A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m a 27-year-old female and I’ve been dating a 32-year old male for the past four or five weeks. Here’s some background info…We originally matched on Tinder back in October 2019 and began speaking but at that time I didn’t feel like it was the right time to start dating because I hadn’t long been broken up with and I kind of just went back on Tinder to “get back on the horse”. It’s bad on my behalf but after exchanging a few messages with him on the app, I ghosted him because I got scared and thought it was too soon to get back out there. Anyway, about a month later he added me on Instagram (my username must have been on my profile) and he started to speak to me on there, replying to my story and reacting with love heart eye emojis and that kind of stuff when i posted a selfie. He was very chatty and we had good conversations, but I was nervous about getting my heart broken again so when he asked me out, I said no and used the busy Christmas period and no free weekends as an excuse. But we carried on speaking throughout November and December. I started to warm to him. He must have asked me a total of five times to go out for a drink or go for food with him etc. In the end, I said sometime in the New Year would be best for me, thinking he would forget when it came to the time. I did like him but I was scared to get back out there and I thought he was a bit of a player because of what a friend had told me about him (she supposedly knew him but after speaking to him about her I think she exaggerated a lot).Anyway, I wanted to make a decision for myself as to what he was like so I ended up meeting him early January for a drink and we had a great date – we were out for six hours and both enjoyed. He said he wanted to see me again and I wanted to see him again too. The day after our first date, he asked me to go on a second date the following weekend and watch a rugby game with him in his city (he lives about 25 minutes away from me by car), and to go and have some drinks and food with some of his friends after. I made a joke about how it was a bit soon to be meeting his friends and he acknowledged this and agreed it was a bit soon, but said as long as I was happy with doing it he was. I thought it might be a good opportunity to see how he was around his friends. So I ended up going on the second date and it was a lot of fun – I met two of his friends and their girlfriends and it was a great night. The dates kept coming - the following week he cooked me food one evening for me. Then I asked him out the following weekend – again, another amazing date, we had lots of fun and got on like a house on fire. He actually told me that night he had deleted Tinder/Hinge during Christmas before we’d met, so that was a good sign for me. I still have the apps on my phone but I haven’t used them since I originally started speaking to him in October last year.Last weekend we both had plans with our friends, but he actually FaceTimed me when he was with his (they were all in the background waving to me) and afterwards said he did it because ‘He just wanted to say hi’. I thought that was really sweet, because we were both on nights out drinking so for him to be thinking of me when he was in that state was a good thing (at least I think anyway - a drunk mind speaks the truth and all that). The day after this he took me to his spa in the evening and then we chilled in his house and watched the Superbowl. On this date (because it was date 5) I wanted to see whether we were on the same page dating wise. I asked him if he was texting / dating / seeing anyone else and he said no. He asked me the same and I said no. Based on this response and the fact that we’d been on five dates and spent a lot of time with each other on those dates, I thought it was the right time for me to have sex with him. It’s worth mentioning that I’d stayed over his house and he stayed over mine after some of the previous dates (because of the fact we live in different cities) but we had only kissed in bed, never anything else. The following morning after I slept with him, we were lying in bed and I said ‘when am I going to see you next?’ and he said this week is pretty busy with work and family commitment (he started listing what he had on each evening) but said maybe on Sunday. It wasn’t the definite response I wanted but to not come across as needy I said ‘Ok well you let me know when you’re free and we’ll go from there’. So we both left at the same time to go to work – he kissed me goodbye,said have a good day etc – and later in the evening he messaged me to ask how my day was. He kept messaging me throughout the week but never asked to do anything on Sunday. That’s one thing that’s bothering me – I know he's been busy but why hasn’t he asked to see me again after the once-a-week date we’ve been having for the past few weeks? If he just wanted to have sex with me, he wouldn’t have carried on messaging me all week afterwards surely? The second issue is – and I don’t know whether this is because he’s a bit older than me – he has strange texting habits. The majority of the time it takes him hours to get back to me and I understand that he’s busy (I’m not a psycho and don’t expect him to spend all hours of his day messaging me). He isn't marries and he's defininely not in a realtionship, I know that for a fact, so it's not like he's hiding that drom me. But maybe he lied about not seeing other people? He told me on one of our dates that he’s not on his phone all the time and he puts it down to get on with stuff/plans he has. But what’s concerned me this week is that I’ve only had one message from him a day this week, whereas normally I’d get a few more. And the time it's taking him to reply is getting longer. Our messages are a little chunky but that’s because we get on so well and have a lot to say to each other. He didn’t ask me to do anything on Sunday which has disappointed me, especially because I feel like I’ve initiated the last two dates. He also has a habit of reading my messages and then responding hours – sometimes even the next day – later. It’s a different style of texting than I’m used to. Normally guys I’ve dated previously have constantly messaged me throughout the day. I actually prefer having less messages because it means there’s more to talk about when we see each other. But I’ve also learned from past experiences that when these messages get fewer and the breaks in between grow bigger, they lose interest not long after. I'm scared that's happening again. I purposely wanted to wait until we’d been dating a while until sleeping with him because I didn’t want him to walk away afterwards… and I also wanted to wait until I felt like it was the right time for me, which it was. But i'm scared this is happening.It’s been over 24 hours and he’s not replied to me yet, but he’s updated his Instagram story, he’s watched my Instagram story and he’s been online on WhatsApp numerous times today. My last message asked him questions about how his week had been etc so it’s not as if the message had nothing worth responding to…It’s not as if this is hugely different behaviour than what I’m used to from him – he’s not a big texter. In the beginning he did put more effort in, and i feel like he's pulled back a bit. But I don’t know whether it’s the fact he’s genuinely had lots on or whether he can’t be bothered to date me anymore… I don’t want to come across as needy. But I’d like him to text or at least call me more. Should I double message him? I’ve done that once before and he replied explaining he’d been really busy with meetings and work etc. Which is understandable. But because it’s the weekend where you’d think he’d have more time and he’s been online, I’m a bit worried he’s losing interest, which would be very weird after he tried so hard for months to get me to go on a date. It also bothers me that I’ve seen him like another girl’s pictures on Instagram throughout the week (hasn’t liked any of mine) and she has her boobs out in the pictures and mine are… let’s just say more classy.I know this probably sounds childish and psycho from me, but how do I deal with this? Especially because I want to carry on dating but I’m afraid he won’t ask me and I’ve also initiated the last two dates. It would be very weird for him to suddenly ghost me, when he's done this before he has eventually messaged me back and started the conversation again. But now I feel like the ball is in his court. And I hope he hasn’t just got what he wanted (sex) and thinks the chase is over so now he’s bored… My friends have given me advice but they're biased towards me. So any independent advice would be appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 February 2020):
 It’s really not hard to remember. It’s right there in front of you! His behaviour is showing exactly what he’s like.
He chased you hard because that’s what players do, they make you feel like a million dollars until they get into your underwear then it’s job done. You omitted the fact that he’s a pro rugby player which for me only bolsters the rep of a player. He will have women falling at his feet! Especially using tinder.
This is definitely a ‘told you so’ moment for your friend who was really trying to help you out on this occasion.
Draw a line under it, block his number and move on. Shit happens, no point dwelling on it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2020): I read your more recent response just now. I can still see you're a bit shookup about this player.
This line stood-out the most:
"I won’t be contacting him again, but the 180 change is hard to get my head around and trying to remember that he’s not the nice guy he seemed to be is tricky."
No it isn't! You're in denial, because you like him!
Remember you wrote this:
"I did like him but I was scared to get back out there and I thought he was a bit of a player because of what a friend had told me about him (she supposedly knew him but after speaking to him about her I think she exaggerated a lot)."
So it turns-out she's actually being a good friend; she didn't exaggerate after-all!
What's there to wrap your head around? He answers your messages hours later, and he's suddenly nonchalant and indifferent. Typical jock's style! An inflated-ego and a wannabee big-timer! A cold won't keep a real pro-athlete out of a game! Straight from hot to cold!
Do you want to know why?
It's a player's tactic. Shower you with praise, compliments, and attention. Beg to see you, invite you out for more dates, and shows you off to his buddies. Get you really fired-up and hot-n-bothered over his almost obsessive pursuit after you. Then suddenly, he goes cold. It left you reeling and confused!
That's the objective!
He's messing with your head, and getting even with you for the time you ghosted him. He is picking-up on the fact that you're going for the bait; and now he's exploiting your gullibility and vulnerability. He's testing you to see if you're an addle-brained bimbo that might be easy to use. The kind that will stick-around, even after being used and abused. All desperate and sappy!
Hard-up to find yourself a boyfriend!
Get a grip, girlfriend! Wise-up!!!
Ditch him, sweetheart!
Like I said...SWIPE LEFT!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 February 2020):
 Well NOW you know to BE OK with leaving him alone. And when you feel braver... BLOCK him on the number and Instagram, he doesn't NEED to follow you either, right?
And.... if you are looking to date with the intention of finding a BF/Partner then perhaps look elsewhere than Tindr. (not that I'm blaming YOU for having used it, just maybe try something less "hook up" ish..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments and advice. I hadn’t seen them before doing this, but I did message him on Sunday evening to ask if everything was ok, because he was strangely quiet. He read it and then messaged back a few hours later to say he thinks he caught my cold (I was ill the week before) and he needed to focus on getting better so that he could play a rugby game this weekend (he’s a professional and has been injured so it would’ve been his first game back, as he was hoping to be picked). His message seemed normal - asked me how my weekend had been but maybe he was a little less enthusiastic than I’d expect him to be. At the time I just put it down to him not feeling 100%. I replied a while after on Monday evening asking how he was feeling and days later he hasn’t replied. He’s been on WhatsApp and I can see he’s been on Instagram because he’s watched my stories. So he is blatantly ignoring me. It sucks and it’s confusing because he chased me for a long time and put so much effort into our dates and asking to see me. But I guess the chase is over for him and he’s now bored of me. I highly doubt he will message me now - I also know the game he was hoping to play in has been cancelled due to the weather, and he’s still not messaged, so it’s not even as if he was trying to get his head down and was focusing on that. I won’t be contacting him again, but the 180 change is hard to get my head around and trying to remember that he’s not the nice guy he seemed to be is tricky.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2020):
There is so much angst here OP, which makes me inclined to agree with WiseOwlE when he said you might not be ready to be dating at all.
There are several scenarios that are possible.
1. he ONLY wanted sex from you, so now that he got it, you won't be hearing much from him. (which to be honest, I'd tend to believe more if he was in his late teens or early 20's) And IF he ONLY wanted sex from you, then WHY would you want anything further to do with him?
2. he IS busy and has a lot going on. He might feel MORE secure with you now that you HAVE slept together, which means he puts forth a bit less effort. Which can be both a plus and a minus.
3. he did lie when you asked if he was talking to anyone else or seeing anyone else. Why he would lie is a little beyond me. Again he is 32, not 22. He introduced you to friends on a second date. Unless he likes to show up with a new girl on his arm as often as possible. You DID meet him on Tindr... a HOOK UP app. For argument's sake, LETS say this is who he is. That he lied and introduced you to his friends as some kind of game, then WHY on EARTH would you want to date him? Right?
If I were you I'd CHILL. The ball IS in his court. If he doesn't pick it up with in reasonable time, let's say a week or so... MAYBE you need to consider that he isn't REALLY looking for a GIRL Friend. But a GOOD TIME Girl.
I would NOT text him again either. He already knows that YOU are into him and want more. Because you ASKED to see him again the morning after sex and when he sort of BLEW you off (and yes, I think he did) with this laundry list of I'm OH so busy with ABC, instead of saying, I REALLY want to see you again but my week is going to be busy so it might be a short date this week or whatnot. I FEEL like if he was REALLY into you, he would MAKE time to see you or plan ahead if he REALLY is that swamped.
You ARE getting ahead of yourself, you have been on 5 dates THAT doesn't make it a relationship. And you already worry about boob pics on Instagram (stalking HIS account) and making up worse case scenarios (that he only wanted sex).
CHILL, lady. And honestly... I think for you 5 dates is WAY to fast for sex. GET to really know a guy before you commit your BODY. I think YOU read WAY more into things such as being introduced to his friends and their GF's. for some this MEANS something for others.. not so much. He could definitely land in the second category. If it was a git two birds with one stone kind of thing. As in, both see YOU and them. Instead of having to pick.
Get busy yourself, with work and your own friends. Don't sit around and wait for him to decide he wants to see you again or hook up. I might even say (though I don't like game-play) to be busy when/if he calls/text and ask you out IF it's the same day or one of the following days. Just to see how he handles this. It's NOT a good way to keep balance if YOU are ALWAYS available and drop other things for a guy.
Also, I don't know this guy, but DO you really want to be dating a guy who is following people who posts their boobs online and he "liking" their pictures? Food for thought....
Now I get it, you kind of like this guy. Enough to have sex with him. But you really don't know what he is looking for. What he is like. It's NOT hard to come across as a really great person on 5 dates, over some texting and messaging. You have "known" him what? 3 months?
Again, CHILL and keep living life without waiting with bated breath for him to reappear. You also keep mentioning that you are OH TOTALLY OK with him not texting much, but that is not actually true. That is you making up EXCUSES for him. Again, you really don't know him THAT well to know his texting habits, besides from what he TOLD you.
Lastly, if this are getting THIS "complicated" in your head, TAKE it as a hint that perhaps He isn't the right one for you, and that you perhaps are not entirely ready to be dating.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 February 2020):
 Each to his/her own when it comes to sex but 5 dates wasn't enough to sleep with him. At least I don't think so. 5 dates, are just that; dates. It in no way indicates that you're in a relationship and it definitely does not indicate that you guys are exclusive.
You decided, after talking to him, that your friend may have over exaggerated... My dear, has it occurred to you that he may be lying? I don't know. It seems like you've put all of your eggs in this one basket with this guy and yes, that does make you seem a tad needy because at this point, you're feeling guilty for giving yourself to him when actually you guys haven't even established what "this" is. So in all honesty, he's basically a free agent to do as he pleases. If he is seeing other people, he has every right to. He's a single guy after all. Your mistake was committing to a situation that lacked commitment. I'm not saying that he is running around, but if he is, he wouldn't necessarily be wrong for doing that. You guys met on a hook up app, not a dating website so naturally if he has ran away after getting the goods, that very well could have been his aim when he signed up. Every guy I've spoken to that's on Tinder has NOT signed up for a relationship. At all. They have an itch that needs scratching and that's it. I have spoken to females who have fallen for their Tinder matches like you have, and well let's just say that I'm yet to see one of these situations end well. I'm not saying that he is who your friend said he is, BUT let's face it, it's a possibility at this point.
All through your post, I gathered that you're trying really hard to excuse his behaviour and try to convince us that he is in fact, legit. You wouldn't be here if you 100% believe, yourself, what you're trying to sell to us. Let's start there. You've mentioned his terrible texting habits various times in your text and it's pretty irrelevant and seems, again, like you're trying to convince yourself that this is all that it is; bad texting. He will text back... Won't he? We don't know whether he will text back or not because we don't know this man and neither do we know what's running through his mind. We don't know if he's legitimate. We don't know if he actually likes you and is honestly busy or not. We can't answer any of those because we actually don't know, believe it or not... And there is no way to know for sure. I will say this; if you're stalking his Social media (which you ARE; stalking) then you're already so far gone and totally consumed with the crazy of wondering about this guy. He's got you. He's got you good. Now the ball is in his court... And he probably knows it. So, he will play things how he wants to, if he decides to text you back. You, will have to decide whether you have the energy for games and to wait around for a text from one guy when there are so many in this world, or whether you'd like to move on. I wouldn't text him again if I were you though. He has your number, he knows where you live and knows his way around your home so if he actually cares, he will actually care to rock up and make his presence known. As for you, try not to go crazy or stalk him anymore because that's the height of needy and desperate. Ms Big boobs isn't your concern so stop with the comparisons. Find another way to reassure yourself without dragging some unsuspecting female into what you're going through. I get that you're hurt (because you are) and questioning whether or not you done the right thing but don't let this drive you more crazy than it already has. He isn't worth it. At least, I think so. It's just a headache of a situation to be in. Not worth it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (10 February 2020):
I wouldn’t message him again. You gave him a text that he could easily respond to, if he doesn’t want to reply then that’s on him and you know what his motives were all along.
It’s crappy to be in that situation but it’s life. It happens. I wouldn’t beat up yourself up over it, how could you possibly know what someone’s thinking or feeling? It’s pretty rare for people to be up front and say early on ‘I only want something casual’ because of course that would put the majority of people off instantly which means no sex for that person and having to move on to someone else.
On the other hand, he could be really busy. This is slightly more hard to believe when you say he’s been uploading social media though. I think most people will have been in this situation where they feel the other person is holding back and reply’s really slow so you’re overthinking everything wondering if they’re as into it as you are etc but you can’t think like that. Just go with the flow and see what happens. If this lack of communication is too much for you then you’re well within your rights to end things and move forwards.
Don’t forget that your friend warned you about him! If he is as sleazy as she says he will be a master of charm. He made you think twice about the information she gave you and look where you are now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2020): You decided when it was right for "you" to introduce sex or intimacy into the picture. He's a guy, he's not likely to turn-down the opportunity. You met on Tindr, pretty well-known as a hookup-site; or where you find very casual love-connections at best.
Going on five-dates doesn't make it a relationship. You were dating. Messaging for men versus women is usually different; and you can't compare him to the habits of other guys you've known. No more than he can compare you to other women. You're in the introductory-stage of dating; so now you've become aware of quirks and habits he has that may turnout to be deal-breakers for you. He's still under evaluation; so this is the point where red-flags give you fair-warning!
You said you were ready when to introduce sex into this; but you should have also prepared for the probable outcome. You're not exclusive, and you're not official. Buyer's-remorse after sex only comes if you've jumped the gun!
You weren't ready, if you're having regrets about spending the night. If you didn't actually have sex; then there's no need for morning-after guilt, or feeling played.
If it seems boobie-pics are starting to show-up in his Instagram account more frequently than his responses to your text messages, and it appears he's becoming more distant. Hint hint!
Next time he calls, let him know that you may have gotten ahead of yourself a little. You can cut your losses and save-face at that point, and ditch him! Otherwise, you'll find yourself shamelessly competing with Miss Boobie-chick; and knee-deep in unnecessary drama!
Your friend did warn you about him!
He's not your official-boyfriend; so kicking him to the curb before you get too attached, or getting your feelings hurt, might be your best move.
Look how long your post is, you ARE coming across as a bit needy!
It is too soon to start dating; because you're freaking-out like you just got broken-up with again, or cheated-on! Your feelings and emotions are still raw! It's too soon, sweetheart! Give yourself a little more time.
You're subconsciously trying to find a replacement-boyfriend; and you're too vulnerable with rebound-feelings right-now! Your post-breakup hypersensitivities are being triggered; and you're going to take this way more seriously than you should. If you've blocked or ghosted people; you have to be able to take whatever you dish-out on other people. What goes around comes around!
Swipe left!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2020): You know OP, none of us know this man, or you, and so how are we to judge what his thoughts or motives may be? You did already have a friend, early on, give you some info that aparently was not favorable toward him, and you basicly threw her under the bus, revealing where you heard the unfavorable info from. Your man gave his rebuttle and you judged your friend to be exagerating, about this man, saying that you wanted to make a determination, for yourself! So there you are OP, make a judgement, for yourself!
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