A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am mid 30s have been married 12 years and have no children. Each day I put up with arguments with my husband. I feel put down, undermined and belittled. He seems to critique things that I do around the house and pulls me up if they are not how he likes them. I have read about emotional abuse but I'm not sure its the whole deal with him or whether I'm just trying to give it a name tag. When I am driving with him as a passenger I feel totally on edge as he comments in sarcastic or shouting voice at what I do. When we have run out of something food-wise he gets annoyed so quickly - whereas I just think this kind of thing is 'nothing'. He gets annoyed at other drivers or things generally in life to the point that I arrive somewhere feeling nervous and unhappy. Little by little I have noticed that I have started to do things just to please him and keep the peace which annoys me because I am an independent lady at heart and just seem to have lost direction in my life. The other really horrible thing is that I am relieved when he leaves the house in the morning and never plan an evening because I am always on edge when he gets back and feel that whatever I am doing has to stop. If he watches TV and I am not there with him for half an hour or so he shouts up at me "What are you doing?" I feel told off and unable to continue it even though I do not wish to watch whatever he is watching on TV. Over the last 12 months we have moved to be near his job and I left my job and friends behind. Although he goes out with his work friends regularly, thinks nothing of going off for days or weekends with little regard for me I have nothing and he has taken me out just twice in 12 months for a meal at a local restaurant. I have become a shadow of myself. The local area is rough and I don't feel safe. As you can imagine with his attitude towards me I have withdrawn from physical contact because it just feels so wrong. I cannot 'fake it' but he is seething with resentment at our lack of sex life or my lack of warmth which he thinks is my fault. At Xmas (even on Xmas day) while I slept he looked at porn and I caught him. He told me he didn't like me and what I offered anyway..... and then yet only the other day he said "I had an amazing figure but just heavily disguised it." (meaning under my tracksuit or jumper etc). I never feel sure what I look like. Since those personal comments on Xmas day in particular (which are in no way the first)I have completely withdrawn. My problem is that I think I want to leave and this feeling wells up inside me very strongly sometimes I want to run away but I have a dog which I adore and would need to sort him too, could not leave him, feel I could be happier on my own but because this has been going on for over 10 years I don't know how to get out of it. We have no children - I know he would love some but I could not imagine having them with him and them living through this unhappiness. I seem to cling to the familiarity of this situation even though it's awful - have I got used to being this unhappy how can I just make decisions for myself? I feel I am pathetic and I wonder when he says I having "nothing" without him whether he may be proved right. Has anyone got any advice? Been in a similar situation and how did you finally decide to get out? Any help so appreciated. I am currently renting a property with him and the tenancy is due for renewal (or not) in a couple of months - think this is also making me think. Thank you.
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emotionally abusive, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dannybmore  +, writes (9 November 2010):
Have you ever tried to sit down with the man with an open mind and ask him just what is the matter? If you did, did you try to meet him halfway?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): im a 34yr old woman with two children under 8yrs, i was in your shoes this time last year, fighting all the time over nothing, feeling lonely nd run down, i couldnt think straight, crying all the time.... i felt selfish and that i would let my family down if i called it a day, also felt i was letting mysef down big time..we split up bout 3.5yrs ago but got back together as i felt i owed it to my family... in feb last year i talked to my husband and told him how i felt, even sugested help but he would not go.. so i made the choice to leave.. i will be hard for you to make this choice, so be for you do sit down and think things through and do alot of talking with your partner and i mean alot of talking, also get help if you can, you will go through alot of ups and downs if you leave as i did, but for me it was the right choice, im still single after a year and go through my ups and downs, but am i happy! yes, there is no fighting i dont feel that lonely as i av great family and friends.. so think before you jump... good kuck x x x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 February 2008):
 Before you want to leave , you might want to try to change the situation if you can. If he can be persuaded to do as you want then you need not leave.
You can put your needs and wants to him in a nice way and if it wont work, then you need to take stronger actions.He has taken you for granted and emotionally and mentally abused you till you have no confidence and have a low self esteem.
If all your methods failed, then you leave him or boycott him . When you are not there, he will realize what he will miss.
When you are there, they don't know how to appreciate you . When you are gone , they will feel your absence and may feel that it is not you who is weak or dependence upon him but it is he that is weak and needed you. You did everything for him and when you are not there, he has to do it himself. He will ask you to come back and you only go back on your terms.
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A
female
reader, chocolatemouse  +, writes (5 February 2008):
 I know where ur coming from on this question, you have sacrificed so much of yourself to be with him yet their is nothing in return.Being taken for granted and put down is a terrible feeling and often goes in a vicious cycle.My ex was like this even after leaving him just a week to wake him up only gave a short term fix to the relationship.If you know you have tried all you can for the relationship,move on, its been too long and he is obviously ignorant to the situation.Its a human right to be happy in life, not a privelage, so cut all ties clean, especially as you are young.A great idea is to start studying/new job/new hobbies it will boost your confidence like you wouldnt believe,and will help you regain a sense of self and make new friendships. Best wishes with all, I really hope things work for you and be strong!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): Hi Hunny
Yes I have been in your situation and it is emotional abuse, He has a very bad anger issue and constantly get to you through his own insecuritys to have some sort of control in his life. Hunny you have to make plans to leave before you get very ill, I dont care what some people may say that marriage has to worked at and so on, Yes marriage does need the couple as a whole to put in the equal amount of love, comunication, trust e.t.c But when its gone this far and you have been given no respect and the dog is probably treated better than you then its time to get your independence back and start to rebuild your bubble that has been burst. Victims support can help they helped me alot, also the citizans advise centre can point you in the right direction for legal advise and housing and such things. You can meet up with victim support outside the home anywere and hunny they are on your side to help if you need to talk, find housing, go with you to court, anything you find difficult at this hard time. He is a bully, He puts you down and makes you feel worthless, When infact you are the complete opposite and you must never forget that, Dont walk on egg shells, Let his shouting go over your head , Dont react like he is now used to infact do the opposite of everything you have been doing, Get yourself back, The stronger I became the weaker my husband got and with the help of the people I have named I got out and got on with my life and became a stronger person for it.
http://www.victimsupport.org/vs_england_wales/coping_with_crime/specific_crimes/dv.php
Hunny there is a link for you I hope this helps message me if you need a chat TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (5 February 2008):
 I can't really offer any advice. Seems like you are in the final stages to me. The realisation this relationship is fizzling out.
Not much help am I? But even confirmation helps.
Good luck, Richard
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