A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am trying to get a friend to open up and be herself around me. She is a self proclaimed perfectionist and very hard on herself. I sometimes think she likes me and puts pressure on herself for things to be a certain way. As you can imagine it makes it difficult. We text and talk but she seems too anxious to hang out even though she says she wants to and we have discussed it before. She also says she is not pretty. She is my friend so she is beautiful to me. I have tried to reassure her and tell her qualities I like about her. Still she seems to keep me at arms length. I’m not sure what else to do. The other thing is we work together and since she is higher up than me, thar could be part of it but I’m not sure…like how some people keep work and personal separate. But overall I feel she cares for me and enjoys spending time. It’s confusing
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2024):
 Opening up to someone is a choice, not something you can "force".
It doesn't seem to me like she wants to be as close friends with you as you want to be with her.
"Still she seems to keep me at arms length"
GIVE her the respect and stop pushing.
Be a work acquaintance and if you want to make friends look outside of the workplace. If she wants a friendship with you SHE needs to put more effort in, so far she has CHOSEN not to do that and I think you NEED to respect that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2024): You are the perfectionist, judging others and thinking they should change to suit you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2024): I wonder whether you are gay, or whether she thinks you are. Just a thought as you mention she cares for you, and things about looks.
Whatever the case I think it's not your job to fix her, however we'll meaning you are. She is being herself but it sounds like you want things to move faster. Bottom line is if she wants to spend time with you she will.
Meanwhile, have you other friends? Might be simpler to spend time with them and see how things turn out with her.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (16 April 2024):
 I really don't think there is an awful lot you can do really apart from continuing to be her friend and be supportive where you can.
I believe that we should never try to change people, we are all on a life's journey and following our own path.
Be accepting of the person she is, we all have our own funny habits and ways, and she has got hers.
Just continue as you are doing, who knows further down the line she may come out of shell a bit more, but it must be of her doing.
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