A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I would appreciate some advice on this situation. My bf and I have been dating for several months, we started long distance bc of college a few months ago, but we aren't out of hs we met at cc. So we started out as friends and we are each other's first relationship and we take our relationship and dating seriously.I would say I am the more independent type, I like to do my own thing and not care much about what others say. This really changed since dating since now we are together and I really love him deeply. I am still independent, but I have become more outwardly affectionate that I am normally. What's been bothering me is my own insecurities and jealous tendencies, and my bf not fully understanding where I'm coming from in certain situations.He became friends with a freshman who is in his church and housing at his new college, and told me they aren't necessarily close but he's closer to her than the other girls. This doesn't bother me except a few instances: they had each other on find my friends a few weeks after meeting, having study dates, walking to class together, occasional lunch. I didn't know about this until he brought it up 3 months later, casually, and I was mostly upset about the location (he still has hers btw). He said it didn't feel like a problem since she is younger than he is and he views her like a sister, and she knows about me and our relationship. I tried understanding this, but I communicated that it still made me uncomfortable and maybe she should try to confide in the sisters/roommates more about her problems instead of my bf. I believe casual lunch and study dates are fine, but it seems like she's always initiating the meetings to catch up since they don't have a class together so it's purely to keep each other company (his words)Anyways, I appreciate him being open to me about when she asks to hang out. But we had an argument last week because I lost my cool and let my emotions take over what I said. I was skeptical of why she asked to study during his break before a meeting, unless he told her about it or suggested it (he previously said he was going to try to distance himself and not get emotionally attached). It seems like they share an emotional connection, many inside jokes and sometimes she brings him food she cooks too. I know it's probably innocent, and I should be a better gf and understand but it's hard when we are long distance and I feel like he's replacing my attention with hers at school. I want to speak to him about this, and keep my calm and come to a resolution together. I feel like he's pulling away with this and isn't going to be open anymore about his friendship with her, afraid of how I'll react or be upset. That wasn't my intention to make him uncomfortable, but he makes me feel like I overreact and that my feelings are invalid sometimes.. I can't help that I really care about him and our relationship, and I've contemplated that my jealousy caused from this situation is unhealthy and I should take a step back from dating. I'm really confused and it's so hard to find time to even talk about this with our schedules, but I don't think we should pretend we are fine and happy when this affects my anxiety and emotions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwl, you are definitely right. I know my boundaries and I value our relationship but I also value my mental health and happiness. I think I've been exposed to toxic friendships/relationships in my life in general, so I really want to be in a relationship where we bring each other peace and joy, not anxiety. I do feel happy with him and have a lot of love for him, but whenever I think about this girl and their friendship or his actions it makes me pull away and distant. I feel like I'm slowly trying to branch out and make more friends at my school, more connections, hobbies, and things to keep me busy so I'm not focused on what he's doing. And I'm not sure if this is necessarily healthy; shouldn't you want to know what your partner is up to and doing? I feel like I don't want to be disappointed or have another episode of feeling anxious and sad. I've been pulling away recently, emotionally and physically. I let him know how I've been in a bad head space lately, and he knows I'm overwhelmed with classes, internships, clubs, etc. as he is. I just want to figure out how to find the right balance, and I know the only way to do that is communication - the LDR is definitely a stumbling block for us in that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2020): Let me ask you this. Who's feelings come first? Yours, or hers?
He can't leave you anxious and concerned, to protect her feelings! That nonsense goes only so far!
He's your boyfriend. Protecting "her" feelings is not what it's about! If she's so young and delicate; then he's too old to be her friend!
People think they're dating! That's what she wants it to look like! She's dressing the stage for that appearance.
Once you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, the boundaries are set. Your friends, family, and your best-buds respect your partner and your relationship.
You must fully understand that his feelings and love for others in his life, extend beyond his romance with you. He is entitled to have friends, and so are you. By the same token, these friends are required to know the difference between what is a romantic-connection; and what is defined as a platonic-relationship. There should be no blurred-lines!
He's toying with her affections, and stringing her along; if he can't keep her from getting infatuated. If she is as young and immature as he claims, how does she qualify as a friend for someone his age?
Like I said before. When this becomes a source of agony, distraction, and anxiety; that means it is time to let it go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2020): Tell him you have a new best friend.His name is Harry and you study together have lunch together and just the other night he slept over because you studied so late.oh yeah and he is younger than you.But tell your boyfriend do not worry because you think of him as your younger brother so nothing will happen.oh yes do not forget to tell him you meet at church so it is all ok. Tell him this...his reaction will tell you all you need to know.Yes he is a cheater stop making excuses for him!!!Wake up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear WiseOwl, thank you for such a thorough and well written response. I just want to clear up a misconception: we are not hs sweethearts, we started dating second year of junior college but we transferred to different colleges, he therefore is 2-3 years older than this "girl-friend." We still make time to visit and see each other during breaks/holidays, but not often especially this quarter. Our relationship is a first for both of us, and I agree that long distance shouldn't be done unless we have a solid foundation to our relationship, which I assumed we had. We met each other's families, and have the same outlook on many things; which is why I don't completely understand his friendship with her since we spoke about boundaries before.We already discussed her and this issue several times. I feel like I try to not let my temper or frustration get the best of me. I have no ill feelings towards her or any of his friends that are girls. I think a healthy relationship involves having a diverse group of friends. I'm more irritated with how he may be giving her particularly special attention without realizing it himself, and I see it and those around him noticed it too (a friend of hers thought they were dating). So you can see why I'm frustrated that the person I'm in a relationship with for months, pursuing a life together, has trouble setting a boundary with this girl and having a serious conversation with her. He didn't even want to bring up the location sharing directly so he just removed it without her knowing, but she got a new phone and resent her location to him. So I'm just confused bc he isn't taking initiative to respectfully say "hey I don't think I need to have your location, or you to have mine, as friends." I'm not asking him to cut her off or be rude, I think he is afraid of hurting her feelings or pushing her away bc he will miss the attention. He is more responsible than she is for setting the boundaries for their friendship in respect to ours. She is younger, naive, and immature (his words) when it comes to dating in general, so she probably likes having his attention and spending time, I can't be sure of her intentions since I never even met her. I just wonder what he is so afraid of that he just allows things that bother me to continue to happen, waiting for the right "time"?She asked him to study a few days ago, he called me and we ended up wasting over an hour discussing it and ruining each other's day. i brought it up today since he met up with her for a church thing, and it seemed like he was stressed and said he didn't wanna talk about her, and also mentioned that its actually hard for him to hang out with her since she can be immature and energy draining. I told him let's just communicate better next time and dropped it there since he is busy this week. I don't want this to be a distraction to my studies and lifestyle, and it already is doing its toll on my mental health as I already have anxiety and fall into phases of depression since being away from home. I don't think I would necessarily end the relationship at this point, since I know he wants to be open and honest with me but I'm just not satisfied with how he's handling the situation, and I can't really do anything but sit back and watch.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2020): [Edit]: Typo corrections
"If you're an unmarried-couple (regardless of age) in an LDR; there is a time-limit to how long you should hold-on and wait."
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2020): Your jealousy and insecurity under the circumstances is normal. Long-distance relationships can be stressful and challenging; because trust is the only thing holding them together.
Young-people in high-school are just beginning to discover new things about their bodies; while experiencing for the first-time what it feels like to form romantic-attachments. Meanwhile, they are still making a transition from childhood to puberty, and onward to adulthood. Their bodies usually develop far beyond their psychological-development; so they form attachments as pubescent-sweethearts, but it's a learning-process as you go.
Girls develop and mature psychologically faster than boys at the same chronological-age. When you form these budding-romances in high-school; girls tend to fall deeper in-love than boys. Adolescent-boys simply don't have the maturity to know their true-feelings; and they don't daydream and ponder over high-school puppy-love like girls do. They feel the same emotions, they just don't express them the same as females do.
We get hundreds of posts like yours from girls and young-women; because they cling to their first-relationships, and can't understand why their boyfriends don't seem to take their relationships as seriously as they do. Guys on the other-hand grapple with their sexual-urges and surging-hormones; and are learning how to bring them under control and direct them towards the one-girl they choose to be a girlfriend. That's hard for a guy! Who hasn't matured enough to understand how she feels; and isn't mature enough to stay committed and maintain a singular-attachment to one girl. Pretty-girls are flocking around him, and he still thinks like a kid! Sometimes his hormones scream louder than his common-sense! Girls are wrestling with their hormones too; but try to keep them directed towards that special-guy. Either is very capable of cheating; so don't get it twisted! You're separated, you're very young, and you get lonely. Temptation comes along, and that's it!
He's placing it all on you to deal with it; and to be understanding, when it seems it's just too convenient and lopsided! He's sitting pretty, and you're worried!
I don't advocate for, nor condone, long-distance romances; unless you are mature, your relationship is well-established, and both parties are equally committed to it.
If you are well-established, you will be less likely to let distance strain your emotional-bond and romantic-connection to each other. You'll still feel the strain, the pressure, and longing; but you have to have a mutual-agreement, and an understanding of when you will be together again. Only your age-group can't handle distance and separation that well! Youthful-romances aren't that emotionally-binding!
If you're an unmarried-couple [regardless of age), there is limit to how long you should wait. You may need to move on; and find a new relationship when the strain of separation becomes stressful, and you find yourself agonizing over it. If you you're becoming highly suspicious of your partner. If your gut says there's something that's just not right! When your thoughts become too focused on the relationship; while everything else in your life starts falling apart. Your studies start to fail, you become anxious, you lose your concentration, and your worry leads to panic. This is likely to a happen to someone as young as you are. You claim you're independent, well that independence is limited without the benefit of life-experience.
He has to understand that he can't have his cake and eat too. By this, I mean you're supposed to trust him being friends with a young-freshman who cooks for him, studies with him, and spends a lot of her time trying to be around him. Females are very intuitive on the intentions and ways of other females; and know how your feelings and feminine-emotions work. It is unlikely she feels she's just a friend, and he isn't discouraging her. He's encouraging her (intentionally or unintentionally...that's to be determined); because he feels the benefit of female-companionship without you there. Trust me, were the situation in-reverse; he wouldn't like it one bit! Then there is insecurity, that will make either of you paranoid; and you'll lose your focus and sense of priorities.
You've chosen to bind him to your high-school romance; while he's away attending another school. You insist on keeping an immature adolescent-guy bound to a committed-relationship; that started between a couple of high-school students. While he is experiencing college-life away from home, and out of reach. That is a tall order to fill for either of you.
You'll have to think this whole thing through. Get your priorities straight! You're in school, and your studies come first. He insists on keeping this "girl-friend;" while having a girlfriend! Which guys know good and well, that females don't go for that mess!!! He wouldn't like you telling him you have a guy-friend, who cooks for you, studies with you; and tags along like a little puppy everywhere you go. She's like a little-sister? Yeah right!!! He is placing undue stress on your LDR; if he stupidly thinks being open about it helps! That only makes it stressful and more questionable. She may be working on him to divert his feelings towards her. Maybe he may be waiting for you to finally let-go of your high-school romance. If you've avoided this discussion, now is the time. Dude, what's up with you and this girl???
Distance tends to pull very young romances apart. He has found a friend to ease his longings. Maybe it's time you do the same.
I think you should start dating other guys. But first, tell him he has to make a choice.
You've already informed him that you don't feel comfortable being long-distance; if he's having girls who are friends, but you're not making guy-friends. Then you have to be strong enough, mature enough, and smart enough to decide that maybe this romance has run its course. Perhaps it is time to seriously pursue your education, focus on a career-choice, and set your goals.
Romance can rest awhile. Intermittently, you'll date and be sociable. You will move on, and stop worrying about what he's doing; because you'll be too busy getting-on with your own life.
We can say a lot of things pro and con about your LDR; but sweetheart, you're the one who has to live it. Do what's best for you! You deserve to be happy, young, and free!
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