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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello all,I'm in need of a hug and some good advice. I have been in a year and a half relationship and recently we broke up. Well, time off for a month. Does time off really happen? Or does it translate into 'let's break up'?We broke up rather abruptly (but after fighting on/off over the months), then talked again to really discuss what was going on. I told him I wanted to make it work... and he told me that he needs time to think about it - space apart, then talk in a month. And to really feel what it's like to be broken up. (What?!) At that time, we'll either break up or go to couple's counseling to try and make it work. I can't tell if he really means it though, or just saying it as an easier way out. It's so hard to deal with, and I just don't want to latch onto false hopes. I want to move on if it's ridiculous to think there's a possibility for us... On the other hand, is there?I know we're still really in love with each other, but have major issues fighting all the time. Basically, he gets super defensive whenever anything comes up, and I get frustrated and angry, feeling like I'm talking to a wall. Then we blow up. I also found myself being needy lately for reassurance, which is completely opposite of my normal independent self. It seems like we don't know how to (kindly) get through to each other. The fighting has been accumulating, making our relationship strained and stressful. We had agreed to get counseling, but hadn't started yet. We left for a vacation, came back, then I brought up (again) the unresolved topic of 'us' and can we work or not. Now he says he's tired of it all (the fighting), wants space and doesn't know if I (not 'we') can change even with counseling. We both agree that we have an incredible connection and are still in love with each other. I still want to try counseling because it seems our issues are being unable to get through to each other properly. But looking back at our last conversation, it makes me sad that he couldn't see our issues are a two-way problem. We've both hurt each other over the months, and I've been frustrated and angry too, not just him. Perhaps he acted this way out of pride or anger or hurt. But is this "I need time" really mean "I'm right, and I'm over it"? I'm hearing from (most, though not all) of my friends that it means it's over. Or does space apart sometimes really work?
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broke up, move on, says he's tired Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2006): This is incredible... I have very similar problem starting today. Or even worst. ..You are not alone...
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (23 March 2006):
 Well done on the job offer, this will boost your already growing confidence and will give you some much needed distance from your ex.
You are already so much stronger, this I can tell from what you wrote first time and what you wrote this time.
Being single can be scarey at first but is so much needed after a long or troubled relationship, it gives you time to reflect, mend your broken heart and to look with fresh eyes at your life and what path you want your life to follow, it is a mind and body cleansing time and is always needed after a break up.
Lots of people jump from one relationship to another without giving themself time to recouperate and feflect, this is un healthy and im glad that you are deciding and enjoying being single for a little while.
I wish you all the happiness in your job and in your life as you really do deserve it, well done againg for being so strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I want to thank Smeedle again for your good advice and want to put up a (hopefully) last posting. I got a job offer from a company that I had applied to a while back, and now I'm moving out of town back to my old city. And, right before I got the offer, I ran into an ex of mine... I don't think anything's going to come out of that, but it just seemed like a sign that I'm ready to move on (that, and with a lot of thinking... I find that I'm actually comfortable with being single again. It's kind of nice to focus on myself and give myself some time and attention.)
Whatever happens I want to keep positive and move forward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks smeedle for your thoughts and insight.
So he called me the other day and we talked for a little bit. Casual talk. He said he missed me but I refrained from getting emotional (it STILL hasn't completely sunken in yet that we're apart), and I restrained from talking about anything related to our relationship issues. That's what 'time apart' (aka broken up for now) is for right? to think and get time for yourself. But what does it mean?? Misses me??
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (14 March 2006):
Counseling may help and it will make him see that relationships are a two way thing, but it does sound like your relationship has been on a steady decline and that although you love each other this is starting to not be enough.
Couples do have ups and downs and all relationships go through periods were there are more downs than ups but this one seems to be stuck.
This comment about seeing what it is like broken up means that he wants to see if he can have a good life without you or if he misses you so much that he really wants to be with you rather than single.
For me when one of the party calls a holt to the relationship it means that that person is very unhappy and is just not getting from the partnership what they want at this stage in there life.
Very rarely when one partner calls a hold is it a complete surprise to the other, it is just one is more braver than the other or more sure of the problems.
If you are honest with yourself can you see major problems with the relationship and do you see the two of you being able to get over these hurdles and make a happy, good life together because if you do then you need to tell him all of this and tell him how you see the relationship and its problems and how you see a way through the issues.
If you soul search and decide that there is just too much wrong then you call a halt and both of you part as friendly as possible.
If you see the realationship lasting and worth fighting for then do just that.
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