A
female
age
51-59,
*rownsugalady
writes:Hi All,Now before I start...let he without sin cast the first stone!A bit of background about me. Single parent of 3 children and been single for 8.5 years by choice!Always put my kids first and as you can see quite a mature lady.But somehow fell in love with a co worker who has agirlfriend of 5 years and lives with her.Please forgive me this post might be a bit long as I really need to get this of my mind!I would really appreciate your answers both postive and negetive!Ok I have tried wrecking my brains as to how this started and the only thing I can think of is the day I was very upset in work over my teenage son who was causing me some problems. A co worker of mine could see this and tho we have spoken before but not on any personel level, he asked was I OK.Well that is all it took for me to break down into tears over the situation with my son. He listened to me and said he was exactly the same at my son age.(He is now 33)He showed me empathy and gave me some good advice which I took on board.For some unknown reason I really felt better and wasn't quite as upset previuos.Anyway I was really grateful to him for taking time out and listening and helping me, and even told a few collegues how nice he was and brought him a thank you card.(That is just the sort of person I am).Well time went on about 3 months or so and even tho we chatted I still did not feel anything towards this man, only friendship.I got to tell you all this man is extremely good looking and 3 of the receptionist fancied him along with a few customers.Well to try and cut a long story short, the xmas party was coming up and he asked me was I going and I said I wasn't sure due to the fact I had a fall out with my daughter who also works with me.He said you should go it would make me feel better. Anyway I did and we ended up chatting all evening, dancing and yes flirting,we both had quite a few drinks(but believe me I am not blaming this on the drink from my side). Don't ask me how it came about but we shared a taxi home with a few orhers and I was 2nd to last stop and he was last stop off. Well he didn't make his stop because he stopped at mine. Please bear in mind I never planned any of this.....you can guess what happened can't even bring myself to say.I have to admit yes I did feel very guilty but for some unknown reason I did not regrett it at all.Well we didn't see other on work for nearly 3 weeks(we see each other every day even tho we work in same building he is in a differnt dept).When we did see each orher even tho a little awarkward we kept it very simple and professional. Another few passed and I needed his help on something, so I asked him for a coffee away from preying eyes, he agreed and we sat and chatted about my problem for over an hour. Then the all xmas came up, he said it was wrong but like me he didn't regret it and hasn't stopped thinking about me since.And me him.We both agreed it could never happen again, from that moment I knew this was something alot deeper for me but didn't say anything.We parted like friends and still chatted in work and never mentioned the xam again. I knew my feelings for him changed and was getting stronger by the day but I kept it to myself.Then 5 months later we get chatted on are own in work and he tells me he likes me and can't stop thinking about me evn tho we have stayed away from each other. I kinda told him I really like him but I WON'T EVER BE THE OTHER WOMEN!(yeah I know I kinda was)he said he knew that and that I was worth more. And said he couldn't have two women in his life. He also told me he doesn't know why he is liking me so much, as he is happy at home. But when he chats to me about just basic things he feels real happy being around me. Again we left it and just chatted, yes there was a lot of chemistry between us and a very close connection what I can't explain.But we just carried on like two work collegues and nothing more was said.This brings us to the presnt day! 7 mnths later.I am totally in love with this man, how I don't know we have never been intitmate since the xmas party, never kissed or kept in touch out side work.Again he comes to me after a few weeks of not seeing me I have now moved to a different building but he floats between the two. He siad we haven't chatted in ages and still nothing as changed from his side, in fact it's getting worst. He told me he was very attracted to me and really likes me and wishes he was single, and can't beleive how strong these feeling are. He has never ever cheated in the whole 5 years with his girlfriend and he doesn't know why he has now!He also said again he is happy at home and can't understand what is happening.Well after that conversation you can guess my head was over the place...I left it for a few days and went to have a chat with him. I really need to do this for my own sake as I was going crazy thinking about how much I love him, I decided I needed to tell him.Well I told him that I love him and if he was single I would love nothing more but for him to start dating me. He said he didn't know if he loved me but the feelings he has for me are getting stronger by the day and it is overwelming him.Now the bomb shell, he told me he loves his girlfriend and is in love with her??And again he is happy at home! I said maybe your just comfortable.I didn't go mad or make a fuss I told him again how I felt and could not carry on having feelings for him, so best we didn't speak for a good while except work related issues. He then told me he is so confused about the whole situation as he has never felt like this about someone before. He also dropped another bomb shell!!! He has appiled for another job as he too can't carry on like this, he is constanly thinking about me when he is at home and it driving him crazy and it's not fair on his girlfriend.He said he is F... because he really don't know what to do....and the best think his to leave and get away from me.Yes I am heart broken from no fault but my own but they say if you love someone true you will let them go...and I am letting him go, I am not going to confuse him anymore or beg or plead to think about being with me...When he told me he loved his girlfriend and was in love with her...I knew then that this was never ever meant to be!I am not mad or bitter that is the price you pay for messing with someone already committed to someone else. I do truly love him and I will miss him so much when he leaves but even for me I think this is best, I couldn't carry on like this. My love for him will stay for a long time...I can just tell! I wish him the best in his life both in his realtionship and his work life.As I type this tears are flowing from my eyes! Life is so confusing at times, why this all had to happen is beyond me. I am praying at the mo for god to forgive me and to take the pain away very soon.I don't regret it one bit (Sorry)he gave me feelings that lite me up from the inside and made me remember what it is like to love again!!!!!!So sorry it's a long post, just needed to get this off my chest.I would really like some replies. Just for claification....I know we will never be now.Ps He was the first one night stand I had in my life, I am a very decent lady who don't share my body often.Just wanted to let you all know the sort of women I am.Thank you all who got this far!
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co-worker, fell in love, flirt, has a girlfriend, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Brownsugalady +, writes (14 July 2012):
Brownsugalady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi William,Thank you for your message. Love is a very funny thing and you never know when it will strike to the core.I really can't tell you how we would feel in 5 years time, all I know is that at this present time my love is with this man and it hurts every day knowing I will never be with him.I feel like this one person who I will always have a special place in my heart! I was always in a no win situation,from day one,if I am honest even if he said he would leave his current girlfriend I would not have been happy with that knowing that I caused her pain!I am true believer in if things are meant to be they will be.He is leaving his job in two weeks, which I know in my heart is for the best!He needs to concertrate on his home life and try not to think of me, which must cause a bit of friction when he his at home.I would love to say that I want to still be his friend but the truth is I don't know if that would cause more harm than good.He still tells me he has feeling for me and is finding it very hard, and sometimes wishes everything would go back to normal!!Life does throw challenges at us, it's how we act on them that causes the problems!We BOTH know we did wrong but for some unknown reason we didn't not regret it!But all the same it was very wrong.I can't follow my heart Willam cause if I do I would be causing some else pain for my own happiness!!!I wish you the best of luck in your situation, I am so sorry I don't have the answer.PS your right about waiting for the right one I have been single well over 8 years and in all that time he is the only one who made me feel this way!Why he had to be attached is beyond me! God works in mysterious ways and I am sure there is osme lesson here!!Thank again for your reply.
A
male
reader, slipper164  +, writes (12 July 2012):
Wow Your right it was long but very interesting. I could almost feel your pain. Your making me think about my wifes x - sister inlaw. I feel like I am in love with her and she dosen't even know it.Even when I think about her my heat starts to beat fast. Recently my wife has been showing me more attention because she found out I bought he x -sister inlaw a gift cetificate for an exclusive spa for her birthday. It was a really nice gift. Like you I need to say this out loud. I have never had sex with this woman not that I haven't thought of it, but what makes me attracted to her besdes her physical looks is she shows me attention where as my wife takes me for granted. I love my wife but I don't get that feeling like I just described about my heart beating fast just thinking about someone. Maybe I am a hopless romantic, maybe we both are. Sometimes we can wait are whole life for the right person and they won't come along. What do we do if they do come along. Do we hurt other people to be with the one we truely love. I can even go a little deeper and say If I go with the one that I feel like I truely love will I feel the same way in 5 years. I don't have those ansewers (I wish I did)I think my wife is in this marriage for convience. I don't know if my advice in this situation will help because I almost feel like I am in a simillar situation. I would say follow your heatr if it makes you happy. We only live once. William Tell
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): To Anonymous reader:
Like I said in my post, he said he didn't regret it!! But hey maybe deep down he did!
He could never have had another one night stand with me I made that VERY CLEAR and also could never have an affair!!
Yes I messed up but don't judge me to be a bad women like I just have one night stands or an affair with no thought or concern! If that was the case I would have carried on or had another fling with him!
I believe this man does have morals even though we both pushed them, I don't think he will cheat again and I do generally believe he does love and care for his girlfriend very much!
Again I wish him the best in his life and I truly hope he will be very happy. Ask for me I have now forgiven myself no one is perfect, I will learn from this and stay strong. My love for him will stay with me for a good while, certain people touch your heart for what ever reason, he has touched mine in such a way that I didn't think possible.The pain still stays with me but that is my own doing but again I don't regret it ONE BIT!
lOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS!!!!!
Good luck to all who may find themselfs in this situation.
Oh thanks for your post
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): If he cheat on her he will cheat on you too! Yes he regret cheating on his girlfriend that's why he's changing jobs to avoid another one night stand with you, if he was a straight cheater he will stay and have sex with you whenever he feels like it
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A
female
reader, Brownsugalady +, writes (4 July 2012):
Brownsugalady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the first post! Thank you for your reply.No he does not have kids he said he just does niot want any as yet. Age is only number and I am not that older than him!So wheather he was older than me the same feelings would have been there.No he does not regret cheating even tho he knew it was wrong....and couldn't understand why he felt like that.Here is the thing I am very sociable person, I do quite a few hostings nights, I go gym, salsa and rock climb.And mingle with lots of people. I am very well liked as person and have no hangs ups. I have been on two dates in last 7mnths (to try and get off my mind) and to be honest there was no connection at all.I think your missing my point I know what I did was so very wrong and that is why it never got repeated again!!I would never want that to happen to me but hey they say karma does come round.Thanks again for reading and giving me your advice.And you right cheating is a very bad thing from both parties.Post two: I am not justifing anything I am saying what I did was very wrong and I know what is happening now is for the best.Post three: Yes I will miss him but deep down I know it is for the best. Yes I do believe he had some feelings for me and was getting confused, what them feelings are I don't know.Yes he chose his girlfriend over me and as the first post pointed out I am mature lady and know that you can't force someone to love you. I do truly wish him happiness in his life and I really hope things work out for him and his lady!Thanks again ladies for you replies!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Phew!!!!I'm glad you wrote this down: I think it is some sort of closure.Ok missy, a few things:He is in a committed relationship: He CHEATED on his gf of 5 years. She trusted him and he was a ^^^^^!He is 33 years old: you are in your 40s. Does he have any kids! He rescued you when you had problems with the kids. He listened, he tried to make you feel better. He helped you at that time. THAT was the link in the beginning. He just gave you a mans/boys perspective about the issues at hand. Your one night xmas stand: a drunken hook up OR was he just angling for free sex? You two did not talk for weeks after the sex night. Guilt? Remorseful? Embarressment? Seems like he really regrets cheating on his gf. Is this correct? Perhaps he doesn't want to let you down harshly therefore he resufaces every few weeks. Just so that you don't feel bad. He has not repeated his mistake. No touching or intimacy at all. Just mere words.Here's the crunch:You never had him at all: he was never yours. You don't want to be the other woman: then don't. Its very simple. You helped him cheat on his gf. That's enough now. Him finding another job: let him! Are you gently pressurising him? He admitted that he loves his gf: enough said.There is NOTHING to this. There was no relationship. No hidden calls. No emails. No contact whatsoever. So there was Nothing!OP yes you may want more but this is how the cookie crumbles: perhaps you needed love and comfort and someone to take the time to talk to you: this man did. It just got out of hand. Stop pining for him or having an expectation. Its not going to happen. He's in love with his gf . Yes he may think of you. But not enough to mess up his life. He knows that you now have feelings invested in him therefore he has tried to let you down gently. Take this hint. Don't seek him out. Let him be. He just resufaces every few weeks so that you don't have bad thoughts about him. Stalking him? Naahhh! What to do with your feelings? Channel them in different streams:Start going outMake new friendsGet a better handle on the kids.Start dating again?? Someone your own age?Hey take up some sort of hobby: what do you enjoy? I don't know the answers to your plight. What I do know is this:He cheated on his gf. I detest cheaters no matter how "nice" they areHe's in love with his gfHe regrets the "drunken" hookupHe's trying to run away from you: therefore the new job appHe's trying to let you down gentlyI'm glad you wrote your long tale. And yes I read the entire thing: why? Because it is important to you. Hun, those feelings and perhaps the fantasy of happily ever after will never happen with him. Accept it. And learn to move on. Perhaps you were drawn to his kindness but its over. It really did not even begin. I hope I made some sort of sense but if not, at least I tried.From one very mature gal to another, take care. Normally I'm so cross with cheaters. I'm feeling mellow today and I cannot be angry with you. But suffice it to say that xmas sex story was so so wrong. I don't condone Cheating. (I'll be a hypocrite if I don't tell you this: just read all my other responses it'll make you cringe). BUT this has to stop. NOW. TODAY. FOR EVER
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Phew!!!!
I'm glad you wrote this down: I think it is some sort of closure.
Ok missy, a few things:
He is in a committed relationship: He CHEATED on his gf of 5 years. She trusted him and he was a bastard!
He is 33 years old: you are in your 40s. Does he have any kids!
He rescued you when you had problems with the kids. He listened, he tried to make you feel better. He helped you at that time. THAT was the link in the beginning. He just gave you a mans/boys perspective about the issues at hand.
Your one night xmas stand: a drunken hook up OR was he just angling for free sex?
You two did not talk for weeks after the sex night. Guilt? Remorseful? Embarressment? Seems like he really regrets cheating on his gf. Is this correct? Perhaps he doesn't want to let you down harshly therefore he resufaces every few weeks. Just so that you don't feel bad. He has not repeated his mistake. No touching or intimacy at all. Just mere words.
Here's the crunch:
You never had him at all: he was never yours.
You don't want to be the other woman: then don't. Its very simple. You helped him cheat on his gf. That's enough now.
Him finding another job: let him!
Are you gently pressurising him?
He admitted that he loves his gf: enough said.
There is NOTHING to this. There was no relationship. No hidden calls. No emails. No contact whatsoever. So there was Nothing!
OP yes you may want more but this is how the cookie crumbles: perhaps you needed love and comfort and someone to take the time to talk to you: this man did. It just got out of hand.
Stop pining for him or having an expectation. Its not going to happen. He's in love with his gf . Yes he may think of you. But not enough to mess up his life. He knows that you now have feelings invested in him therefore he has tried to let you down gently. Take this hint. Don't seek him out. Let him be. He just resufaces every few weeks so that you don't have bad thoughts about him. Stalking him? Naahhh!
What to do with your feelings? Channel them in different streams:
Start going out
Make new friends
Get a better handle on the kids.
Start dating again?? Someone your own age?
Hey take up some sort of hobby: what do you enjoy?
I don't know the answers to your plight. What I do know is this:
He cheated on his gf. I detest cheaters no matter how "nice" they are
He's in love with his gf
He regrets the "drunken" hookup
He's trying to run away from you: therefore the new job app
He's trying to let you down gently
I'm glad you wrote your long tale. And yes I read the entire thing: why? Because it is important to you. Hun, those feelings and perhaps the fantasy of happily ever after will never happen with him. Accept it. And learn to move on. Perhaps you were drawn to his kindness but its over. It really did not even begin.
I hope I made some sort of sense but if not, at least I tried.
From one very mature gal to another, take care. Normally I'm so cross with cheaters. I'm feeling mellow today and I cannot be angry with you. But suffice it to say that xmas sex story was so so wrong. I don't condone Cheating. (I'll be a hypocrite if I don't tell you this: just read all my other responses it'll make you cringe). BUT this has to stop. NOW. TODAY. FOR EVER
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Your message is way too long. It's simple. Get out. Stop talking to him. Change jobs. If you don't want to be the other woman then don't be. And stop trying to justify it to us and to yourself. If he was your man, you damn sure wouldn't want some other woman moving in your territory, now would you? Back off.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 I am not quite sure what exactly it is you are asking from your post, I guess you just needed to write it down to get it out of your system and for other people to tell you what they think. If I am honest with you it really is for the best that he has applied to move jobs. Yes deep down you will miss him but you will soon get over him when you do not need to see him every day. I believe he loves his girlfriend but that you are on his mind as well. It is obvious he wants to save his relationship when he is going to these great lengths, I am just sorry that you had to be the one caught up in all off this. We all make mistakes in our life and this was one you made, and now you are paying the price dearly for it. But the good news is it will only get better in time. I know it may take some time to move on but you will get there, I wish you all the best of luck.
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