A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 22 and have been with my boyfriend whos 26 for 5 years....the problem is im very lazy when it comes to sex...he wants it everytime we see each other...but when i go to bed all i really want to do is sleep is this bad? my boyfriend is very attractive in great shape etc i feel bad for saying no...but when im tired i really dont want it does this happen to anyone else? Were very affectionate ppl we kiss alot cuddle etc and we get on great but im just not mad on sex! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Then mix it up. Are you ever attracted to him sexually? If you still feel any urges for him, do it differently and at different times. Don't wait until you're in bed! Have sex as soon as you both get home. Have sex some Saturday morning before getting OUT of bed. Take it out of the bedroom and ride him on the couch. Skip the usual intercourse and just 69. Maybe involve toys. Ask him to give you more foreplay, such as asking him to eat you for a while and see if he can't get your interest aroused. If he usually is on top, take charge. If you usually have to do the work, make him take control. Consider bringing out flavored lube, or warming massage oils, or soft straps to tie each other down, or sexy lingerie, or blindfolds, or even just one of those calendars with a different position to try each night (even if you only use one per week).
Barring that, I've heard from many women that ACTING sexy makes them FEEL sexy, as counter-intuitive as that is. Wear sexy underwear, or go on a date not wearing any at all (and tell him so), or send him text messages during the day saying your thinking about him, or suggest going away out of town for a couple of days, or even just pursue him some day when you're not sure you're feeling it... just to see if you can get into it after you've started. The advice I've often heard is that the more you HAVE sex, the more you WANT sex (though I cannot confirm that one from experience).
If you simply cannot care about sex with him, you need to sit down and talk to him, perhaps with a counselor, to see if there's some reason for it. Are you feeling unsupported emotionally, or distant in the relationship, or taken for granted, or feeling like he never helps around the house, or worried that his attention is wandering, or stressed about your own job, or depressed, or sick, or suffering low body image for yourself, or are you just bored?
But men are deeply affected by how desirable they feel. Many studies have shown (sadly I have no good link, so you'll have to trust me on this) that men who feel that their wives are not sexually attracted to them suffer increased depression, lowered self esteem, lessened job satisfaction (yup, it affects things other than your marriage), and an increase in health problems. If you CAN get more interested in sex, this DOES affect his mental health and make him feel loved and wanted and confident in the same way that you wouldn't feel loved if he never kissed or cuddled you and never listened to how your day was or even reassured you that no, your butt does not look fat in that. Men are still cavemen at heart, no matter how mature and kind we may be, and sex is important to us.
So no, you DON'T have to "put out" for him, but you're BOTH missing out on intimacy and a closeness in your marriage and you owe it to BOTH of you to experiment a little, talk about it a lot, and see if you can't find that spark you've lost.
A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 If there's nothing new to it, if it became somewhat a routine, It can be dull for one or both party. I think we all get in those at times, it's important to bring innovation in that department once in a while.
I know that I'm usually more aroused when I try something new.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Then don't do it when you are tired? Do it when you are still fresh.
Who says you have to do it AFTER going to bed as well?
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