A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is gonna be long. I have a lot of concepts to convey. First off, I have a severe anxiety disorder, stemming from events (not sexual) in my childhood. This leaves me extremely fearful, often to the point of panic attacks, when dealing with other people. Over the years, I have worked out a way to live in this world; basically barricading myself in my apartment as often as possible, only going out at night to get groceries and do other things I need to do (when there's less people around, and less chance of having to interact with them), as rarely as I can manage. I do have a few friends, people I have met online, mostly (although I have met a couple people in the regular world, despite my efforts, who didn't turn out to be scary). I've been being treated for this for quite a few years, now, and the condition is relatively stable (meaning, I'm not dangerous to anyone right now), but things haven't improved in quite some time, and I don't really expect anything there will improve any more. I've pretty much made my peace with this, with one exception.Even with the fact that I cannot be comfortable with other people, I am still a human male, and my body has been telling me for quite some time now that it would very much like to have sex. This issue has many facets for me. The first thought is that I should go meet some nice girl, chat her up a bit, and go from there. Unfortunately, that would be a very facile answer that would completely ignore everything I said in the first paragraph. Even more fundamentally than that, I simply can't imagine being able to trust someone sufficiently to let them share my life. Even thinking about it to type this sentence is making my heart race. I don't see how a relationship could even be possible, where one party can't talk to the other and doesn't trust. So, as far as I can see, this pretty much eliminates the possibility of a relationship (barring meeting that one special person who would be willing to put through the huge amount of effort it would take to get through my defenses and my fear...a person who is probably out there, but who I am extremely unlikely to find, given my abilities).Another option would be to ignore what my body is saying. This is very difficult for a number of reasons. For one thing, the biological urge is very strong, as you probably know. There's a self-esteem aspect to it, as well...I'm a computer technician by trade; I make arrangements online to repair people's computers in my home. You may not be aware of this, but there is a very powerful stereotype about computer nerds being virgins. I am also a huge fan of Star Trek (for which there is a similar powerful stereotype). Now, you may be thinking "What do you care what other people think? You don't even talk to other people!", and you'd be right, but the fact is, when you hear something like that, disparaging and demeaning you, over and over again, for a long, long time, it grinds you down, whether you intend to listen to it or not. To me, in the aggregate, this is very hurtful.The option remaining (that I can see) is to find some way of having sex outside of a relationship. The obvious answer here is seeing a prostitute. This is actually something I have tried, quite a while ago. I paid for an hour (the most I could afford), steeled myself, and forced myself to go and see her. She was very attractive, but the fear won out, and I couldn't get over that sufficiently to actually do anything during the hour. I didn't panic attack, fortunately, but several times I felt like I might have. After this, I was very disappointed and depressed at my failure, and it took me a very long time to get over that. Long enough that I don't see hiring a prostitute to be an option (unless I somehow had enough money to hire one for a very long time, like overnight, which isn't going to happen unless I win the lottery). This would leave a one-night stand...also very hard to initiate in my situation.I'm really hoping there's another option I have completely overlooked, is there, or do I just stay unhappy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, Madam Taylor, but I feel that abandoning my medication and the progress that I have made in my life thus far with it is too high a price to pay, for anything. I realize that you feel that psychiatry is not helpful, but I strongly feel that it has helped me. Unfortunately, it didn't help me with this. I'm also not of the opinion that people can just suddenly 'stop' thinking or feeling things like this, simply because they want to...and, to be honest, that comes across as another facile answer. Perhaps it is that easy for you, but it isn't for everyone. If it was, I'd have done it ten years ago.Ok. I have one person suggesting I get professional help I already have, and another suggesting I ditch the help I have and think positively. Do all of my options here involve drastic changes to my medical care (which, other than this one aspect, I am very satisfied with)?
A
female
reader, Madam Taylor  +, writes (18 June 2008):
Are you telling me you are just going to lie down and accept this. More people suffer from anxiety problemes then you can imagine. It is an awful feeling. Only you can change this. Look in the mirror tell yourself to come right, leave your past behind and every time you see someone and feel scared just remember they feel exactly the same way or better yet they couldn't care less. It is your attitude, it is weak, take control that brain and body belongs to you and it needs positive commands decide how you would like to feel and do everything in your power to feel that way. Also take note that when you are having an anxiety attack what is it that is making you so scared. I can tell immediately that you have a low self esteem. Start doing things that make you feel more worthy as a person and this will start to make you feel good. Life is all about chances and 9 times out of 10 we don't get what we want but the rest of us deal with that and concentrate on that 1%. Start taking chances. Sart living and stop been scared of life, you will regret it when you old. A tip to calm down when having an anxiety attack, wash your face and neck with cold water concentrate on your breathing, slow it down, if this doesn't work then hold your breath for as long as possible this shocks your body into thinking something serious is happening to you and kinda kicks out the fake reaction (anxiety attack) Calm yourself down soon though cause anxiety attacks weaken your heart over time, imagine a few times a day you send your body into believing that you are dying it really starts to go through this process. Look on the internet under anxiety and look up alternative methods to dealing with it others out there with the same probleme will give you a strange sense of security and offer you better advice then any professional who is probably making mega dollars off your weekness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is to happytochat. I actually have several professionals that I see very frequently. Their help is the main reason I have gotten as far as I have, but they haven't been able to help me with this. Thanks for your suggestion, but I already have that, and it hasn't helped in this area. Perhaps it will, at some nebulous point in the future that I can't currently foresee, but that seems unlikely, from where I sit, given my experiences with therapy and such over the last several years.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (18 June 2008):
There is one option you havent mentioned. Rather then avoiding your anxiety disorder why not try and deal with it? It sounds like you might be on medication or something already, but have you tried talking to a professional???? In my opinion, overcoming disorders and illnesses such as a depression, you cant just take the drug, you need to talk about it as well. Have you not tried this? If not then I suggest you try this. You deserve to have the chance to have fulfiling real relationship with friends and perhaps a gf. So give yourself that shot. Of course its scary and for you even more so then someone who doesnt have an anxiety disorder but people do overcome these, with the help of a professional. Hope this has helped :)
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