A
female
age
41-50,
*aysofgrays
writes:Hello all,I am Indian,28 years old and in love with a white man 15 years my senior.We don't find our age differences an issue at all. From a cultural perspective, my parents don't approve of me marrying a white man and outside of our caste/religion. They want to decide the man for me with the help of astrologers-matching horoscopes and all the things that usually happens in India when your parents/relatives decide its time you got hitched. We've been through 4 or 5 meetings with prospective alliances. As in 4 or 5 different people and I have refused all of them after much emotional blackmailing, threats, abuses, endless "discussions" and even a psych visit to make me see their way. Not just from my parents but a whole bunch of "close relatives" as well. I am sick of this and sick of having to explain myself to everyone and sick of the stress that I have to go through every time a "meet" is planned. I am directly and indirectly pressurized into saying "yes" although they keep saying we aren't forcing you. I am holding out because I just don't feel right in marrying a person I don't know or connect with or feel the same as I do with my man. TO me, a huge bank account or properties or horoscopes matching doesn't mean anything. All I am interested is in a person making me feel good about myself, good enough to be myself and express how I feel without feeling I have to watch every word I say or think, trust this person and have the confidence that I can and want to spend the rest of my life with him, someone I know would respect me for what I am and not try to change me into someone that him or his parents/relatives would like and someone that truly cares for me and loves me completely. That's the person I would say yes to and the only person that evokes all of those feelings is this white man which my parents/relatives wouldn't really approve of. But, its my life in the end and if I don't stand up now I know I'll be unhappy for the rest of my life and I don't want it. Having said that, it is getting hard to convince my parents. They don't want to listen unless its me saying "yes" to the man they are picking. If I don't have any feelings for the person, then its no use getting married to him just to please my parents and make my relatives happy even if thats what all the rest of the family did with their lives. I cannot do that and subject myself to a life of suffering, abuse and unhappiness. My parents have arranged for another meeting soon and I am nervous about it. About what comes after the meeting when I give them my reasons and say no. They dont want to hear it, as according to them, I am getting older and its no good for a woman my age to remain unmarried for so long etc etc. I've fought them hard so far and I know I need to keep continuing until they realise what I truly want and respect me to know what is best for me better than them. My man is helping me as always with this. We are going through it together, but there's only so much he can do from overseas. I had to refuse two very good job offers 4 years ago, as my parents had "other plans" for me and the astrologer predicted that I would get married soon. I am trying to get a job now, but it always comes to the 4 year gap period and what I did then(learning langauges and interpreting for businesses on and off)doesn't count. So, I am financially dependent on my parents but that could change once I find a job. Until then, I need to somehow convince my parents that whomsoever they are choosing for me isn't the right one. Any suggestions would greatly help.
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confidence, emotional blackmail, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, daysofgrays +, writes (6 July 2011):
daysofgrays is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe last time I came close to even talking about it, there was a huge drama. They do try things to force me in an underhanded manner. I can see what they are trying to do, but it does get to me sometimes and I don't want them to catch me at my vulnerable moment.
Yep, my man wants to send me a ticket and anything else I would need to get the preparations started. But, I want to try and do the talking again and see how it goes. He reckons its going to end up the same as last time. Either they accept us or get to a point where they realise we are meant to be together in the end. I dont want my parents to make me choose between them and him although I would pick my bf cos in the end theyve lived their life and it isnt right of them to be doing this to me. I am so confused. ALl i know is i want him more than anything else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): OP thanks for the updates. It clarifies your situation.
Having had this background info: all I can now say, without bringing "dishonour" to your family, sit them down and TELL them the truth. They will not like it but what else can they do? Force u?
Can this man not send u money for a airline ticket? A one way ticket?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, daysofgrays +, writes (5 July 2011):
daysofgrays is verified as being by the original poster of the question"so your man of another race does not live in India? How can you "be with him" , is it is LDR?"
Yes, he doesn't live in India and it is an LDR.
"IS he in love with you? does he want to marry you?
15 years is a big age gap but if you are not worried about that, its ok?"
He is in love with me and want to marry me. We have discussed about this at my man's insistence and have taken time to think things through and I am bloody sure about it
and what it entails.
"just how committed is this man to you? can you see yourself with him as his wife and mother of his kids?
is he a single man?"
He is very committed and yep I can easily see myself with him as his wife and have kids with him. He is single and umarried. He isn't a total stranger anyway. Met him at my sister's wedding years ago, he is a good friend of my sister. We've been in constant touch every day since. Know his family, his situation and everything and how committed he is.
"Stand up for yourself. You only have one life to live so live it happily. Until you find a job, just keep going to the meetings and keep saying no. If they don't eventually get the point, you need to leave and be with your boyfriend or just find another home."
That's pretty much what my bf suggested too. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Although I am mentally preparing myself for the meeting, it is rather unnerving when I see how they are all aggressively pushing for this meeting to come off their way.
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A
female
reader, daysofgrays +, writes (5 July 2011):
daysofgrays is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, it Is an LDR And he doesn't live in India. He Is in love with me And would like to marry me. We've discussed heaps about the age gap, and I've thought it through and I am quite sure about it and what it entails. He is a single man, yep and I can easily see myself being his wife and having his kids. I know his family-his parents and sisters.. Speak to them even.
He is very committd. We are constantly in touch with each other every day...He is making plans to come here and talk it through although it has already failed once, albeit indirectly. Anyway, I am bloody confident and sure about it and him which is why we've continued for so long. And he is not a complete stranger either. Knew him well before we actually started talking together. My sister and him are very good friends. The whole family didn't mind him(even liked him) cos he was a friend etc. But they don't want to see him as a son in law cos it's taboo in society to marry outside your caste/race and it won't "look good" in front of all the other relatives, "
What will they think of us, we will lose family honor and shame, do you want to bring it upon us, it's better to make everyone happy and you'll eventually be happy too than do something selfish and make everyone unhappy... Etc etc
He wants to send me money so I can support myself until I find a job or even use it to get overseas if worst comes to worst and stay with my extended family there until things are sorted out again. But none of us wants to do that yet. We still want to try and convince my parents that he loves me a lot, would support and care for me even better than they do etc and he is the right man for me.
So, there are your answers Lovegirl.
And to anonymous, thank you for your reply. That's pretty much what my bf had suggested as well. Thank you all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): so your man of another race does not live in India? How can you "be with him" , is it is LDR?
IS he in love with you? does he want to marry you?
15 years is a big age gap but if you are not worried about that, its ok?
just how committed is this man to you? can you see yourself with him as his wife and mother of his kids?
is he a single man?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): You need to hurry and find a job so you can be independent. I know religion and culture is very important in your country, but you can't help who you fall in love with and you can't be persuaded into a life of misery just because they're your parents and they think they know what's best for you. You're 28 and only you know what's best for you at this point of your life. You deserve to be happy even if this doesn't make your parents happy. They're still treating you like a child,for example, a parent making their child buy ugly clothes for the school year that's not their taste. Stand up for yourself. You only have one life to live so live it happily. Until you find a job, just keep going to the meetings and keep saying no. If they don't eventually get the point, you need to leave and be with your boyfriend or just find another home.
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