A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,So myself and my partner have been together for 7 years and have a 18 month old son. We’ve been through some difficult times and he has cheated on me before (around 5 years ago) however I decided to give him another chance. Since having our son we’ve really struggled with maintaining our relationship. People told us to make time for ourselves but it’s been difficult as we don’t have much support around us. It’s also been extremely difficult this year having to stay home for months due to the pandemic.I’ve recently been thinking about our relationship and how he doesn’t ‘tick the boxes’ I want in a partner.I’ve lost my mother, grandmother and grandfather in the space of 6 years and my partner just doesn’t understand how much this has impacted my life. He isn’t as family orientated as myself and I find it really difficult to express my true emotions around him as he doesn’t know what to say/do when I am upset. I have recently been feeling anxious and I can’t explain why I feel the way I do, but he just jokes about it and when I tell him it isn’t a joke he continues to joke. Anyway, the thing I am worried about is that I have no where to go (due to not many family members and no money to afford a house, nursery, bills) if I do leave him. It’s really getting me down as I don’t want to stay and be miserable but I can’t physically afford to leave and start again. Being in a national lockdown also makes things extremely difficult as I can’t see friends, my aunties.Any advice would be massively appreciated.Thank you :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): Use this time to prepare your departure. Becoming financially independent is your priority.If you're not earning enough money to support yourself and your son, you cannot leave.Explore your options regarding housing, staying with friends etc. once you have a job.Consult a layer. Your partner is after all your son's father and he has rights not only obligations.I'm speaking from experience. I wanted to leave my husband (who was abusive mentally and verbally), but couldn't since I had a low paying job AND, being a foreigner, my papers were linked to his.I understand how hellish this situation can be. Even my shrink, despite the abuse, couldn't advise me to leave him without a better financial situation. It is possible but it takes determination and will.You will be much better off once you become independent.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): You seem to be the sort of person who rushes in and does things without thinking them through, or being sensible, and then crying about it later. At your age I had already ended my first relationship - like you I had nowhere to go and no money - and when I say nowhere I mean it, not aunties and other people to lean on. When you are in a relationship that is not rock solid or where you do not trust them the last thing a sensible person does is have a child with them.When you are with a guy you do not trust the last thing you do is rely on him for money - you make sure that somehow, some way you have your own income.You were stupid to stay with a cheater and cheaters never change. If they have not cheated since it is usually because they did not get the chance. Most women don't want to go with a man who has a girlfriend and child at home, not because he is a decent man all of a sudden.In some ways he is immature in other ways you are.At your age you should be taking care of yourself and your child, not expecting other people to take care of you. You seem to think life is about being with a man who pays for everything - very convenient - but then you want to moan about what he is like - wanting to have your cake and eat it. You seem to think you live with a guy and when he is not as you want him to be then you go and present yourself to a mother, father, auntie or whoever and let them take over his job of being responsible for you. You expect a lot of others.Is one of the reasons you are upset about your family that they are not there to take care of you now? It is not their job to. They brought you up to be an adult, you are not a child.If you can create a baby, a child yourself then you should be in control and solving your own problem - plus taking care of the baby/child too. You sound very much like a baby child adult yourself. This is why your boyfriend laughs at you. He knows you are there for his money, he is with you for sex etc and is using you too. I think that in five years you will still be there and still using each other because you just sit back waiting for him or someone else to do it all. You only want the fun parts of life, no responsibilities, no working, no having to make real compromises.There are females who are living alone with a child at age sixteen. They have a job, they work very hard.How come you never once mentioned anything about doing something towards solving this problem yourself, how come you never thought of getting a job?I presume from the way you write you were never into studying or getting an education - never thought ahead to the future like a sensible person - because you expected others to take care of you. This is the result.You become trapped with a person who is taking care of you. They call the shots. They do things you do not like. Tough. That is how life works.No different to getting a job and having to put up with a nasty boss in return for your income.Your boyfriend IS your boss, can you not see that.And you are not in a position to terminate the contact until you have something better to take it's place.But it will not come knocking on your door or dropping in your lap, you have to make it happen.Start saving - even if it is just a little each week, just a tiny bit will make you see that you are becoming an adult for once. Taking responsibility for yourself and your child would be a grown up step.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (9 November 2020):
 It does sound like to me that you have made your mind up that this relationship has run its course.
I think that maybe you should have left him after he cheated on you the first time around, as i think that the trust had already been broken.
I think now is the time to start thinking about your future plans. Just staying there because of financial reasons is not a good enough reason to stay.
I think that as soon as possible you need to sign up to the housing association and get your name down. I think you will be given priority as you have a young son.
I would do this sooner rather than later, the longer you stay there the harder it will get, so make a stand now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 November 2020):
 So what you need to do is start making a plan.
That would mean:
1. get a job that can support you and your son.
2. make SURE you are on birth control so you don't make more children with a man you no longer want to be with.
3. stop holding shit over your partners head from 5 years ago that you claim to have forgiven. You CHOSE to stay with a cheater. That is on you. Not him.
While I get that it can be hard to find work right now THAT really is your only option. The sooner you can make a plan, the sooner you can end it so you BOTH can move forward.
Regardless of what kind of guy he is, he doesn't deserve a partner who is just with him because she can't afford to leave. Right?
Once you have a job, then TALK to family and friends, see if ANYONE can help you with a place to stay, perhaps then you can save up for a place for you and your son.
If staying and making it work isn't an option you need to figure out HOW to move out and be independent.
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