A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about 6 weeks ago. Last weekend I saw him again and things got emotional and we ended up sleeping together. I told him that I still loved him and would like to go to counseling to work things out, and see if we could be together again. Basically the reason that we broke up is because he is scared of commitment (he's 29), and because he stopped communicating with me and wanting to do things with me. He actually broke up with his last girlfriend of 3 years because he was scared of commitment. He said he would think about coming to counselling. I booked in a counseling session and told him to come if he wants to try, but I received a text from him tonight saying that his heart isn't in it anymore. I'm so frustrated and angry with him and myself for letting me waste my time, energy and heart on someone who is not going to reciprocate. I know it's for the best that we aren't together, but I still love him... I keep going over and over things in my head, the things I could have done different to make it work, and how psycho I became towards the end of the relationship because it wasn't working and he wasn't trying.. Has this happened to anyone else? How can I let go of the guilt and anger I feel?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (4 June 2013):
 Let's look at just the last bit of your submittal:
"I keep going over and over things in my head, the things I could have done different to make it work, and how psycho I became towards the end of the relationship because it wasn't working and he wasn't trying.. Has this happened to anyone else? How can I let go of the guilt and anger I feel? "
1. You couldn't have done ANYTHING to "make it work." As you now know... this guy is not going to commit to a "real" relationship with you - OR anybody else.
2. Your "psycho" behaviour is predictable for someone who has just been bamboozled - yet again (you slept together after a 6 week break.).... It's frustrating to be taken advantage of.... and the natural instinct to score some revenge is powerful...
3. It's happened to OOODLES of people. You are, by no means, alone. Guys do this at least as often as we change underwear....
4. You can let go of the anger and guilt by redirecting your feelings and mental energy to better means.... I always suggest volunteering. You won't have to look far to find places that constantly need volunteer help.... a hospital, animal shelter, food kitchen... SUBSTITUTE some good/useful/beneficial thoughts and activities for those that are, currently, eating you up....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Let go by realizing that this one wasn't for you. You want different things. He might not even know himself well enough to know what he wants.. not everyone does. Even if at 29 you'd expect him to know.
If it is one thing I've learned, it is that what a man says, and what a man does, are two very different things. He might say he's scared of commitment, yet get engaged to the next girlfriend he finds. And then you're sitting there wondering WTF?!?!
Like my ex, who said he never wanted children, then went ahead and got engaged to a single mother with a toddler. When a man says he wants/doesn't want something, who knows. He'll probably change his mind. Or perhaps he didn't know himself well enough to know what he wants, and only thinks about what feels right here and now.
What I'm saying is, my ex probably didn't feel ready for a child when he was with me, or maybe I wasn't the person he wanted to have a child with. Then years later, he was ready to take on responsibility. Perhaps because he got to know the child gradually, and saw that it wasn't as scary as he first thought. Who knows. Perhaps she was the woman of his dreams and I wasn't. We'll never know.
But I do know this, your ex saying he's afraid of commitment is a bad excuse for him saying: things aren't working out between us. If things were going great, and he was happy, why wouldn't he want it to last longer? You said he stopped putting in the effort, that's not fear of commitment, that's a lack of putting in effort. Don't confuse what he SAYS with what he DOES. He stopped trying. Sounds like you had problems that needed working out, but he didn't want to work on it any longer as he doesn't see himself having a future with you. Maybe he'll see a future with the next girlfriend he's with. Maybe he wont. But he didn't see it with you, wasn't happy with the way things were, and wanted out. That's basically it. No mysterious fear of commitment, just a typical: I don't want to be with you. Although blaming it on a fear of commitment is easier than saying to your face that he doesn't see a future with you.
You're feeling hurt and pain like everyone does after a break-up with someone they love. It hurts like shit. But it also passes in time, and then when you find someone else you'll be happy you ended a relationship that was going nowhere.
Remember, a man is "scared of commitment" only until he finds the person he wants to be with for life. Rather than focus on why he didn't want you, think about why YOU wanted him so badly. Was he really all that? A man, who didn't want to work out problems, a man you even had these problems with. Was that your dream? Was that what you wanted to have for the rest of your life? Never mind the "if only he would change" thoughts, you know they are BS. People don't change. You would spend the rest of your life with him as such, as he was, not willing to work out problems... There's no "we'd be so happy if only he'd go to therapy with me" or "if only he'd do this or that" or "if only I hadn't done this or that". IF ONLY is dream-talk. The reality is, the two of you weren't compatible. As things ACTUALLY were, neither of you were happy.
Remember all the times he caused you pain. Then imagine meeting someone who doesn't cause you that type of pain. Now that's someone you should aim to meet. And you will, once you're healed and over your ex.
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