A
female
age
30-35,
*uriouserAndCuriouser
writes:I have graduated highschool but returned for a semester; not because of poor academics, but because I was not in the right mindset during my senior year to be thinking about University.. It was a year when I was just really getting to finally know myself, and develop some confidence.Over the years I've struggled with a number of problems, two major problems being my father-daughter relationship and my personal depression. Though the depression ended a few years ago, i am still recovering.. and though I no longer live with an abusive father, our relationship has changed and I have become his personal "rescuer" (he has changed, but he just cannot get his life on track). Ever since I can remember I have felt responsible for my father, for his divorce, his depression, his bouts of anger when I was younger... just last year I became fed up with being used by him and I cut off contact, then we started writing letters back and forth - something he didn't want to do. Anyway, its reached a point where I have realized nothing is changed, and that everytime he comes back into my life my self confidence takes a huge blow once again. I have a lot of guilt and I am lacking healthy direction with this relationship..So here is what I am asking. During my senior year I befriended my 50 something year old religion and philosophy teacher. He is the epitomy of a giant teddy bear, a true dad, and he was a role model for me where I have been lacking one for so many years. We are close, but as things with my father went south again I found myself avoiding his eye contact, conversations.. and I really didn't want to, I just became uncomfortable. The other day we talked for a while, and when he left I broke down and started crying. I feel like he symbolizes so much for me. He is also the only adult male I truly trust to open up to (I have a fear, maybe phobia, of talking about past and present problems).I was thinking of talking to someone, and because he worked as a family counsellor for so many years and is very educated, I was thinking it might be a good idea to talk to him. If I can open up to him successfully and break down those barriers and let him help me, I feel like it would bring a lot of insight and direction to my life. He is the closest thing to a father I've ever had, and I really blossomed last year just having him even remotely in my life. I want your opinions..My main concerns are1) This is TERRIFYING for me, I'm not sure I should even do it.. I've had enough bad experiences with bottling, though.2) I've gone to a counsellor before but just could not open up because I didnt trust her or know her as a friend before issues came up.3) it's no longer his area of work.. I feel guilty for asking.4) Is this not proper for a student-teacher relationship? especially because of our genders? I don't think he'd say he couldn't talk to me because of that, but I still worry.As much as I am scared, I really, really want someone to open up to - someone I know and trust, someone who can really offer me insight and guidance. I almost feel intuitively that part of why we naturally clicked and why he is a part of my life is so that he can help me to grow out of those old chains, especially because he is like a father substitute..I am just so tired and I am tired of feeling burdened. I need to take care of these issues before I go off to university, or I won't be able to cope.Thank you everyone, so very much!
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female
reader, CuriouserAndCuriouser +, writes (1 October 2009):
CuriouserAndCuriouser is verified as being by the original poster of the question We talked. He told me all the things I had been telling myself, but gave me a fresher perspective. Hearing those truths come from someone else was exactly what I needed.. I feel like I'm back on track again, that my priorities are truly back in check. He drove me home after (again, probably doesn't seem very appropriate, especially since its a tiny car and I'm sitting there in a kilt, but he is such a good guy) and I talked to my mom for a bit. I feel like a burden is beginning to lift."You aren't the fault and you're not the fixer."Thanks again everyone! :)
A
female
reader, CuriouserAndCuriouser +, writes (1 October 2009):
CuriouserAndCuriouser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol! I won't, as much as I might want to at some times. And he is, he is the definition of a gentlemen, just a little more casual. :)
I just worry that I'll sound like a crazy person. A drama queen. An attention seeker. Sometimes I wonder if it really is worth talking about.. if it's really so important in my life. I know of course it is, but there's always that little voice trying to undermine me. :(
I'll keep you posted!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Good for you!!! I'm delighted that the first step turned out in such a promising way. He sounds like a very fine man. Even if he's just a sounding board, you'll be better for having put it all in the open. And I suspect his skills go beyond merely being a sounding board.
I really hope that this turns out to be an effective step toward resolving some important issues. Now that you've taken the leap and got him onside, for goodness sake don't chicken out!
My best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, CuriouserAndCuriouser +, writes (30 September 2009):
CuriouserAndCuriouser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI finally got up the courage to ask him today. I knocked on the teacher's lounge door and he greeted me with "Hi Smiley!", and I just asked if I could talk to him alone for a second. So he unlocked an unused classroom and we went in and shut the door; I leaned against one desk and he leaned against another, and he asked what was up and I said I just needed someone to talk to. I added that I felt bad for asking, because I know its not his job anymore, and he said "Nononono.. if you're having a problem I'd prefer you talk to me about it." I didn't have much time because I had to catch the bus home, which I ended up missing, but I just let him know that in a nutshell nothing really serious was going on; that I'm not in any danger or anything like that.. He asked me if I could give him an idea of what was going on in 15 seconds or less (to lighten things up) and I just said "Dad issues." because its all connected back to him. He just said a few times "Anytime, Kayla.. Seriously." when I would repeat that I felt bad (I didn't know what else to say, I felt so stupid). Then we talked about times when we could talk more. Lunch, spare, his prep period, after school. I don't want you guys to get the wrong impression of him. He prides himself on his moral character, on being experienced, on helping others. His father was an alcoholic and he grew up in the poor, irish section of Montreal. He is such a sincere person and I know I can confide in him.. which is saying a lot, since I don't feel like I can confide wholly in anyone else.
And OldGuy: since getting to know him those thoughts have been in and out of my mind, but it's not been something very controllable. It's not persistent either. At first it grew into that, but I slowly talked myself out of it.. now it's rare and fleeting, he really just feels more like a dad. I understood where those thoughts and feelings were coming from, and I understood they were not appropriate or healthy. No worries there.
Now I feel much better.. and I haven't even spoken to him yet. I am anxious to get it all off my chest but I am also worried.. I know that when I see him tomorrow, that i'll likely start avoiding him. He kept saying "Don't forget!" about meeting up, I think because he thinks I might avoid him.. seeing how I've been doing that off and on throughout the past two years, and I've struggled majorly with making eye contact with him. But I feel like I'm on the right track.
Thank you for your input you guys. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read all the text I wrote, and giving me a thoughtful response in return. I mean that genuinely. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): First of all I commend you for working at moving on. It sounds like you have made a real effort. I understand about the counsellor -- it's hard to make progress when you simply don't connect with them.
My first question to you is, are you absolutely certain you have no ulterior motive in approaching this teacher? I can understand how, feeling for the first time comfortable with a father figure, you might have romantic feelings. It would be perfectly natural. But if there's even a glimmer of that in you mind, it would be wholly inappropriate for you to ask him for help.
If you're quite sure that's not in your mind, then my next question is, are you prepared for him to refuse your request? He might have a dozen valid reasons for turning you down -- the fact that he is no longer a counsellor, that he would find it improper, whatever. If you would find yourself even more devastated by his refusal, then I wouldn't advise you to take the risk, because from what you've told is I think there's a reasonable chance he'll find himself unable to do so.
However, if the answer to those questions is no, go ahead. He'd probably need to conduct your sessions in a reasonably public place -- a coffee shop, or a park -- so as to avoid any question of impropriety. You can't ask him to risk his career in these hypersensitive times.
Regardless, I wish you the best. You're very wise to take these things on now. So many people struggle ineffectively for years, and wind up at age 50 wondering why their life sucks. If you can vanquish these demons now, you can take on the world. Good luck!
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