A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I am 18 and I'm getting married soon. The problem is that I'm a virgin and I am scared to have sex. I have always thought of sex to be disgusting and I even tried to get over it by watching anime porn but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I'm not into the kinky stuff like butt sex or oral sex and I feel that I need to get over this as a must before I get married. The thing that I would like to know is what guys consider to be the best sex? Like is it the foreplay or the actual intercourse?Please help me...!
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (4 July 2010):
I will repeat what has already been said: If you are as afraid as your question sounds, you are almost certainly NOT ready to get married! Please find somebody, such as a counselor, clergyman, your family doctor, or even a trusted friend or older relative, to help you with this.
And, it will probably be necessary to eventually include your fiance in the conversations. Marriage is forever, right? Then you have time to solve this problem TOGETHER - but you both need to have some idea of how you're going to do that.
The vast majority of guys - probably 99.9% - who wait until marriage to have sex will expect to have sex - a LOT of sex - after they are married. It doesn't matter whether they abstained out of personal convictions, or religious beliefs, or out of love for their partner, or just a general respect for her wishes - they are expecting sex. I'd even say that if BOTH of you aren't expecting sex after marriage then you're not ready to be married.
Sex is more than the physiological process of intercourse. For THIS guy, the best sex involves mental and emotional connections. Often, the best part is the cuddling and pillow-talk while we're still coupled after the orgasms are over. Even on a physiological level, sex with a partner who isn't responding and enjoying it, isn't much more than masturbating into a vagina. It's certainly NOT the kind of sex I expect from my wife and life-partner.
At the very least, spend some time - any where from several days, to a few months - learning about each others' bodies and how to pleasure each other without penetrative sex, with necking, petting, oral sex, etc. Make sure he understands and agrees to this. You could start now, or wait until after the wedding.
Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (In fact, her first time and my first time were the same time. It was rather painful for her.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.
The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented here on this Forum - the question probably gets asked a couple times every month. There used to be an article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) that was excellent! I'd call it a must-read for you and your B/F except that it has vanished from [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ]
For the record, my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 35 years later.
Other threads I contributed to include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 July 2010):
 Anon female, I think getting married pretty much means it is now or never. Why else get married, if you are not ready to take the relationship to the next level! What is marriage about really, if it os not about being everything you can be for each other and giving each other completely?
If she is not ready for sex she is not ready for marriage either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): In the book "chesil beach" by Ean McEwan there is the same scenario. A man and a woman on their wedding night--both virgins. The man is fooled into thinking he's going to get sex that night at the hotel. She even makes him think this. But she thinks sex is disgusting and doesn't like it at all.It ends badly. You can see both people's views.I suggest you read it.I'm not saying you're wrong at all for being afraid of sex or disliking it. That's your own choice. Some people just don't like it. That's fine, sweetie. But you have to let your fiance know that. You really do. I'm sorry.If you hate sex, don't torture yourself. Please don't just to please him.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 You are getting married and haven't fooled around yet?
Why exactly are you getting married?
Where do you draw the line? Is kissing disgusting? Holding hands?
touching?
Sounds like either you are not in love, have had some bad experience or are just not ready for sex. It happens.
But the question remains, why get married?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): How does your soon to be husband feel about this? Just because you are married does not mean you have to do it now. Is he pressuring you for sex? Does he think you will soon as you get married? Are you intimate with him at all in any way?Dont worry about anal/butt sex for now. Take that away. i assume you are in love with this man so think of it more in a way that you'll be closer to him than you ever have been. You will be 'connected' so to speak. If you are really disgusted by sex, have you thought about counseling? Sex is a natural thing.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 June 2010):
Foreplay is a part of sex. Any intimate action between people can be judged as sex, even kissing. So "the best sex" is not one particular action. It is often the sum of many actions, such as being with someone you love, kissing, looking into their eyes.. What makes sex great is about as many non-sexual things as sexual things.
What I do worry about is, is your fiancee aware that you do not like sex? Because sex is important in a relationship. Have you decided that you didn't want sex until you were married, just so you would have an excuse not to have sex? Because now there are no more excuses and you have to deal with your fear.
This should be dealt with long before an engagement even. Are you planning on never or hardly ever having sex with your husband? Does he know? Or is he getting fooled into thinking that once you get married there will be lots of sex? He might be having some ideas about what sex-life would be like once you get married. You and him have to be sure you are on the same page when it comes to that you or you will both end up being miserable.
So talk to him about your fears!
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