A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In the next couple weeks i will be marry to my longterm fiance. We had a weird and unique relationship. Everybody envy me because they think that he spoilted me too much. What others dont know is,our relationship is kinda odd because we keep fighting and had argument almost all the time. The urge of negative respond is almost dominating our communication. We fight from small to serious issues. From a conversation repond to fighting about his intrusive mother. I dont like his mother because shes so self centered and almost cant get on with everybody even with her own husband.However, although we always had arguments and fights, both of us have a full confidence that we will always be together whatever happened to us. He has a great great commitment with me. I never one time feel that he will really leave me. He told me that what happen to our relationship, we must remember our commitment to stay together. Whenever im angry, i ignored him and we keep no contact, he is always the one who start conversation and cool things down. It usually last less than a day. Sometimes i feel the confidence in knowing we never left each other is the reason we took each other for granted.The main problem is, he is not financially stable yet and we need to live in the same place with his parent. Sometimes i feel he cant really grow mature because of his parent. Theyre kind of parent who wont let his only son to grow his own ball and let him has his own family. Their family is so traditional. They keep their culture highly and lure and hold their money to control their children. his mother said she wont agree on our marriage if we dont live together. she wish that we could look after her in her later days and i think the prize is their money. all my fiance married siblings keep good relationship with them and depend on them financially. personally my fiance is the only son and based on tradition their will must be going to their only son. i know my fiance doesnt wish to have it. he just feels responsible for their parent. His mother is an example of woman who is difficult to deal with. She dares to speak her mind with a "real" word. On the day she came to my home for marriage proposal, she said to my parent that my age is good enough to marry as "shes not young anymore". Im 27. It hurts my feeling. My fiance had ask for marriage since 3 years ago which i dont said yes until recently is because his mom is an evil. She once said that my photoshoot prewedding makeup is too soft and simple that dont represent a bride. Im personally chose that style and she said that. I lose my patience to which i reply " by the way, what model of gown do you wear later on our wedding?" She said she custom made a gown and describe the gown to which i reply " oh isnt it an old fashion style? It may be look weird". Her respond was a bit confuse and struggling to give me proper respond " umm no i think it cant be ". I know his parent is proud to have me as their dil because of my family back ground. They told their relatives and friends about me became their dil. Tbh, my parent is much more successful and wealthy than them. We have a happy harmonious family. Thats why theyre so proud to tell everyone about me.. sometimes i feel that my fiance keep his commitment with me because of this too. He is a good good son who listen and try to make his parent happy type. Maybe he stick around me eventhough our relationship is not as smooth as before just to keep his parent pride? I dont know. Because he is also an extraordinary stubborn man type. I asked him if he really loves me or stay with me because of his parent. He said no one can tell him who he must be with. And if he really dont want to be with me how can his parent can make him be with me. Back to his parent, they fights seriously. Things broken at home, raising voices, and talked about divorces before. His mom left home for a week and she usually back home and things went back normal until this cycle happen again. My fiance said this happened since 30 years ago and he used to it.I dont know what im really want to ask. Im just confuse. I will be part of them in less than a month. I dont know what trouble will i face in the future and what should i do if they had a fights in the future. Im raised in a loving family and never face situation like that. What should i do to his mother?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2017): You are going to need to opt out of the whole thing and call it off!Scandalise them by getting the bus or train back home and see if hubby will follow you or if mooma and poona will return any money your family put in.If they are petty and unkind and fighting now they will just get worse when the house door shuts.They are probably arguing a lot over money!And you are the cause of the financial outlay in their minds.This will make them resentful of you.And the son is no man if he is just allowing them to fund him and expect you to suck up a load of bitterness afterwards.When the kids arrive they will want to hang on to them!It is a good option to break with tradition because this is the wedding culture thing!I wish you could leave and go back to a happy place with your own family who behave so much nicer.They probably dont even know how badly his family operates.Have you even hinted at the unhappiness in their home and the arguements?So how can your folks even help if you are busy keeping up the pretence now?How would you operate if they slapped you a bit and locked you in a room until your bruises went down? I imagine you would weep a lot and refuse to eat which wouldnt help you at all!What if they dont want you to leave the house the minute you get pregnant and tell you its bad for the baby?More pretences and weeping!Its your life so you figure it out but at least tell your mum and dad now whats going on!Imagine being expected to skivvy around mum in law because she spent all that money on your posh party!etc
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (5 August 2017):
It sounds as if you are too invested in being married to this guy. You fight all the time, he's not financially stable and you're going to live with his parents who fight violently. You may want to reconsider. I know you won't but it needs to be said.
If you won't delay things until he is more financially stable and you can live on your own. Talk to a professional about what you can do to improve your relationship and strengthen it against the problems you're going to have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): Hello.. im the op. I cant take him live with my family as he himself doesnt want it and his parent wont let him to. He is so obedient as he still rely financially on some occasion with them. They provided our wedding party cost. It is our culture for a bride to living in the place with their in laws especially if they got the only son.I just need some opinion and advice to deal with this.. i want my fiance can be a mature grown man although living with his parent. He has started a small business and it keep growing. I dont know why but i have some confidence in him that he will be succeed one day. He deserve to be succeed and its his priority right now. What i dont like is, he needs to get a permission whenever he needs some money like our honeymoon plan. He need to get their approval so that they give him some money for us. It makes me feel so intimidated. I guess if i compromised to live with them, sacrificed my privacy, they would be more considerate and let my fiance to manage the financial thing. But i realised that that couldnt be happen. They will keep taking control until theyre retired. Until they are old and sick enough for managing anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): If you want to be happy opt for a better married life and arrange to live with your own mom and dad!
You are about to become part of a dysfunctional family and that means lying about a whole lot of things to maintain their reputation.
When push comes to shove and and someone gets hurt you will end up saying they "fell over" or they will say that about you while you nurse a broken knee.
At least your family know what love is ,so get out of this family by taking you and fiance to your family and say "s*d tradition..I come from a LOVING family!"
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 August 2017):
 You have written a detailed account of your difficulties but one thing stood out to me. It was when you said: 'The main problem is, he is not financially stable yet and we need to live in the same place with his parent'.
You are accepting that as an undeniable truth but you are wrong. You can rent somewhere to live. If living with your in-law is going to cause friction then it is the obvious solution. It could just be a littler bedsit but it would be your own.
I am assuming the parent doesn't live in a mansion in which you could section yourself off and never see her.
However on a broader note, do you think the fact that you and your fiancé have so many disagreements makes a good basis for a marriage? If you are arguing now what will it be like in a couple of years time when the money troubles kick in and the baby is screaming?
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