A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 34 year old female and my husband and I are married for 14 years,we have 3kids aged 12,7 and 5. From the beginning of our marriage i have assisted my husband financially and for a good portion of our marriage have been the sole bread winner as my husband is not very responsible,he has walked out of his job when unhappy,moved to different states 5times and was not happy and I had to move us back home..it has been a tough 14 years..and 2015 being the worst he made another move and I left my job to accommodate this and he now has decided it's not working for him. I know i have to make things work for my kids but am I selfish to tell him to hit the road?i am tired of him and his lack of responsibility..he was checked for ADHD and ADD but came out clear and was diagnosed as just selfish Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 It sounds like he puts himself before you and your children. I think you do need to sit down and tell him how you feel. Did you support all these decisions that he made in the past? Or did you try and reason with him? Children need stability and a home, so yes I think you need to put them first.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 September 2017):
 You'd be selfish NOT telling him to hit the road.
You and your children need stability. It's not all about your kids, you matter here too. Your husband is clearly a liability so, yes, it's time for him to go.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (3 September 2017):
 Unless there's more to the story, he definitely sounds selfish. Extremely so, in fact. I truly can't see any other explanation for uprooting his working wife and three school-age children five separate times on a whim. If he had a good job that he was willing to commit to lined in one of these states, OK. In that scenario a move would make sense provided you ALSO agreed on it. But it doesn't sound like that's been the case at all. And you are not being irrational to object to it. I think most people, men or women, would be at their wit's end with the situation you've described.
So whether you write him off at this point - and I do think you could make that choice in good conscience - is up to you. Does he contribute to the household in ways other than money? Take care of the housework? Is he a good husband to you in terms of how you get along as people? If so, maybe it's worth it to try counseling. But if he causes you nothing but heartache and trouble, maybe it's time to go your separate ways.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2017): I don't think selfishness is determined by a medical diagnosis; but it is a conclusion one can reach using common-sense.
Your husband is obviously restless and irresponsible. I also notice one attribute common to a lot of men like him. He got married too young, and had too many kids too soon.
Suddenly they start running. As you've wisely ascertained; hubby is running from responsibility. Trying to reclaim the feeling of freedom and weightlessness he felt before he took on the heaviness of marriage and fatherhood. He easily gets itchy-feet. You're the stabilizing-force in this whole situation. You're apparently well used to it.
I will speculate that he doesn't have a college degree. Maybe he should consider community college for a certificate or a trade-school to learn a new skill. Not necessarily at your inconvenience. He should work, and attend a night school.
You're one helluva woman for putting up with it so long. You are what we Americans refer to as "a ride or die woman." The best there is, but every man doesn't deserve one. You've stuck by him through trials and tribulation; but the outcome has been stressful, demanding, and your man-boy of a husband hasn't lived-up to the demands of manhood.
You didn't mention what other qualities or strengths he has; or made any comment regarding your actual feelings of affection towards your husband. You don't mention what kind of father he is. So when women vent their feelings in a straight-to-the-point narrative; I know they have reached the last straw, and he is as good as gone.
This is the point where you have the talk. Don't move again. Stay put! It's disruptive for children. They lose friends, and they lose that sense of security and comfort kids ought to feel. They need to feel safe and grounded. Now I think I'm adding fuel to the fire. I think I'll lighten-up. I'm telling you what you already know.
This is where you offer him the final-ultimatums. Settle into a job, and train for a new one. Inform him if he moves again; he will be leaving child-support and alimony in his place. He's not going to uproot the family this time. Lay down the law, you're the primary bread-winner; and that gives you the authority. The family comes first, or he's out. He needs vocation-counseling, and needs to hone his job-skills. He leaves the job before he gets fired.
In a nutshell, he's lazy.
He's trying his best to be a stay-at-home dad. You're not feeling that vibe. Don't!!! Keep him gainfully-employed, and set time-limits on his job-search. Keep up the pressure. You can do it alone; but not because he refuses to man-up!
He's been dragging you around, only because you haven't let-go. You've been strong and you've held your family together. I can't say whether marriage-counseling will help; because this is about work-ethic and maturity. His capacity to support his family. I sense you've made-up your mind, and we're supposed to help you make a final-decision.
You're not selfish. You've been too flexible. Now stiffen your back and insist he works, or leaves. If you've been carrying most of the load; you may as well do it alone, if he's not pulling his weight. Family first.
Families don't just shrivel like a dead-leaf and fall off. They follow you wherever you go. He will remain financially-connected no matter what the final-outcome will be. Trying to maintain two separate households will be harder than one. You might have to remind him. So he better get his act together. He'll have no choice after a divorce. He'll have to work or starve.
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