| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My bf asked me to be friends because there were too many problems in our relationship. The thing is we have been living together 1yr. and 1/2... I love him very much, but I am so hurt. Every time I try to work it out with him he wants to, at first. But then he can't handle it when something bothers me and I tell him. So he decided we should be friends. I was hoping things would get better but have only gotten worse, leaving both of us with a broken heart. I have been so dependent on him that I can't see myself without him, and can't live without him either :'( He insists to let him take care of me... he told me he does not trust anybody else to take care of me because I don't have a good relationship with my family...and I really have nowhere to go. What should I do??? Please help with some advice, I would really appreciate it. And if he asks me to be his gf again what should I say? (I doubt he will ask me again, but in case he does... what do i do?) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): The basic problem here is that you are not standing on your own two feet. Do you think if you were that he'd be stuffing you about like this, or that you'd be taking being stuffed about?Relationships work when both partners can stand alone, but choose to be together.It is not your family's job to rescue you. You're an adult now, so your parents should now have priorities other than child raising (such as repairing their own relationship after 18 years of putting their children first). You should, of course, patch things up with your family -- not as a way of solving this crisis, but because it will be a source of sadness otherwise. Once they realise that you are not relying upon them to solve your problem, they might well be willing to listen and to give you better advice than an Internet forum (since they know the people involved).So what do you need to do to stand on your own two feet? I'm sure you know the answers.You're going to need food and lodgings. Typically that's done by having a job. So you'll need to investigate those that fall within your medical condition. Find out what others with your condition are doing. Ask your friends if they'll put you up on a couch for a month or two if you need it. (Expect some pushback from your controlling bf, he will be able to see what your plan is. But what can he do about it? Kick you out? Well that would actually solve a lot of things after a few months of pain and hard work.)You're going to have to get rid of the notion that there is only one man who wants you. He doesn't even believe that himself or he wouldn't be so intent on making you ever more dependent upon him. The simple truth is that men need to feel that they are lucky to have you. Of course for them to believe that, you have to believe it too.You're going to have to write off two years of your life. Learn the lesson from that. Complete dependence isn't healthy. It's seductive at first but you can see how corrosive it becomes, what with him playing the field and you unable to do much about it without totally overhauling your life.You're going to have to write off your bf. Unless he lifts his game. That means ceasing controlling behaviours. That means a relationship with you and no other. If you feel generous, give him the opportunity to come good. But you've already been excessively generous, and taken advantage of because of that, so don't feel bad just dumping him.Best of luck, you've got a lot of growing up to do in a short time.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 November 2009):
 What medical problems do you have?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses and advice. I am not employed because I have many medical conditions that stand in the way. I hate myself for giving up so much for him, that he can't even appreciate me. If I had money a long time ago I would have left...but the reason why I don't feel I can leave now is because we have been together 2yrs. and I wish we didn't throw it away like our relationship isn't worth it. He gives me mixed signals, and it's hard to tell what he wants. for example, He breaks up with me, then asks me to get back with him the very next hr. or day...n the game keeps going. This morning when I was in bed, he came to the room and lied next to me, and he was very amorous. Then this afternoon we were talking calmly and I told him we should not be together right now because he keeps hurting me. And he did ask me if i wanted to try 1 more time, I just said we can be friends for now. Because I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I also asked him to see other girls because he mentioned to me before that he wanted sex from other females...when we were in a relationship. I broke down into tears when I told him to see other women but I just think he should do what makes him happy. But as for me, I'm not planning on meeting with other guys. Maybe chats but not to date or anything like that. I didn't grow up with my parents and I had a real messed up childhood and teenage years. I guess i'm dependent on him because I never had the love I needed and feel he's the only one who can really love me. Perhaps not having a good relationship with my dad or no relationship at all has made me look for a man who shows me the affection I never got.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses and advice. I am not employed because I have many medical conditions that stand in the way. I hate myself for giving up so much for him, that he can't even appreciate me. If I had money a long time ago I would have left...but the reason why I don't feel I can leave now is because we have been together 2yrs. and I wish we didn't throw it away like our relationship isn't worth it. He gives me mixed signals, and it's hard to tell what he wants. for example, He breaks up with me, then asks me to get back with him the very next hr. or day...n the game keeps going. This morning when I was in bed, he came to the room and lied next to me, and he was very amorous. Then this afternoon we were talking calmly and I told him we should not be together right now because he keeps hurting me. And he did ask me if i wanted to try 1 more time, I just said we can be friends for now. Because I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I also asked him to see other girls because he mentioned to me before that he wanted sex from other females...when we were in a relationship. I broke down into tears when I told him to see other women but I just think he should do what makes him happy. But as for me, I'm not planning on meeting with other guys. Maybe chats but not to date or anything like that. I didn't grow up with my parents and I had a real messed up childhood and teenage years. I guess i'm dependent on him because I never had the love I needed and feel he's the only one who can really love me. Perhaps not having a good relationship with my dad or no relationship at all has made me look for a man who shows me the affection I got.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 November 2009):
Being emotionally dependant is one thing, are you financially dependant as well? In other words, do you work and earn an income? If you can afford to move out I think you should. You need to grow a spine here, Honey. You are a big girl and you need to start standing on your own two feet.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): How could you live depending solely on a man or another person. You need to go to school, get a job and hold your own.You need to spend more time building a career rather than what you are doing at the moment.
...............................
|
