A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I met my 51 year old partner (I am 22) on-line and now we are living together. Now I feel he is more concerned with himself and makes it clear it won't affect him if we split up. Yet we are engaged. He is disabled and used to living on his own but I feel I just need more affection than what he shows. I’ve told him this but he don’t listen, where am I going wrong??
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Yw. Basically you are just going to have to deal with this aspect of his personality (if that's what it is.) You have tried time and time again to get him to change, but he hasn't, so obviously he's not going to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, thank you. i cant see what to do but i do appreciate your advice :)
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (14 March 2008):
Maybe he doesn't feel mushy all the time, or maybe he just wants his space, though that wouldn't explain him treating you badly. Sometimes people with health problems act badly towards others, grouchy, etc. I'm not saying it's an excuse, just saying that it might explain some of his behavior.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni cant answer that because of what it is, its not me over weight (to much) or a physical thing. but lets just say he has been the only one who has accepted my 'issue'
just sometimes he can be so cold and non caring and others he can be accepting, it is when he is accepting and finally does show emotion that makes me think we are worth fighting for. so im trying to find out if its me 'putting him off?' or is it just he cant show it cus he is older? or are these signs that he has had enough and wont tell me?
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (13 March 2008):
Well you get someone who understands you more than other people, just doesn't accept you as much as you'd like him to accept you, because he doesn't show you love. At least that's what I gather from it.
You say he doesn't judge you for what you are. You make it sound as if you are a monster or something. May I ask what is it that you are that you don't like about yourself? Are you a cripple, an overweight person, what?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni get someone who understands me more than other people, he dont judge me cus of what i am just wish he showed is love
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (12 March 2008):
I think that people should be able to do fine regardless of whether they are single or not, but acting like they wouldn't miss you is another thing....so you want to keep him despite his not giving you affection. Well if it's not affection you're getting, may I ask just out of curiosity what are you getting from this relationship then?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much, i never thought id get a answer, thank you,
i would leave but i have had my heart broke a few times to many, and at times he seems so diffrent than anyone ive been with but at times he will just turn round and say 'i dont care im gonna do it my way'
if i left i'd probly end up doing something stupid i love the guy so damn much.
i dont try and control things i just try and help him as any partner would. but cus he's been on his own for so long he dont see things the way i do.
is there no way to make him see what he would be missing if things did go down the pan?
i will do anything to keep him exept miss out on the affection i need
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A
female
reader, honeychild4402 +, writes (12 March 2008):
 i think this is the reaction he wants you to have! i may be wrong but.. from expericnce, my last boyfriend tried telling me that without me he'd do absolutley fine! he said that hed laugh and move on straight away!! i used to question myself if i was a good enough person for him.. i became insecure and certainly didnt want to leave him when i felt like this!! ...this is exactly what he wanted!! one day though, i thought sod it, and left!! boy what an emotional wreck he became!! he wanted me back!! but i said no!! anyways...this could be the case with you or it could simply be that your mans just explaining that he can still look after himself even though he has your help. but if your drifting apart the best thing to do is talk to him about it, why not suggest that you both do something that you did in the begining of the relationship, something fun that you both loved, this will bring back memories of the good times and hopefully start bringing you two close again! if all else fails, maybe you should be friends
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Honey, you're not going wrong anywhere. This sounds like totally his problem - and often older people (I am not saying he is old or anything like that, just quite a bit older than you) don't show each other as much love and affection as younger couples do. They don't have the energy, they don't really have to attraction much more, and they don't have the will. Please don't get me wrong, I don't mean to tarr them all with the same brush because he's undoubtedly a lovely man and I'm sure he loves you a lot, but you'll probably find that because of his disability and age, he isn't a spring chicken any longer! To be honest, I hate having to say this, but are you sure you want to marry a man that can't show you enough affection and make you feel loved? In a marriage, it's important to feel loved and cared for by the other person, and if talking to him isn't solving any problems, then perhaps this is just his way. You're only 22 though, you have your whole life ahead, so personally I'm not sure getting married to a man 28 years older is such a good idea.. I'm sorry, but I can't see this marriage being an especially happy one - he's had his time for showing his affection, and now he's settling down into a more relaxed routine. You'll either have to live with this, or rethink your relationship.. But please, don't tie yourself down too early to someone that can't give you the love you need.. Good luck :]
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (12 March 2008):
Maybe he makes it clear that it won't affect him if you were to split up, because he is trying to say that just because he is disabled doesn't mean that he needs someone. Anyways, if he is not affectionate just leave him. And I mean affectionate in the REAL sense, not in the SEX sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): This situation isn't about the age. It's about him as a person. As a female, women tend to feel more comfortable with older men who have something to offer but in this case he won't care if you two split up? If this is really true you deserve so much better. Also, you may have to look at how his disability plays a role in his mood in order to understand him but if it's a give give, take take relationship with no reciprocity, please do yourself a favour and stop giving and go find something you are happy with. Affection should always be returned hun.
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