A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I'm seriously thinking about ending my first ever long-term relationship and I'm looking for some support/advice on what to do and how to get used to being single again.I'm quite an independent sort, so have never really discussed my relationship with any of my family or friends, so this is very long as I'd like to get some of it off my chest.I've been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years, since I was 16, I'm now nearly 21. There is a slight age-difference in our relationship and when my family first found out about us there was absolute uproar and I went through the hardest time of my life trying to get them to trust me again. I've found that because of their initial reaction, I don't like to introduce him to other people in my life because, although everyone realises now that nothing funny is going on, I'm still scared about getting a negative reaction about him. This means I keep my life with him and my life with friends separate - they don't mix and I don't want them to.Our relationship hasn't been very good for the past couple of years, since I managed to get 'P' to confront his depression and issues relating to the death of his father ten years ago, which he had never dealt with. He started seeing a counsellor and went on antidepressants, which stopped him from being the person I fell in love with - he lost all his passion in his interests and our sex-life went downhill, so much so that we haven't had sex in over a year and, to be honest, I don't really feel sexually attracted to him anymore so I don't think we'll manage to patch thing up. It's ironic because all my friends are single and they all think I get the most sex, but in reality I've had the least in the past god-knows-how long than all of them.Things have started to get quite busy with uni work lately, so I've been seeing him less and less, but I don't really feel that bothered by not seeing him and I've enjoyed spending more time with my friends who I live with. I didn't see him much over my summer break either, as I stayed with relatives in order to get a decent summer job, and that's when I started questioning whether I wanted to be with him anymore, as I didn't really notice that we weren't seeing each other.We've grown apart really - he's changed as he's started adressing his issues in life and I've changed since I've started uni and become my own person, living with my student friends. Apart from the fact that we sleep in the same bed, there's little about our relationship that makes us much more than friends - we don't have sex, we don't kiss properly, we don't hug properly, I don't really know what does when I'm not around. We speak to each other every day and I see him most weekends, but we don't really *do* anything any more, I cook, we watch films, go shopping, and we don't really talk very much. Well, I talk, but I find he no longer opens up to me like he used to, I do about 90% of the talking in our relationship.Additionally, the more I think about the future, the more I realise things won't last - he works full time and I would love to take a year out to go travelling after I've finished uni. I know he doesn't want to do this and I don't want to feel like I can't do it because of my relationship. I know it won't last a year if I'm abroad.Also I feel like I want to be single - I want to go out with my friends and meet new guys, I feel like it's something I'm going to regret not doing later in life.I still love 'P', but I don't know if I'm IN love with him anymore - there's an occassional glimmer where I realise why I love him, but most of the time I find myself wondering how it's lasted so long when our relationship went wrong a long time ago.Thanks for reading this if you've got this far. Now I want to ask, after all we've been through together, how do I go about breaking up with him? I've never broken up with anybody before - this was my first proper relationship and it turned out to be for the long-haul.How do I tell my friends and family? I never talk about my relationship with them, so it's going to be completely unexpected. And how do I fill in the gaps from him in my life? Our daily phonecalls/numerous texts, seeing him every weekend, and actually having a boyfriend, someone I can still, despite all the bad things, talk to about absolutely anything (apart from this) with? Any advice is appreciated, I know that it's going to be tough...Thanks,A.
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female
reader, thecamellias  +, writes (12 December 2008):
I read your post very carefully, and noted certain things you have said.This is my opinion, and in no way is it professional. I do not agree with anti- anything medications, because I do believe they have a very shameful way of stealing personalities from people. I am in no way saying that the issues your mate has and/or is dealing with are not important or meaningless. They have probably have taken a toll on your relationship, a long with many others as it seems. It is very important you are honest with yourself, as you have made an amazing display of it already. It shows you have some sort of heart, and are not selfish because this is a concern of yours. Not only for you, but the best way to go about it for both parties. Many people neglect other people's feelings when they find something they have at the moment isn't satisfactory to them. It is good to know what you want, as you stated "Also I feel like I want to be single - I want to go out with my friends and meet new guys, I feel like it's something I'm going to regret not doing later in life." It is clear here what needs to happen, and you know this. Giving the ultimate "blow" is always easier said than done. However, in my opinion I feel like it is always best of be completely honest in everything, go ahead and get it out of the way. I'm sure he has picked up on your vibes, and possibly those anti-depressants have fed him apathy in confronting you about it. Surely, he isn't that big of an idiot and has had some sense to see that your relationship has initially taken a turn. Not changed, taken a turn in the road. As you said, you started dating at an early age. You are probably completely different than you were from last year, and a whole different person than you were at 16. You are engaging a completely different life, and are entering a new stage in your life. Have you stopped to think what you liked about him when your relationship was good, or what was your initial attraction to him in the first place? Have you tried to evaluate what those initial attractions were then, and how they might differ from what you want in a relationship currently? Perhaps some deeper thinking beyond the obvious " new this, or that" will give you answers only yourself will be able to process. Also, maybe your behavior in separating him from your life and friends has given him a sense of shame? He may feel like you are embarrassed by him. Everyone wants to be desired. Obviously, you want to desire the person you are with, and that’s why you want to move on. You don't want to drag this on, because you know it will only result in more pain in the end. Like I said before, surely he has picked up on some of your vibes, and possibly took them the wrong way. I mean, does he even wish to have sex with you? Or attempt to ask for it? If not, then I'm sorry to say there is a problem. Not with you, but more so with him. What he is dealing with is of course, something very serious. However, if what he is going through plus his new medications are turning him into a different person then he isn't in the state to be in a relationship either. With anyone for that matter. Also, communication is HUGE in a relationship. There are all sorts of communication that needs to be present, whether it is sexual, verbal, or emotional. Communicating is the key here. I don't know if this is correct or not, but you didn't say anything about him expressing any type of concern with anything that has happened in the past with your relationship. If that is true, then you have a communication problem. Maybe not then, but now you do. Do you know how he is feeling about all of this, or even about his father? Or have you, and he is just non responsive?I apologize for the previous paragraphs being so serious and long, but on to the other issue. Breaking up.It's never really that easy, especially if you love and care for that person. I'm sure that it puts a strain on you to be honest in fear of sending him off the edge on a downward spiral. All of those are reasonable concerns, and are not silly whatsoever. I would like to think you have a good head on your shoulders, and just want to be careful in how you go about it. I am an avid believer in honesty. But trot carefully because there is a fine line between delivering honesty with tact, and being blunt. I do not think you should try to be friends. Sometimes it CAN work, but often times I have seen that it does not. You have made it very clear you are going your separate ways, and especially, you are taking new steps. I feel that tagging him along even through a friendship would be dangerous. That would leave you partly accountable for his emotional stability, especially if you have a "past" with each other. You know? You get what I'm saying? That does not mean you immediately quit caring, and loving that person. There is an ex of mine who hurt me very much, and it took time to heal myself emotionally. We ended up getting back together, and of course...... it ended again. But through it all, I knew I would always care and love him. Not be IN love with him, but love him. This person is and possibly was a big part of your life, and you will never forget them. He needs to do some self evaluating himself, in fact that might even be more serious than you having trouble breaking up with him. That is something you should address when you do decide to let him go. Express that you have concern for his well being, and that you guys have taken 2 different paths. Paths that will have long term effects on your lives. Perhaps, tell him you don't see him fit for a relationship. You do need to bring up every issue though. As petty as it is to say, but SEX is big. Like I said, we all want to be desired. I don't know about you, but if my mate of 4 years never even brought up sex then I would feel pretty crummy and immediately think there was something wrong. Some people say the best way to break up is to make it short, and sweet. As that method can be effective for some, I feel that after such a long relationship and obvious deep rooted issues at hand here, that you will have some explaining to do. Be gentle, but honest. Explain to him how you are confident in this decision, and that it will be best in the long run. You are going one way, that will not be ideal for him in the future. And that you respect him enough to separate now, instead of dragging it on and on. Also, how you want him to find someone too that will be able to communicate with him and make him happy. I wish you the best of luck, and I think you are doing the right thing. Cheers.
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