just think am less important to him than his blood family, since i am an outsider and only going to be related by marriage sometimes i feel am just the same as his mother she gt married into the family too only she gave birth to him like i will to my kids...I feel like am not going to be welcome and like i am taking their son away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe parents never ask me to babysit even after i offered, i like the little sister and he babysits when they are at work he doesn't take on a role as a father.I do have siblings and i put him first even if i got a younger brother cause i know the moment i start giving attention to my bro he will be jelous, cause thats the way he is and he treats me nice as well i cant really complain about that.The parents go on about how the brother loves his sister soo much and etc, sometimes i feel uncomfortable because my family dnt go on about hw i love my brother. and do you think she will give me to raise her kids for her ?or its just nothing to worry about, am just being paranoid.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 November 2012):
well it's a bit of both...
he's good to his sister and his mom and that's a good thing for both them and you. it means he will be good to you and your children as well.
have you asked him "after we are married is your mom and baby sister still a priority over me?" and see what his answer is.... you may be surprised to find they are not a priority now and it's just your skewed view of the world.
do you two live together now?
if not, things will really change once you move in together...
why do you think you will be taking care of the babies? do you do it now? does he? does his care of his siblings impact on your time together?
my husband is my family. I am his. I have children from a prior marriage and they are grown but one is disabled and they are still my kids and my problem... so now they are my husband's problem. My husband is not old enough to be the father of my sons. And yet he has to spend some of his hard earned money monthly to care for a child he rarely sees, that he does not care for much (it's hard to care for my oldest who lives in a group home for emotionally disabled adults) and yet he does it with a smile willingly... because they are my children and he loves me.
these children will be your sister in law and baby in law and therefore they are your family too...
I am sure by the time you are having your own kids there will be a nice sister in law to help you watch them and as they all grow she can babysit for you and her big brother and give her a nice payment for it. WIN-WIN for everyone.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 November 2012):
 You are borrowing trouble. Does your fiance's mother ask you to babysit now? Why would marriage change that? You are worried about something that may never happen, and you have no evidence that it might.
Now having said that, your fiance is strongly attached to his siblings. He will want to spend some time with them. He will want to buy then presents. You may feel jealous of the attention he gives them. Watch out for that.
About the blood and water thing. Some families run that way. It is a dysfunction. Here is what the Bible suggests (good advice even if you are not a believer) Therefore should a man leave his Mother and Father and cleave unto his wife. The same is true for wives. Leave and cleave, is important for all new marriages. And in laws would be wise to avoid interfering in the new couples life as much as possible. This includes filling a young bride to be's head with worries about the other mothers children.
Now part of cleaving to your husband is that you talk to him about this before you go to your mom bout it. You two need to present a united face when your parents and his make unreasonable requests.
So you are having cold feet and are a bit nervous. This is pretty normal. You don't quite trust him to stand up for you. You also disagree on when to start having children. You have a very short time to work those out. Get to it.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): about having kids, you're not weird because you're not ready yet, you're still very very young and has many years ahead of you to have a baby, don't bow to pressure and have a baby as soon as you get married, if I were you I'd wait a bit first, see if things will work out, I think that the fact that your fiance is good to his baby sister is a positive thing, it probably means he'll also be a good dad, but then again other people's children are VERY different than having your own,whom you'll have to feed, clothe and pay for, so you guys should also give it a thought, babies are cute but they DO grow up. If he's going to marry you it's obvious that he loves you isn't it? the way that he dotes on his sister should not indicate that you're less important for him, those are very different kinds of love, and to be honest you sound a bit insecure. I don't understand why will you have to look after his siblings? will you be moving in with his family? in which case I'd say that I don't know better recipe for disaster than moving in with one's in laws... BUT in any case wish you the best of luck. Answering you question, blood may be thicker than water or not, I'm closer to my friends than to my blood relatives so it depends...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Your jealousy is showing. Unless you think his mom is gonna give u the kids and make you raise them as your own i'd stop worrying. He loves his sister? Good for him. Be happy that if u have kids they will have family to play with and a father who loves kids. As a person who has no siblings I can't give u details about sibling love but there is nothing wrong with him wanting to be a big part of his sister's life. This is the important bonding years. You really should be happy for him. Also try think ing of ways it could be worse. She could be his age and a drug addict that your husband wants to care for. She could be mentally retard and special needs. There are million things worse than he just loves his family. Don't be so jealous and just be happy. Spend time alone and don't rush into kids because of this. Enjoy each other!
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