A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a situation and I don't know what to do for best.I would like to hear from any parents here...To start, I'm 20 years old and have been in a relationship with a guy of 32 (33 next month) for just over a year. I do love him but I'm unsure about settling down - I want to go to Uni etc... Herein lies the problem...He has two kids, girl of 4 and son of 8. The girl has started to tell me she loves me when its me n her together and I'm not sure I am ready to stay with this man forever, let alone love his kids. I do like her but she's just like any kid I'd see of a relative - I don't feel protective of her or anything like that.However I'm not ready to say goodbye to the Dad cos I love him but just want to keep the step parent thing right out of the equation...How can I do this without offending him? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): No revolving door doublejack. Just a single mother dating who had a more than one boyfriend in that time.
"Revolving door" what a sneaky little nasty insult that is, to try and counter what I said, nice little side swipe there, do you often call peoples mothers sluts just to refute what they say? Well perhaps if you weren't so afraid to let people in to your life and stopped wrapping your "little angel" in cotton wool you might be more successful at this whole dating thing.
You see my mother had a life, she was an adult who dated and enjoyed her life, was she going to stop living her life because she wanted "protect" me from the big scary prospect of me getting to know someone and them leaving? No, people come and go in our lives that's the way the world is. So later in life when your daughter is curled into a corner crying for daddy because she can't handle that fact, come back here and we'll help you with that. Because you see doublejack I learned that lesson young. I learned how to deal with the fact that that relationships and friendships end and while I learned that lesson my mother had successful and fulfilling love life. So good luck with that whole "too afraid to get attached or take a risk with anyone in case they leave your daughter" thing. It's not nice to be alone but at least your daughter will be protected right? Oh wait, that's right, she'll learn that it's better to be afraid of commitment just in case things don't work out, just like you. It's better that she has a lonely father that won't take a risk with love unless it's guaranteed that the woman is going to become your daughters step mother. Good luck with that man. OP is not the only woman that finds that too much pressure to handle but at least her guy took that risk, at least he got one good year (so far) of love this girl a woman who loves him and is looking for a solution to this. Will his kids be disappointed if she goes? Yes, will they be a little bit hurt if she goes? Yes. Will they get over it? Without a doubt they will and they'll be better for having known her, they'll be better for that experience because they'll learn two of the most important lessons in life. One, love is always a risk and it's a risk worth taking, and two, people you love will come and go in your life, you accept that and you move on. It's not something to fear, it's not something to be afraid of, it happens and life is a lot easier when you accept that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): Hi
I became a step mum to four....in your situation i would still focus on university plan etc....and not take the role of step mum on just yet it is early days....become friends first....and instead of maybe feeling not ready when you here his little girl loves you...just love her back ....love comes before the role in my opinion and love is not feeling trapped its just giving...it's simply been a loving positive person that his little girl enjoys been around and vise versa. Have time for your life and as long as you fulfill what you want to do...the rest may follow.
I would have quality time with his little girl ...paint her nails...do her hair...be a girly friend to her and let things take their natural course. You were a little girl once think in these terms. Good luck and i hope everything turns out well for you...you are only young and still need fun and nights out with young friends this should not stop...but one day if you do become a step mum....it is a very important role and can make a huge difference in both yours and childs life....blood biological and then we have MOTHER TEREZA i believe she was a MOTHER...So never underestimate the role of been a STEP PARENT..blood is not A GOD GIVEN love as many would have us believe.
GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING....
Spunky monkey
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A
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reader, doublejack  +, writes (11 February 2011):
I think Cerberus was a little off on his view of the relationship between children and the people their parents date. I've been on my own for almost two years now, and in that time I have only introduced one woman I've dated to my daughter. I have to see a girl for a couple of months before I take that step, and I have to feel that there's potential for a legit LTR (in my case the woman was only 22, just out of university, and she expressed concerns similar to what you are. I backed off and we're just friends now, although we still have feelings for each other. It is kind of unconventional/complicated and I hold out hope that when she's ready to settle down she might come back to me). Maybe Cerberus had a revolving door of men coming into his life, which is why his view is what it is. I don't know. But I do know that my daughter can easily become attached to someone, and I take precautions to protect her.That said, you posted this statement: "If I stay with this man maybe I could keep our relationship separate from his with his kids."I'm sorry, but that just isn't possible or fair or realistic. Again, the kids are part of the package AND this relationship has lasted for one full year+ now AND this guy is approaching his mid 30's. Given the circumstances, it is no surprise the kids are getting quite attached and that this guy is talking about a family situation. You can throw the brakes on to stop things from progressing any further, but you can't backtrack now. He can't continue to see you and "hide" you from his kids.You also run the risk of offending this guy to the point that he breaks things off with you. I implore you to choose your next move wisely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I am the original person who wrote this question.To clarify: He is the one actually talking about how he sees us as a family and he has only just started saying it and it scares me to no end.Your wrong about kids not caring a less - I too had divorced parents and I loved my step-dad and would have been gutted if he'd left us.Quite frankly I didn't like the tone you used. I was only asking for advice because I have never been in this situation before and wondered what my priorities should be.If I stay with this man maybe I could keep our relationship seperate from his with his kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): Unless you get married then you're not going to be a step parent.
I actually don't know what it is you're asking to be honest. If you're freaking out because you feel the kids are becoming too attached to you and you don't think you'd be able to leave if they do, then don't, they're kids if you were to go you'd be forgotten in a couple of weeks, trust me I was raised by a single parent, my mam was my mam and he boyfriends were friends but if they were gone then it didn't matter.
Look you're not their mother and you never will be. If they have an emotional attachment to you it's as a friend nothing more.
You don't approach it with him because there isn't a problem is there? You don't owe those kids anything other than being nice to them, that's it.
Now you know after 1 year with this guy that they're part of his package, you can't suddenly turn around and tell him that you want nothing to do with them can you? If you think that you're anything more to them than a friend or that you're somehow responsible for them then think again, because you're not.
Now if you're unsure about settling down then I'm afraid you've picked the wrong guy to be with in a 32 year old parent. He is settled, he can't exactly travel anywhere long term, he is where he is now and he's bound to those kids forever. So if you want to go off and travel go to uni and all that kind of stuff you either have to do it close to where he is or maybe your lives are just going to go down different paths. It's not unusual for this to happen in relationships with such a big age gap.
There is no way you can put his kids out of the equation, the only way is to dump him which you don't want. But honestly if you even bring anything like that up about his kids the choice for him will be simple because there is no choice.
I'd say talk to him about your fears, do not say it the way you said it here because honestly it sounds weird, you have a strange idea of what's going on and you shouldn't because you're with him a year. Ask him the situation, talk about the future etc and see how it goes from there.
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reader, doublejack +, writes (11 February 2011):
As a single parent with primary custody of an 8 year old, I have to tell you that the kids are part of the package. If you truly love this man, then taking on the role of step-mom is not an option - it is part of the deal.I understand your trepidation, though. You are very young still and this is a lot to take on. My advice is to not rush into anything. If this man loves you, he'll be very understanding and not push you to settle down. I'm 34 and have dated women as young as 22, so the age gap is very similar. I don't push the pace beyond what they find comfortable (if anything I probably move a lot slower than they want me to). I know that a woman in her early 20's is still figuring life out and finding her path.Do you know if this guy is looking to settle down ASAP, thinking of more kids, etc? If he is, then he should be dating a woman closer to his own age.
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