A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm very confused and am starting to get depressed. I'm seeing a therapist over this, but it has not been helpful as of yet.A year ago I met a man online and we dated for six months. He traveled between three cities for work and so lived in my city 12 or so days a month. We saw each other most days he was 'home" and he pursued me like we were actually dating and allowing a relationship to evolve. We had sex after six weeks and after two months he asked if we could be exclusive. I was very happy.I asked him on our first date if he was married and he said he was divorced and told me this long, sad, complicated story of how it happened. I felt very sorry for him. We talked about our families and our goals and about all those things that a couple talks about when getting to know one another.After six months, I told him that I loved him, (I do!) and he disappeared for three weeks. It broke my heart, but I did not pursue him. After three weeks, I did leave a voicemail for him saying I was calling because I needed closure and I thought he was a coward for the way he ended the relationship.He called me back and apologized and then apologized for the next two weeks, telling me that he thought about me all the time and that he wanted to badly to tell me that he loved me but it frightened him. I took him back.A month later, after I called him on mixed messesages, he confessed that he was married. I was in shock for three weeks. He was always available for my phone calls at anytime during the day. He was available nights and weekends. I never saw it.Since then we have seen each other five times and have had sex on three of those occassions. All we do is argue about his marriage and his lying. We talk on the phone a couple times a day and send long emails and short messages. I told him before Christmas that I would not have anything to do with him unless he got a divorce. He says he can't get a divorce, but he keeps calling and messaging, etc. though. He's a daily presense in my life. He says now he doesn't have feelings for me, that it is just a physical attraction, but there is very little that is physical about this mess. What is going on with him? Why won't he cooperate and just let me go? I'm the one whot got emotionally involved so he should be able to just let me go with no problem. I know he is a liar, cheat and there is no happy ending for me. But why won't he let me go and why do I keep breaking down after a couple of weeks and talking to him again? My car breaks down, and he calls the mechanic to make sure the job is done right and I don't get rippied off. I get the flu and he calls me and fusses about me and is very concerned. Everything he says and does shows me that he does have feelings for me.I date other men, but they don't interest me. I feel like I'm going crazy because I want so badly to cut him out of my life, but at the same time he feels like he's a part of me ad to cut him out would be like cutting off my arm or cutting out my lungs.Like I said, I'm seeing a therapist, but all he says is that he is a jerk and I need to hand up on him when he calls. I know that. What's wrong with us? And yes, I have little moral courage and backbone. I am already aware of that. I have never felt this way about anyone before.
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christmas, depressed, divorce, liar Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 A married man would most likely sit on the fence and do nothing and enjoy you as long as he can.You will have to take the knife out and cut the invisible cord and give him the big boot.
To let go off him , you need to demonise him for what he really is.He is a two timer, cheat,a con man .He preyed on your loneliness and your vulnerability . It is possible that you are not the only one. He could have other temporary wives in other states too.
A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 Ah lying.
The staple foundation of any good relationship.
A frost-bitten limb. or even one with gangreen, though miss should be hacked off at the joint.
The man wants to have his cake and to eat it.
and you could do alot betetr.. i know it hurts. i know there won't be anyone like him.. however there will be some one better than him.
Keep dating, chin up and tell him to screw off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): Dear Anonymous,I'm the writer of the question. Your answser gave me the courage to tell him today that I was serious in not wanting to see him anymore. I have such mixed feelings though! I also called him on a minor lie and when he lied to cover up I called him on that also. He seemed to get angry for the first time so does that mean he will not recontact me down the road? My biggest problem is that I am holding onto hope that somehow he will change and become a caring, loving person - but he's not. I could use a little encouragement from someone who has successfully made it through this same predicament.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): I really feel for you because I think you have had your heart pulled apart - its like he got you in love with him and then he dropped the bombshell... by this time you are involved and he, unlike you, was hoping for a neat tidy package on the side. You have told your story so well that it is plain for all to see and nobody needs to tell you that you will never trust this man. Small untruths, everyday little things in life are one thing but something this big is just manipulative and you have been the victim of his controlling nature - which he is still doing. He keeps you sweet and needy with his gestures of help - but this is not a loving giving relationship. Your relationship has changed to suit his needs all the way along - not yours. Each time you are forced to feel a bit lower about yourself so you accept what he feeds you. The thing you need to work on is not this guy at all - it is on yourself. I speak with heartfelt knowledge from an affair of mine that lasted 10 (yes 10) years and trust me I was more desperate than you can imagine each lie distorted my thinking but still I went back for more - but he, like your man, lied upon lied to me until I found my very soul was being destroyed - along with my faith in human beings (including my own sanity). You have taken the first step in realising full on he is no good. The therapist is good for support.... but You need to re-connect with yourself. I bet you find it hard to be peaceful doing an activity just for you - always thinking about him. Gradually you need to lose those thoughts and I can only suggest you plan as many distractions as you can. Things that you put on hold because you were waiting and 'ready' for him - all the lost hours and days - get them back. Make this a month when you do random stuff that just takes you out of the normal day to day routine. Start something new. Dating may only remind you of him whereas doing enriching, nourishing activities will remind you of YOU. This builds esteem and self worth until you recognise that he is no longer controlling your head or your heart any more. This transition takes time but believe me if I can feel this way now (its been 18 months since I finally finally gave it up) you can. Imagine a day when you wake up and you have a calm thought about him - rational, its been let go and you can see why you got into it and you are much better than that. It will be history. Until you can truly feel that way I don't recommend you date because you are simply making comparisons and are still hurt - this will carry over and you will not fully enjoy another man. Don't let what this guy has done ruin your life any longer. Although this sounds like a vengeful thing to say I should add that I know, categorically, that I am the stronger, better person for what happened and the guy I finally let go of is so much less without me. I hope this helps you find the strength to regain control.
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