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male
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*amwest
writes: Hi, I have been seeing my gf for over 6 months now. We love each other to bits and are really happy together. However in my first year of Collage (months before I met my current gf) a girl stayed over in my room. We didnt really do anything, maybe kissed and thats all. However I thought I would try and impress people by telling them that I slept with her. I know this is a horrible thing to do and I regret doing it so much. My gf asked me about this girl and I told her the truth, that I didnt sleep with her. However im scared that one of the few people i told that i slept with the origional girl will tell her as we are all in the same friendship groups.This makes me feel sick because she has already told me that if she finds out that anything else happened between me and that girl she would finish me. Im so scared that it will just slip out of somones mouth when they are drunk. I dont know weather i should tell her what i told people or just leave it. Im worried that if i tell her that i told people that i slept with the girl then it would seem like im trying to cover my tracks incase she ever found out.Also when we first started dating i told her that i had slept with more girls than i actually had done to try and impress her. I know this is totally stupid and i have told her the truth now. But i think that maby she still thinks that i might not be telling the whole truth about this girl because of what ive said in the past.The worst thing about all this is that when I told people about sleeping with this girl i didnt even know my current gf at all. I wish i had never done it and if i knew at the time the effect that it would have on my life atm i would have never have done it. Also the girl in question didnt seem to be deny it for some reason, maby for the same selfish reasons as me?I am stuck. I have no idea what to do. Part of me just wants to confess it all to her but it looks soooo bad and like im just trying to cover my back. Also I think that a relationship should always have forward motion and that if i tell her what i said to these people then it will bring up all the old hurt. I just want to forget it ever happend and move on with our lives.She says that if she finds out that i did anything more with that girl then she would finish me. I dont know if this is actually what would happen but it scares me so much that i might loose her over some stupid insignificant things that happend months before i even met her.Should i tell her what i have said to these people or just leave it and hope that it never comes up. Should i also tell the people i told the truth about what actually happend between me and the girl?I would really apprichate your thoughts on this. Thanks
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 Everyone here is telling you the same thing: tell her everything. Tell her now.
You know it's the right thing to do. Yet you're making constant excuses.
Stop making excuses and do it.
Understand something. All the 'reasons' you are coming up with are bullshit. The human mind loves to rationalize and come up with endless reasons 'for' and 'against' everything. And we labour under the illusion that that actually makes a difference, but it doesn't.
We think that we are somehow comparing the reasons for and the reasons against, weighing them up, and then deciding. But that's not how our brains work.
What really happens is that we decide in a split second, right at the start, what we really want to do. Then we come up with 'reasons' to support that decision ("she might leave me", "It wasn't really a lie" etc). These 'reasons' you are coming up with are after the fact. They are reasons you are coming up with after you have made the decision.
You've actually already made the decision not to tell her, and you're just rummaging around for reasons why. Nothing anyone tells you here is going to change your mind, because your mind is not actually open to change. You're here looking for reasons to support your decision, not to have your decision challenged or changed.
Once you realize this, it can be very simple to make a decision. Changing your mind is much easier once you understand how it works, and how it likes to trick you.
All you need to do is decide to tell her. Don't worry about all the nonsense to do with 'reasons' or 'consequences'. That's just a game your mind is playing with you to stop you acting. It's a way for your fear to take over. Just decide to tell her. You know deep down it's the right thing to do. You know deep down that total honesty is the only way to have a 'real' relationship. Honesty, trust, respect, the cornerstones.
So put away the excuses. They are just a smokescreen. They are distracting you from reality. Make the decision in a split second, then act.
The reality is you need to tell her. Realize this right now, and then go and tell her. If you tell her exactly what happened, then bare your soul and tell her EXACTLY WHY YOU DID IT, and HOW YOU FELT WHEN YOU DID, she'll not only understand you, but also become closer to you for your intimacy and honesty. Tell her you did it to sound cool. Tell her you were just trying to impress people. And tell her how ashamed of it you have felt. And tell her how scared you have been of telling her. Tell her all of that and you'll be more than fine.
A
male
reader, samwest +, writes (9 August 2006):
samwest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you speak sense mate. But ive said some stupid stuff to her in the past and had to go back and tell her the truth. Im just so worried that she will just think im going to keep on coming back to her with more stuff that i havent been honest with her about. Also it looks bad because sometimes she checks with me about this girl, she might say 'you promise you didnt sleep with her' stuff like that. How BAD does it look if im going back to her and saying, yeh i didnt sleep with her but.....i told some people i did. It could just look like im trying to cover my self incase it comes out in the future. If i could have a guareentee that she wouldnt split up with me or miss trust me or use this as an excuse to finish me later down the line then i would tell her STRAIGHT away. Im just scared that she will finish me.
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A
male
reader, samwest +, writes (9 August 2006):
samwest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you speak sense mate. But ive said some stupid stuff to her in the past and had to go back and tell her the truth. Im just so worried that she will just think im going to keep on coming back to her with more stuff that i havent been honest with her about. Also it looks bad because sometimes she checks with me about this girl, she might say 'you promise you didnt sleep with her' stuff like that. How BAD does it look if im going back to her and saying, yeh i didnt sleep with her but.....i told some people i did. It could just look like im trying to cover my self incase it comes out in the future. If i could have a guareentee that she wouldnt split up with me or miss trust me or use this as an excuse to finish me later down the line then i would tell her STRAIGHT away. Im just scared that she will finish me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): Sam
Picture this: You don't tell her, and then, one day, someone spurts out that you slept with this girl. Months, even years, could have passed and she will be utterly devastated, she'll believe you lied to her, and, if you were to try and explain the real story it would sound like a complete lie. If you do go down that road, there is very little chance she will ever forgive you again - she'll probably walk away really hating you for having seemingly lied to her for so long. Could you imagine trying to explain why you didn't tell her the truth when you had the chance? There is no way she'd believe you if she found out from someone else.
Mate - things would be A LOT worse for you if it were the other way around - that the truth was you HAD slept with her but were trying to cover it up.
If this girl has any capacity of understanding she will see that you lied to your friends -IN THE PAST- because you were being a typical insecure boy who wanted people to think he has slept with more people than he had! I'm sure your girlfriend will see that, she will feel much better knowing that you could be truthful with her. That is how trust is re-established.
You would be a complete and utter idiot (sorry!) to try and brush this under the carpet. All you need to do is explain you lied to your mates, and tell her the reasons. What you have done is VERY common for guys to do. Especially if they had never been in a "proper" relationship before.
On a last note - if you do indeed, love this girl, you would not be even contemplating of keeping this from her! I bet though this dylemma is killing you inside, isn't it?
Go on Sam, tell her, and.. the.. truth.. shall.. set.. you.. freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (or at least you will be able to sleep well from now on)
(Update appreciated)
Peter
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A
male
reader, samwest +, writes (9 August 2006):
samwest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy only worry is that if i tell her, essepcially considering whats happend in the past, she wont be able to trust me again. What i did in the past isnt a true reflection on me as a person. I was stupid and childish and would never do it again. However if i dont tell her and it never comes up again i could look back in a few years and think how glad i was that i didnt bring it up and it wouldnt be importnat as it is so far in the past. I just feel that the longer we are together and are happy then the better is it for us. It cant be healthy for our relationship for me to keep on going back to her with bad things that ive done, that doesnt help anybody. Again, i didnt lie to her, when i said the stuff i didnt even know she existed. Surely this is just isnt important and as no bearing on our relationship. If i do tell her and it ends us i would be kicking my self for ever for telling her. I just dont feel that its a big enough issue to risk our whole relationship. I didnt lie to her and i didnt cheat on her. It was somthing i said to somone nearly a year ago now. Is it really worth the risk??
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): Tell the whole truth before she finds out for herself.
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male
reader, samwest +, writes (9 August 2006):
samwest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know and i feel really bad but i havent lied to her. I have lied to other people about sleeping with that girl. I just feel as if its such a little thing that isnt actually to do with our relationship. Im worried that things will be worse off if i tell her. I love her so much but i cant face the thought of loosing her over this. I just want to forget about it all. I made a stupid childish mistake months before i met her and it would be awful if that finished us. I really want to be honest and open with her and we are but i just dont know if i should be about this particular thing. I dont know what to do.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (9 August 2006):
Tell her everything. This will hang over you like a black cloud until you do
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): You should have given her the WHOLE truth. That is what she wanted and expected of you and to be honest, when considering being intimate with someone; they deserve your sexual history.
It does in fact come across as you covering your back. Still she wants the truth.
Tell her the truth. Apologise profusely. Be prepared for her hurt...her feelings of betrayal...her anger.
You have mislead her into believing you are the man you presented; someone who hasn't really slept with many women and who can respect and love a woman the way she needs.
It is going to get tough and your relationship will be shaken up.
Learn from this and tell the truth at all times. Let others tell you to continue to lie and hide but this behaviour soons becomes a habit to soon becomes who you really are; a liar and untrustworthy individual.
Best of wishes Mate.
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female
reader, Thachorie +, writes (9 August 2006):
 I think you should tell her everything without her interupting tell her that you need to get everything of your chest then just begin as you at an early stage in your relationship then you should be okay and she will reward the honesty.
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male
reader, samwest +, writes (9 August 2006):
samwest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, Thanks for your response.
I know honesty is always the best policy but i dont feel its as straight forward as that. I really want to tell her but i just want to forget about it aswel. Also if i do tell her they she could think that i did sleep with that girl and im just trying to cover my tracks which could just make things worse. I really dont know what to do. Im scared that if i tell her then she will leave me. Also isnt it surely better to leave it then if it ever does come up at some point in the future then it wont be as big a deal?
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male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 I think you should sit her down and confess all.
You are at an early stage in your relationship, so any possible obstacles are best to be cleared now.
Honesty is the key to any relationship, a relationship with secrets is destined to fail.
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