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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi all, hoping for some impartial advice! A guy approached me on a night out and asked for my number. Was bit out of blur but he was cute so I said yes. He messaged me quite a bit and we arranged to meet for a drink. We were out with our groups of friends and ended up drunk and back at mine. We talked for most of the night, got a bit intimate, then laughed most of the morning. I wasn't expecting to like him as much as I did. He had not long got out of a relationship where his partner was unfaithful but he admitted that he was relieved as their relationship was volatile. Anyway, I still remained guarded and didn't expect him to message me again, but he continued to. He also came over again to watch a film and again for drinks. He mentioned this week that he always has to text me first, so we had a joke about it. Since then though, I feel like he's holding back. When we are together, he is very sweet and seems to be more into hugging than anything else. The thing is, I've started to like him, and now I feel like he's not interested. We still text but it takes him ages to suggest things to do! This time last week, I felt in control, now my feelings are all over the place! I've been on my own for a while but meeting him made me realise I've missed the companionship. I'm worried that I've inadvertently become a friend with benefits, and it isn't a label that I like or think I deserve. I want to tell him how I feel but don't wanna heap on the pressure so early on. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): Hi, I'm the OP, thanks so much for your responses. We had a chat today, and he admitted he had jumped into it and wanted to hold back, but that he did really like me so think he was torn. I feel so much better now that I know where I stand though, and he was nothing but sweet and grown up too. Thanks again :)
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 He could be feeling the same way, that is you are not that into him. I suggest give him a call and see if he can meet for a cup of coffee and have an open chat. Tell him you would like to be official. Worst he says he is not ready. You cannot sit by the phone and waiting for it to beep and get depressed over it. Take a risk, that is what life is about, You will know where you stand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): Go slow.He approached you on a night out, which means he didn't know you, he went based on your looks and got your number. Your actions since will indicate whether he should respect you or not. The red flag is that he not so long ago got out of a relationship, and secondly, because his partner was unfaithful which means there may be unresolved feelings. He didn't want to break up, he had to because he probably could not deal with it. Even though he says he was relieved as the relationship was volatile, many can say that just to make sure you don't feel threatened, or to make themselves feel better, or the situation not sound so sad or bad in their favour.He needs to process that before getting involved with anyone else, which is why I say go slow, so that you don't become the fwb until he finds what he is looking for, which may or may not be you.Well done on remaining guarded, keep it up until you know a bit more, and also know where you stand.The movie and drinks is good progress...Him mentioning he always has to text first may be his way of saying he also wants you to try. Remember, he has been cheated on, so his ego is dented, he probably feels insecure, so he wants to know you are interested too.Hugging at this stage is wonderful, it will give you time to get to know each other, and to take things slow. That is good. Him being sweet is also good, it doesn't sound like just fwb.Don't project your own fears. You have started to like him... you don't know if he is or not. Give him a chance.It takes time, you are not necessarily just a fwb. You are in the early stages, don't put pressure, don't be in a hurry, don't allow your mind to go crazy and don't over think it. Give him the benefit of the doubt, let him be in charge but send the occassional text to say you are thinking of him. Then let him chase. The fun is in the chase!Definitely do not tell him how you feel yet - it's way too soon! Rather stay in touch, wait for him to want to see you, and be your best. In time, his words and actions will show if he really is into you, or whether it was a short term thing while he decides what he wants to do with his life now he broke off the long term previous relationship.Carry on with your life, have balance and wait and see what happens. Enjoy it, this is the FUN part even though it's anxious times ;-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): Why aren't u communicating with him? U can't just sit back and expect him to do all the running. Text him! And u know what if he doesn't text u back it's his loss!! X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): Thanks for the advice! I've been a bit upset tonight as he hasn't messaged me, and I feel too scared to message him and be waiting on a reply. He has told me he messaged his last but one ex to apologise for treating her badly, as he broke off with her for his last gf two years ago. He said she accepted his apology and I've noticed they have become friends again. I keep thinking that they will end up back together, do you think my fears are warranted? I feel like I can't compete with someone he shared 3 years with :/
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 Relax, don't declare any undying love just yet. Also keep hugging but no sex and see what develops. Things take time.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 September 2013):
First of all, your instincts to not "heap on the pressure early on" are spot on! Telling someone how you feel at the wrong time can make them magically disappear.
Wait until you're sure he shares feelings with you before you reveal yours. Revealing your feelings before he's developed his own can make him feel to much pressure among other things. And it doesn't make him feel any closer to you if he doesn't already feel the same way.
Whether or not you're a booty call is mostly up to you. Many guys will default to FWB if you let them. You have to make them earn your affection. While they're trying to get laid, the two of you are having a good time, getting to know each other, and developing feelings. Before you know it, you're not a booty call, but a girlfriend.
The key here is that you make sure his actions match his words. Don't rely on what he says only, or you will get taken advantage of. If not by him, by someone else. There are plenty of guys who will pretend to like or love a girl if it gets them laid.
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