A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm ruining my relationship with my boyfriend because I have no friends!I've been with my partner for just under two years now, He is the man i've always dreamed of, so caring and funny, for me he is perfect and I feel like he luckiest girl in the world...I wish that was all to say, but I feel as though I am slowly but surely screwing up the best thing that's happened to me! You see, i don't have any friends, since school we drifted apart and anywhere I've ever worked there has been no one that i have connected with. My partner is extremely social however, he has a great group of friends, and wants to see them a lot, understandably!but because of my depressive state, for the past few months i have been extremely 'clingy' where i'll tell him that i miss him constantly, i'll get upset if he decides he wants to sleep at his house instead of mine etc. ... which along with my jealous tendencies(as he is such a charming guy, almost every girl he knows flirts with him, and i'll be like "whose she? great she's better looking than me") have just caused a vicious circle, where I'll start getting paranoid that he'll leave me for another girl because i'm so depressing to be around, causing him to get worked up that i think he would see another girl in that light and also feel guilty for simple things such as wanting to stay round his house.i'm just so scared because i spoke to him the other night, and he said that i make him feel like a bad person and that he doesn't know if we're meant for each other anymore but he still wants to be with me because he loves me.... It just hurts so much that i know i've hurt him so badly, and for him to say he's not sure we're meant for each other is huge for us, because it's something that we've always both believed and sworn by. even now after, i can feel how depressed i am, but i cant bring myself to show him because i'm too scared he'll leave.he is my whole world and i just want him to be so happy, and for us to be perfect again.please help me..please comment back, any words/suggestions are welcome.grace
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): From reading your question, i feel strongly that you already know what the solution is.
You've become clingy and insecure because you are lacking a life of your own. It's crucial not to underestimate the importance of having friends, our own lives, hobbies, interests - these things give us a sense of self, an identity, and without that, obviously we start to become needy, suspicious, all of those things associated with feeling bad about ourselves which can, if not dealt with, wreck our relationships.
The answer, I think, doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your boyfriend. That's a seperate thing, and if you deal with your own problems, it will improve all by itself.
You need to put some work into finding out who YOU are and being more involved in that. A couple of things to try:
- is there something you've always wanted to try? Rock-climbing? Learning to speak French? Bellydancing? Pottery? Have a think and see what you come up with. If you can join a class or club, so much the better as you may make some friends.
- is there something you used to enjoy but no longer do? Maybe you played the flute at school? Why not dig it out and get back into it? Did you used to cycle? Read more? Listen to a certain band? Get back in touch with that and rediscover your sense of self.
- Can you get back in touch with your old friends? You may not be able to see them as much as you used to, but i bet they'd appreciate an email or a phone call. Even if you only chat to someone now and then, it's still nice to have a friendship.
- Although they shouldn't be your only company, making friends with your boyfriends friends is good. Make an effort to chat with them and tell them about yourself, so they see you as a person, not just so-and-so's girlfriend. Also, if your bf has male friends, do they have girlfriends? Why not ask them out for a coffee or to go get your nails done together whilst the boys watch the football or whatever? I'm sure they'll appreciate it!
- Learn to spend quality time alone. Enjoying your own company is an important life lesson. Not needing other people to validate you. Enjoy relaxing by yourself with a good book or a DVD. Take yourself out for lunch when your boyfriend's not around and enjoy something you know he'd never eat. Indulge in a gorgeous relaxing bath.
- chat to people. Even if it's only the cashier in a shop, or someone sitting nest to you on the train - make a comment about the weather - just a little bit of human contact can sometimes make us feel so much better.
I hope this helps. This is all about being happy with yourself and comfortable with your own identity. Everything else will follow.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): Now he and you know how you fell all you need to do is change. Let him go out with friends and trust him when girls talk to him, put in effort and smile just make a few new friendly faces, don't worry about finding friendship but maybe just some people you can have a good laugh with
Why not reconnect with your old school mates?
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