A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am very insecure about my boyfriends female friend.They have been friends for 5 years and have only met twice within the 5 years. She lives in another part of the country.They met online but he decided he just wanted to remains friends with this girl while she originally wanted something more. They kept in touch then almost a year ago I came along.I know I shouldn't feel insecure but I do. My bf has reassured me over and over that they are just friends and I believe him. The other night she drunk messaged him from her holiday in Spain and it bothers me to no end. When she initially heard about me from him she asked him should himself and her stop talking to each other.I can't help feeling so insecure about this whole thing. I wish it would go away. I keep imagining all these scenarios in my head. Even though he tells me they are just friends (I 100% believe him) It still makes me very upset. Can someone help me? I am worried if she asks for him and her to meet up again, she won't want to meet me, but again that is in my own imagination. I am also worried if that was to happen he would meet her without saying anything to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2018): I understand your feelings and concerns. Although this may appear to be the 'safetest' friendship your boyfriend can have with another female.. it also may be the easiest way for him to cheat. Emotionally cheat on both of you, by having his long distance girlfriend, and you, who is there by his side. You provide all the physical needs, she provides all the emotional needs. How can you tell if he is indeed cheating on you? You can tell. It depends on the frequency of their contacts, their dialogues, and how he treats YOU. If you're upset and insecure over occassional random texts or comments/likes on social media, then yes, you are acting like an insecure teenager. But if you are noticing more and you feel the detachment from your boyfriend, then I would say trust your gut and have a long chat with your boyfriend, bringing into light what you've observed and how those observations are bothering you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2018): There is nothing wrong with you, OP. Your concerns and feelings are valid.
I would not like my bf having a long distance "girlfriend" for 5 years either. Other women who are "friends" are always a threat to your relationship. Don't care what anyone else says. They are that new flavour of candy forever dangling in the candy shop window.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2018): If you were a teenager or in your early 20's, I'd get it. You're more mature than that. They've been friends for 5 years. In all that time, have only met a couple of times? There is no romance there! They're merely social media contacts; and your problem is only the fact that she's female.
He is not responsible for the scenarios that go on in your head. That's not reality; that's caused by jealousy and insecurity. You don't get to pick his friends.
I think what you should be more concerned about; is if he tires of your schoolgirl-insecurity and immaturity. He just might dump you for that reason alone. That's being clingy and possessive. He's not a piece of property to fight over.
If you want a working and lasting relationship; you'll have to develop some trust, and keep both your imagination and insecurities in-check.
You're mature enough to handle this. He doesn't have to get rid of his friend due to your "insecurity."
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 July 2018):
 Get some therapy. I know some say "you don't need therapy, you just need to get over it", but therapy is there for a reason and if you pay for it, you get a service. At the very least, paying for one or two sessions could give you some good techniques to improve how you feel about it.
They've met twice in person. If they were more than just pen pal friends, they would meet more frequently. The UK is big-ish, but not so big that they couldn't meet once per year, if they wanted to. You know this. You believe him that they're just friends, then think he may meet her again without telling you?
OP, why don't you say "if you ever do want to hang out with her again in person, I'd love to meet her - we could even turn it into a weekend away for us, where we meet her on the first day and do things just the two of us for the rest of the trip", then he knows you'd like to be introduced someday.
Point is, they're just friends and, of all the friendships he could have, it seems like one of the safest it could be. You need to seek some help to stop being worried about it.
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