A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can someone help me with this but I honestly think I don't know how to love, I have a baby girl who is 15months, I take care of her as that is my human instincts to make sure she is ok andd has everything she needs, I have no problem doing all the practicle stuff bottles,feeding,bath, ect, but sometimes I hate to be around her, and then feel guilty for feeling that, my relationship with her father was horrible, it was an affair and he was 30 years older than me, he also beat me up when my daughter was 6weeks, resulting of being in and out of court the first year of my daughters life, to give statements, but he got found not guilty, he does pay for her but has no access to either of us now, but now all that is done I just feel raw,when I see my daughter I just see him, and I know how that sounds as she done no wrong, ii care for her but I don't know if I really love her and I group up in care so I didn't have a mother either so ask advice. I just find all of this really hard and sometimes I wonder if she would be better of being adopted by a family who can give her love and a mum and dad, so she grow up away from all this mess, but there are family members who would never forgive me if I did that. I just don't know what to do, I don't want to be without her but I don't feel I can love her either, very confused.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): Please talk to your health visitor and your GP-you may have postnatal depression. There's help out there. You're not alone in feeling this way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): I truly feel sorry for you because the guilt of not feeling love towards your baby must be horrible - but it's not your fault because you ARE doing the motherly thing by protecting, feeding, clothing (etc.) the baby and I think that you've done a great job so far.In order to decide whether you can handle this or want to put her up for adoption, I think you should get counselling first - to try to help you deal with your past, so that you can come to terms with it and have a better future.... with or without your baby in your care. If you get the counselling you need, you may find that you accept and start moving on from what's happened to you and you decide that you can take care of your baby and you do love her.If it doesn't go that way, that's fine too. Do NOT worry what others think of you because they haven't been through the same as you have and they don't know what they'd do even if they "know" (think) they would do the "right" thing. The "right" thing for each individual is different.Be strong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 April 2014):
Dear OP,
You had to deal with so much responsibility in such a difficult time of your life. And the way your baby's father treated you.. I can understand why you feel mixed emotions about your child at the moment. It's so much work and there's no one else there to support you emotionally. I agree with Cerberus. Children are cute (at least that's what we all HAVE to say about them..), but they can really annoying sometimes. You'd be a saint if you never felt that way. It's totally normal to just feel fed up with it sometimes, please don't feel so guilty. I have every respect in the world for you, that you managed to take care of such a young baby, by yourself.
My guess is that you feel this way because you are exhausted and depressed from everything (child rearing, court and break up..). When people are depressed, they often say they can't feel love anymore, even for the closest and most important people around them. It's typical for depressed people to think "everyone would be better off without me". So, my advice would be to try and get new energy first, recover mentally, physically and emotionally. How can you get more breaks from your baby, so that you can recover and lift your spirit? Could someone sit her for you, for a few hours, so you can meet friends? Enjoy a lazy afternoon? Do you get enough sleep? Healthy food? You are young, also. You should get some time to feel that way, too. A baby is not a completely fulfilling company for an adult, you need some good conversation and laughter every now and then, with grown up people who understand you.
If you still feel overwhelmed, maybe there is a social worker or family center or some institution (I don't know how it is in your country) that can help you dealing with the stress of being a single mother. Maybe a self-help group, where you can talk with other mothers, so you could get advice and see you're not alone with your problems.
If all else fails, if you can't get past your feelings, you can still decide to give your baby up for adoption. But since this would be an irreversible decision, it's better if you wait until you're able to think and feel clearly about it. I also agree with Cerberus that you owe it to yourself to try and get past the issues you have. Maybe you can still find a happier place for you and your child, together. After all, you've been a good mother so far and you've tried so hard to be better to her than you've been treated in the past.
All the best,
E.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 I wont go into a lengthy answer, sorry. But that's not to mean your problem is easy to answer. It just means that, I do not have the right words to help you. And honestly, I do not think words from others are what you need. I think you need to talk about this.
I suggest, I actually highly recommend, that you talk to your doctor about this and tell it like it is, just like you told us. It could be post - partum depression. It could be post-traumatic stress disorder. It could be a NORMAL reaction to the things you have gone through (yes, I know depression and disorders don't sound normal, but they are not unusual). It could also be that you are still living in high stress, in survival mode so to speak, and that you haven't completely dealt yet with the things that happened. As such, you are in a phase where other emotions need to be put on hold, for you to survive and deal with the things you need to deal with first.
I believe love for your daughter is there. Love comes in many shades and hues. But it sounds like you have many conflicting feelings around many other aspects here as well, such as family, and your living situation.
Talk to your doctor. Ask to see a therapist/psychologist for sessions. Talking about it helps! You need to talk about this with someone, someone you can trust wont go to anyone else about it. Someone you can say everything to, just like it is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I don't think you give yourself enough credit here, OP. I mean you're recovering from an abusive relationship, have few people you can turn to and are a single mother too.
OP you do love her, if you didn't then you wouldn't be worrying if you're doing well enough by her. You just wouldn't care, you certainly wouldn't feel guilty for seeing him in her if you didn't love her.
OP anyone in your situation would be emotionally numb, because it's either be numb or fall to pieces and you haven't the luxury of that because you're a mother.
OP kids are hell of a lot of work, it's not unusual or bad to not want to be around them at times.
It's probably time to go get some professional help, you've been through a hell of a lot, the fact that you haven't been able to see past her as a painful reminder means you haven't resolved what happened with him yet emotionally.
You do love her, OP, you're just being consumed by pain still. I wouldn't worry about your family members, it's you that may never forgive yourself if you let her go.
There's no guarantee she'd find loving parents, she may become a child of the system instead. With all due respect to you, OP, you owe it to yourself to fight to get past this because from what you said it's not a lack of love, it's an inability to see through the pain you so obviously still suffer from.
OP the basics are all she needs until you can pull yourself together. She's not old enough to even know the concept of love, all she needs is your touch, your attention, to hold her, feed her etc. and just understand there's not one mother in the world who loves their child that doesn't feel guilty and worry about them almost constantly. Keep her happy and healthy and work through your issues. Once you can think of him without sadness or anger, then you'll be able to see all the love you always had for her, that was always there.
OP maybe it's just that what you think love is supposed to be is not what it actually is. Doting over your baby and gushing about how amazing she is, that's not love, that's just a form of adoration. Love is not giving up, it's never not worrying or feeling guilty that you may not be doing your best. As long as you worry, as long as there's guilt there then you know you love her.
Go get help, it very much sounds like you don't exactly have a lot of love yourself or anything at all at the moment. But you certainly have no reason to think she'd be better off without you, you're taking care of her, and from the sounds of things very well too. She can hold on for the doting and adoration once you're in a place where you can be that way. Once you're truly over your ex and all that happened.
Have faith in yourself, OP, you're doing far better than you give yourself credit for, don't give up on her. She deserves a mother like you that cares enough to worry about her well-being and will never stop wanting the best for her.
...............................
|
